For [body] shame
[Just a headโs up that if reading about body image is an uncomfortable or triggering topic for you, this might be a post to skip. What we read can affect us in a positive or negative way, so please use your best judgment and choose literature that nourishes your body and mind. If youโre in recovery from an eating disorder, my healing wishes and heart are with you.)
There are some things Iโm careful not to do in front of Liv:
-say the โFโ word.. even though it still slips out sometimes (especially while driving)
-eat handfuls of chocolate or face-burning spicy foods, just because she always wants a bite
-body shame.
Even though there are some parts of my body I donโt exactly love, I donโt want Oliv to know the difference. Of course, Iโm proud of my body, and am thankful it helped me carry a beautiful, healthy baby. At the same time, I think as a woman there are always little things we would love to change if we could. If youโve been reading the blog for a while, youโre probably aware of the fact that I donโt love my nose. I call it my โhonkerโ and hinted at Tom to let me get rhinoplasty for years. After being repeatedly shot down because my nose makes me me, Iโve given it a rest. And now, the thought of someone taking a hammer to my face scares the bejeezus out of me.
Since having Liv, I notice the stretch marks on my belly. The other night, I told Tom that Iโm like a tiger who earned her stripes ๐ Would I do it again? In a heartbeat, and I pray Iโm able to, but I canโt say I love the stretch marks, even though I love the reason why I have them.
Despite the little things I would physically change, over time Iโve become more accepting and loving of my body. I think part of this comes from being older and more confident with time (I used to be really, really insecure. Having a verbally abusive person in your life will do that to you), and the other part is from having another human to take care of and realizing where true priorities lie. The funny thing is that back in the day, when I was my own harshest critic, I looked pretty much the same as I do now (save for a few new undereye bags). Iโll look back at pictures from a time when I was working to change so many things and think, โWow. You wasted a lot of brain space worrying about nothing.โ
Even so, just last week I realized that I was doing something I hadnโt done in quite a while: body shaming.
I was talking to some friends (this was relevant to the topic somehow?), and told them that when I sat down on the couch the previous night, my thighs got stuck together and make a horrific noise. Looking back, itโs kind of funny, but also, โWTF?โ
As a girl whoโs always been the one to tell friends theyโre perfect and gorgeous as they picked themselves apart, here I was participating.
As women, I think body shaming can be a bonding thing (which is also very WTF). It can also be another way for women to compare themselves against each other. Women looooove comparing themselves to other womenโฆ and itโs stupid. Sure, comparison can be motivation and encourage you to make positive changes, but it can also be demeaning. Itโs important to remember that everyoneโs situation is unique. You never know what battles someone else is facing.
After my noisy thigh exclamation, I made a promise to myself that I would not get back into the body shaming trap. Iโm endeavoring to lead by example for Liv: how to be compassionate, loving, truthful and have a positive self worth. Having confidence while still being humble is criticalโฆ especially when it comes to school, friends, and making smart decisions. If you have no confidence, you will be easily peer-pressured into things you donโt want to do or make poor choices for the sake of othersโ approval.
I know that inevitably, sheโll be a teenager. Sheโll start to think of things that she doesnโt like about her body, and these things could be largely influenced by her friends and the media. For Tom and myself, itโs an important goal to teach her of all of the things her body can DO without emphasizing how it looks. (Even though, yes, I do and will continue to tell her how beautiful she is.)
I donโt remember everything about my childhood, even though I have vidid memories that stand out. While the details are kind of fuzzy as far as what we did each day, I clearly remember how I felt growing up: loved. My mom and family always made me feel loved and that I was safe. My mom was beautiful to me, because she took care of me, taught me, and did fun things with meโฆ not only because of how she looked (even though she was, and is, absolute stunning). I can only hope that Liv will feel the same way <3
This is a huge topic, but I would love to hear any of your musings or experiences with body shaming (how you stopped, or how youโre going to stop), teaching confidence to young girls, or even your favorite memory with your mom.
xoxo
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You have a cute noise! We truly are our own worst critic and I think itโs crucial to be aware of it and use it to focus on positive growth (not body bashing).
What a beautiful and insightful post. I believe that body shaming is just a way for us to keep ourselves small. We focus upon our bodies, which are going to change, get old and eventually fall away anyway, instead of focusing on how we can full and nurture ourselves and others to make this world a better place. You do not have to be small, or have a perfect body to be amazing. Look at Oprah, she is one of the most influential women in the world, and she has been over weight for almost her entire professional career. It does not matter. Value comes from what you believe in your heart. I believe when we start to give ourselves permission not to be small, to stand in our power, we will never again feel the need to shame our bodies. When we open our hearts to fully loving and accepting ourselves, our bodies included, we can do so in a much more powerful way towards others. When you know that you are beautiful, always, you will see how beautiful everyone else is always, and you will have changed the world for the better in just that simple act.
This is a great post. My mom was the same โ made me feel beautiful and loved and didnโt teach me any sort of body shaming. The hard thing is that young girls, even if they donโt get it at home, the media and other people can still lead to insecurities and I still struggled with body image in my teens (as many do). But you are right that the most we can do is be positive influences and hope that they figure it out as they get older and learn from your confidence. Iโm sure Liv will be a beautiful and strong girl and eventually woman like her mama ๐
I body shame on a very regular basis and itโs hard for me to believe my friends and family when they tell me that Iโm beautiful and perfect the way I am. In fact, Iโd rather not hear them say that because Iโd rather not talk about my appearance. Iโd rather not bring attention to my body. As I look in the mirror while Iโm brushing my teeth I notice if my face is looking pudgy. When I change in the morning and at night my eyes immediately shift to my belly. My belly that I hate that I donโt believe will ever be what I want it to be. Iโm not 5 foot 7 120lbs and just think that Iโm fat. Iโm 5 foot 3 and probably around 145-150lbs. Iโm actually the fittest Iโve ever been, as some of these pounds are definitely muscle. However, none of that matters. I really try to accept that this is my body but sometimes that feels like Iโm giving up on trying to get fit and slim. I am absolutely the first person to tell a girlfriend to be happy with the body she has, and I mean it when I tell her that. Itโs frustrating that I canโt believe the same thing about myself.
Phew! Getting that house was a huge relief! Sometimes I feel like I bogart my loving fiancรฉ with these concerns, and while I know heโll listen, itโs easier to keep it in. Bless this blog for giving us all an outlet.
I had body dysmorphic disorder throughout High School and was diagnosed and received therapy in college. It was very hard to cope with being, what I thought, was fat. In reality I was a perfectly healthy teenage girl. My mom also made comments about what I ate and how I looked that werenโt always encouraging or positive, which really affected our relationship.
Looking back on old photos I WISH I still had that body that I so despised. Now I really am overweight and struggling with feeling attractive. I didnโt print off my wedding photos until a year after we had gotten married because I hated the way I looked.
My husband has been so loving and supportive with my efforts to lose weight and become healthier. Thankfully, he has also been building my self esteem by telling me he loves me no matter how I look. Being healthy for us to start a family is my goal and even with the stretch marks and the extra weight, knowing my husband thinks Iโm beautiful has made me start to feel beautiful.
As a Mom to a 19 year old, I am proud to say that being in this business (group x instructor/trainer, etc. since before I had my children) I made sure to NEVER say anything negative about my body. I was raising a daughter after all! I always made it about health and while I did get my nose fixed (so happy I did b/c I did it for me!) she has never had food issues and practices amazing portion control and balanced eating. I also never swear and it is forbidden in our home b/c I think it just pulls negativity into the air!
I also consider my nose a โhonkerโ ๐ But your nose has never stood out to me in any picture and Iโve been following this blog for years! So maybe people think the same about me ๐
We are our own worst critics. I stopped the body shaming when I accomplished some major health and fitness goals and realized I was doing the best I could with what I have. I canโt change the shape or size of my bones and features but I am at my fittest and healthiest ever. I refused to compare my body image to others because I will never be anyone but me. I might as well make the darn best of it ๐