For [body] shame
[Just a head’s up that if reading about body image is an uncomfortable or triggering topic for you, this might be a post to skip. What we read can affect us in a positive or negative way, so please use your best judgment and choose literature that nourishes your body and mind. If you’re in recovery from an eating disorder, my healing wishes and heart are with you.)
There are some things I’m careful not to do in front of Liv:
-say the “F” word.. even though it still slips out sometimes (especially while driving)
-eat handfuls of chocolate or face-burning spicy foods, just because she always wants a bite
-body shame.
Even though there are some parts of my body I don’t exactly love, I don’t want Oliv to know the difference. Of course, I’m proud of my body, and am thankful it helped me carry a beautiful, healthy baby. At the same time, I think as a woman there are always little things we would love to change if we could. If you’ve been reading the blog for a while, you’re probably aware of the fact that I don’t love my nose. I call it my “honker” and hinted at Tom to let me get rhinoplasty for years. After being repeatedly shot down because my nose makes me me, I’ve given it a rest. And now, the thought of someone taking a hammer to my face scares the bejeezus out of me.
Since having Liv, I notice the stretch marks on my belly. The other night, I told Tom that I’m like a tiger who earned her stripes 😉 Would I do it again? In a heartbeat, and I pray I’m able to, but I can’t say I love the stretch marks, even though I love the reason why I have them.
Despite the little things I would physically change, over time I’ve become more accepting and loving of my body. I think part of this comes from being older and more confident with time (I used to be really, really insecure. Having a verbally abusive person in your life will do that to you), and the other part is from having another human to take care of and realizing where true priorities lie. The funny thing is that back in the day, when I was my own harshest critic, I looked pretty much the same as I do now (save for a few new undereye bags). I’ll look back at pictures from a time when I was working to change so many things and think, “Wow. You wasted a lot of brain space worrying about nothing.”
Even so, just last week I realized that I was doing something I hadn’t done in quite a while: body shaming.
I was talking to some friends (this was relevant to the topic somehow?), and told them that when I sat down on the couch the previous night, my thighs got stuck together and make a horrific noise. Looking back, it’s kind of funny, but also, “WTF?”
As a girl who’s always been the one to tell friends they’re perfect and gorgeous as they picked themselves apart, here I was participating.
As women, I think body shaming can be a bonding thing (which is also very WTF). It can also be another way for women to compare themselves against each other. Women looooove comparing themselves to other women… and it’s stupid. Sure, comparison can be motivation and encourage you to make positive changes, but it can also be demeaning. It’s important to remember that everyone’s situation is unique. You never know what battles someone else is facing.
After my noisy thigh exclamation, I made a promise to myself that I would not get back into the body shaming trap. I’m endeavoring to lead by example for Liv: how to be compassionate, loving, truthful and have a positive self worth. Having confidence while still being humble is critical… especially when it comes to school, friends, and making smart decisions. If you have no confidence, you will be easily peer-pressured into things you don’t want to do or make poor choices for the sake of others’ approval.
I know that inevitably, she’ll be a teenager. She’ll start to think of things that she doesn’t like about her body, and these things could be largely influenced by her friends and the media. For Tom and myself, it’s an important goal to teach her of all of the things her body can DO without emphasizing how it looks. (Even though, yes, I do and will continue to tell her how beautiful she is.)
I don’t remember everything about my childhood, even though I have vidid memories that stand out. While the details are kind of fuzzy as far as what we did each day, I clearly remember how I felt growing up: loved. My mom and family always made me feel loved and that I was safe. My mom was beautiful to me, because she took care of me, taught me, and did fun things with me… not only because of how she looked (even though she was, and is, absolute stunning). I can only hope that Liv will feel the same way <3
This is a huge topic, but I would love to hear any of your musings or experiences with body shaming (how you stopped, or how you’re going to stop), teaching confidence to young girls, or even your favorite memory with your mom.
xoxo
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I truly wish we could see ourselves as others do so we would know to lay the insecurities to rest. You mention your “honker” and honestly I have never even noticed your nose! It just goes to show you that the things you are most insecure about, nobody else even sees. You are a beautiful person on the inside and out and a great inspiration to the mothers of girls. It is my number one goal with my future children to not shame my body as it is something my mother did to herself when I was growing up and it made a great impression on me. Wonderful post.
This is a lovely post, and I think it is an important topic for women, especially for mothers of young girls. I’m not a mother yet, but I’ve thought a lot about how I will try to raise a confident child. My mother sent me a lot of mixed messages about body image, and I was really insecure for a long time, struggling with bulimia for several years. I’ve been recovering for a long time now, and my main focus in terms of health is building a strong body image.
I read something the other day that really resonated with me: in today’s society, a woman’s worth is tied up with the way she looks: the more beautiful she is, the more “worthy” she is, of attention, success, love, friendship, etc. So why don’t we teach our daughters that their worth has absolutely nothing to do with their looks? Sure, beauty is a nice gift, but it should not define us or our value. I do think that the “every woman is beautiful” movement (the Dove ads, operation beautiful, etc) has merit and can really help some struggling women, but it also underscores just how important beauty is in our society, and how much being beautiful is important to society’s definition of a proper woman.
It is a complicated issue! And these are just musings and in no way a criticism of you – i think you have a healthy approach to your and your daughter’s body images (and no one can deny that she is gorgeous).
This post is very relatable for me at this time in my life. I have always had a negative self-image and feel like I have been working to improve that over the last few years. I also have a daughter who is 16 months and I never want her to grow up feeling that way about herself. From experience I know how a mother’s attitude about herself gets passed down to her daughter. It is extremely important to me to not perpetuate that with my daughter. I hope to raise her to be a happy and confident young girl and I understand that a lot of that starts with my own feelings toward myself. Pregnancy definitely did a number, but I continue to be more and more accepting of myself. It’s surprising to me that you feel negativity towards your self-image. You seem so confident, but I guess everyone has their things that bother them even if nobody else sees it. Thanks for this post 🙂
thank you for this wonderful and well-written post. i used to be guilty of participating in body shaming (and i still do sometimes, as well). after dealing with disordered eating, it’s been a struggle to do so, but i am learning to love my body, despite its flaws. i am so happy that you’re in a better place now and that you’ll be a positive and healthy role model for liv as she grows up. <3
This is the second body image (related) post I’ve seen in the blogger community today. And this was a great one! I definitely do the same. I know for a fact I don’t see my body the way others do. I feel heavy one day and someone tells me I look thinner. Well, HELLO! thanks! haha. But I believe in the Bible and one verse says that we are made in His image (Genesis 1:27) and another says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 149:14). It’s a struggle of mine (as it is for MANY women!) but I work every day by trying to think that it is health and the respect of my body that is most important! I think it’s wonderful that you are trying to instill that in your daughter so young. She’s adorable! 🙂
I am not a mother, but I love this post and the message you are sending. I grew up with a mother that never once talked about her weight, dieting or negative body issues with or around me. Granted, my mother is naturally thin; however, I know there were things she didn’t like about her body and were probably times when she was trying to lose a little extra weight. But her refusal, and yes, it was a conscious effort on her part to not discuss these things around me, taught me to not focus on my body and weight. I’m not going to claim that I haven’t participated in body shaming, that I love everything about my body/weight or that I don’t diet from time to time, but I do understand that my whole life shouldn’t revolve around this and that my body/weight doesn’t define me. When and if I ever have a daughter, I will follow my mother’s same philosophy with her.
Just like the above commenter, I had to scroll down & look at your pic ‘cuz I was like, “Since when does Gina have a big nose?” Um, you don’t! It’s crazy how hard we are on ourselves & how we let a careless, hurtful comment from years ago (probably made out of jealousy in the 1st place) haunt us forever. When I had my daughter, I vowed that I would be SO careful to nurture her self-esteem & to lead by example w/ healthy eating & exercise but never obsess over them so that she would develop a healthy body image. In retrospect I still think I did everything right; however, now 13 yrs later she has gotten hurtful comments from “mean girls” at school, & I have her in therapy because she has developed social anxiety & body image issues that make it so that she doesn’t want to go anywhere. She wears jeans & long sweatshirts in the summer to try to cover up her body (she is not overweight at all, but she’s tall for her age & bigger boned that most of the stick-thin girls her age who haven’t developed yet). And don’t even get me started on swimsuits… she flatly refuses to wear one – EVER! 🙁 This is all so frustrating as a parent who tried so hard to do everything right so my daughter wouldn’t suffer the same pitfalls I did. We can do our best; they are still affected by their social environment so much. Now I can just try to be there for her & hopefully provide her w/ the tools to get thru it. It’s such a struggle! Thanks for your post. I hope you don’t go thru this w/ Liv. It really sucks!
I love this post, Gina! I wish all mothers were so conscientious of how their kids are affected by their actions and self image. You’re setting a wonderful example, Liv is a lucky girl! 🙂
This post really resinates with me. I’ve had body image issues for years, mostly due to being overweight as a kid. I also have a daughter who just turned 1 this month. When she was born, none of my body image issues mattered anymore. I never stepped on a scale again (I weighed myself everyday), I stopped staring in the mirror and analyzing EVERYTHING, all because I didn’t care anymore. My sole purpose now was to take care of my beautiful daughter and be the best possible mother I could be, everything else didn’t matter. Also because I never wanted my daughter to inherit these traits. It would break my heart to hear her talk about herself they way I used to, so it had to stop. I love my body, imperfections and all. It gave birth to a healthy baby, it sustained a life, and it still nourishes her 12 months later.
Btw, I like your nose 🙂
What a great post! And I have to agree with Shelley, your nose has never stood out to me in any kind of bad way. Growing up with a single parent dad was actually a very good thing in this regard because he never thought twice about his appearance or teaching us anything other than being confident in who we are. Some of my friends can’t believe I’m fine with going outside without wearing makeup or in sweats if I just need to grab something at the store. There are lots of things I wish I could change about my looks but I’m still me, I might as well live my life.
I couldn’t agree more with the statement, “Love your body for what it can, not how it looks.” I have spent years struggling with my body image and making it weak. Now I spend my time making it stronger and I’ve never been happier! Thank you for this and my “thunder thighs” are my favorite part of my body now…because of what they can do!!
I love that you brought this up Gina!! I experience a lot if self-loathing/ body shaming on a daily basis and am constantly comparing myself to other women–I.e. their flat stomachs, their thigh gaps, etc.. I think a lot of it stems from the fact that as a teenager in high school I was very overweight and was bullied, judged, and left out of many things because of it. For instance, I also danced, and tried out numerous times for the dance team but never made–(even though I was just as good as the other girls)–but I was too chubby or not tall enough or willowy and blonde enough.
When I lost all the weight in college, and got to a healthier weight I felt better in my own skin and people told me I looked good, but the scars from my past were still there. And I carry them around with me. I too hope that when/if I have a daughter I will teach her to love herself and to love her spirit inside and out. That’s the most important. I think also what was good for you is that you found someone who loved you and treated you with kindness and accepted you–the Pilot. I hope to find that too one day. Not that I need a man to feel good about myself–but it does help :).
PS: I love these honest type posts and look forward to reading more. You bring up really good points.
Also–you have a lovely nose. It’s unique and actually very becoming. Just saying.
My mom always told me how nice I looked, how fun it was to shop with me because clothes looked nice on me, etc. I know the conventional wisdom these days is to de-emphasize looks, but since I was 5′ 8″ in the fifth grade, I got a lot of “Oh what a big girl!” comments from relatives and even strangers. “Big” should be a neutral comment to hear, but somehow as a tween it really wasn’t. So I think I really needed the positive affirmation from my mom, especially when shopping for clothes, in the grown up section — I pretty much skipped Juniors! 🙂
I love this topic and think its so interesting to hear how moms want to and do approach it with their children.
Thanks for this post. I’ve always struggled with body image even though I’ve always been thin. I always wanted to be toned and difnt really know how tonaccomplish that, so i thought i just needed to be thinner. I think about the negative things that were said to me by family growing up and I know I don’t want my kids to hear those things. I emphasize talking about being strong and healthy in front of my kids and I love when my son wants to pretend exercise class and asks if we’re getting healthy doing it. 🙂 I know I slip and talk about things I shouldn’t in front of them, like not being happy with how long it’s taking my loose stomach skin to go away after having my second child. Even though I’m talking to my husband, I should save that for when the kids aren’t around. Or better yet, focus on how far I’ve come since giving birth instead.
I’m really quite fit now and my muscles are stronger than ever (thanks in large part to your workouts! Can’t wait to post a before/after when SSU is over!) but it’s hard not to focus on the parts that still need improvement. I feel good, but then I see my stomach squish when I’m laying a certain way and I hate it.
I hope I can raise my daughter to be fit and healthy and have more confidence than I ever have.
Oh, and there isn’t anything wrong with your nose at all! Never even thought anything of it.
I still have a lot of issues with body shaming and negative body image and truly hope that one day they will stop…but unfortunately I’m not optimistic. I remember having poor images of certain parts of my body since I was in middle school and it’s only grown worse. Your story lit a little spark in me and I truly hope that I can overcome it as you have. Thank you for sharing, I know it’s hard.
This is so well-done. You are 100% on the right track with Liv. If she feels loved and important and valued, she is much less likely to focus on her looks and flaws. & nothing is more important than maintaining her innocence when it comes to body worries as long as possible – because you’re right – it is inevitable in our society. you are a great mom and role model.
I love this post! I think more women need to be conscious of how they think about their body is being picked up by their daughters. My boyfriend’s sister has 2 kids, and constantly wants to lose weight. Her 6 year old recently told her she didn’t want to get older because then “she’d be fat like grandma”. It breaks my heart to hear that story!
I certainly don’t know the answer to not making children feel that way. But I do think that growing up with a strong, healthy women such as yourself is going to be a great foundation!
I have three nephews and I have been dealing with an eating disorder for 13 years. My oldest nephew is husky and I literally have to bite my tounge. He LOVES food and I hate it.
Working with children is the one thing that has helped me with body image issues. I’ve always hated my short, stumpy legs and I’m so careful of how I dress my lower half out in public – but we recently did a fitness program for kids at my job and it just made me realize that I don’t want kids to feel that way about their bodies when they’re older. I want the kids I work with and my future children to be proud of their bodies and what they can accomplish. Realizing that I wasn’t setting the best example really helped me change.
Beautiful post. Sometimes even the most secure woman needs a reminder to love herself!
I vividly remember many times the adults in my like would contribute to my body shaming. I stress ate when my parents divorced, and then was shipped off to live with my aunt while my parents divorced, and I and remember when I was 11 my aunt took my shopping and let me try on a cute outfit on clearance. It was pretty, but way too small, and I knew it, but my aunt flatly said “I’m getting it for you, but you’ll just have to lose 5 pounds”. She would also yell at me or smack me when I exercised, and also belittle me when I didn’t want to eat more courses (because heaven forbid I sit quietly while she finished her many drinks) or finished the oversized adult portions on my plate. It was a lose-lose. Its taken me more than 20 years to be comfortable in my skin.
Such an important topic for parents with young girls. While I remember the body shaming from friends or certain relatives, I remember even more clearly, my mom being positive about my body and my looks when I felt so negative about them. It made a difference to hear it even when I didn’t believe her.
Now even when I’m having some negative feelings, I remember those things my mom said when I was a child. But as a woman, I try to focus on like you said, what my body can do for me – runs marathons, lifts weights, is yogi flexible, etc. And I try to think about the aspects I do like – toned legs, shoulders, biceps.
Thanks for posting this! Beautifully written. It is always such a good reminder to appreciate your body and to be thankful for what it can do 🙂 Now that I am older I realize how my childhood has affected the way I think of food, but your blog has really helped open my eyes to think of food as a way of fueling my body (Not what food has the least amount of calories).
Its very inspirational to see how positive and encouraging you are with your daughter 🙂
How I over came body shaming is by seeing myself thru my fathers eyes,(Gods eyes) and what is word says that we are.We are fearfully and wonderfully made!He created us perfect!Also by knowing his love and being blessed enough to be a parent myself.I know how I love my children,,grown children now ,,hahaha and how perfect I see them.They are perfect to me even with their imperfections,,you know what I mean?This is why and how accept myself now.:)
Well said and beautifully written…as always. 🙂 I totally hear you and I try my absolute hardest not to talk badly about my body. To myself or to others. I work hard to be healthy (and in full disclosure…to look the way that I do), but like you, there are a few things I don’t always love or would change if I could. BUT…like you said the little things that we usually beat ourselves up over and those things are just so not important!
You know you always are so strong and confident it wouldn’t even dawn on me you would have body shaming moments…even knowing all or most women have them.
For me 38+ has been hard, and I just turned 40. It is strange. I am really strong and active and I know these are good uses of my healthy body but I can’t help but see some of the aging too. Because I don’t come from a disordered eating/body image history it has surprised me at a much older age to become far more self-critical, much more self-conscious, and generally down over some of my body changes.
You are doing a good job raising a happy little girl. Good for you for even being aware!
As a mother of twin girls i think about this a lot! I try to never talk about things I dislike about my body or diets or good and bad food. I cringe whenever people make comments about one twin weighing more then the other. And worry they will compare and compete with each other. Women are beautiful in many shapes and sizes and we need to celebrate that!
I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of great experiences and memories due to being self conscious. I decided a couple of years ago to get over it. I realized that life was passing by and I was wasting so much time focusing on my body. I got tired of that. I don’t want my body or looks to define me. I’ve FINALLY accepted my body. I know that my thighs will never be extremely thin and my stomach is probably never going to look like it did when I was 18. I’M OK WITH THAT. It’s really not that important in the grand scheme of things. I refuse to miss out on life because of insecurities.
I want my kids to truly know that outer beauty will only get you so far in life but inner beauty will carry you all the way through! Sounds cliché, but it’s so true 🙂
I really appreciate this post Gina! I love how seriously you are taking the importance of teaching your daughter to respect herself and the body she was given. It is sad how often we women do take part in “body shaming” and comparison- I am very much guilty of this. I had a long period of disordered eating and a great deal of issues stemming from childhood abuse and honestly still have pretty terrible body image. I am very blessed to have a fiance who always reminds me how beautiful he thinks I am and honestly exercise has given me some confidence as I focus on what my body CAN do, even if my stomach isn’t perfectly flat and thighs are by no means the skinny bikini legs you see in catalogs. I’m not yet a mom but I do not think it is emphasized enough how important it is to impart not only healthy eating and exercise habits to kiddos but also healthy body images. It was funny to read this today because earlier I stumbled on an article by the young woman who used to play DJ on Full House discussing her struggle with bulimia and talking openly about how the portrayal of tween and teen stars has changed drastically from healthy weight, regular clothes, pimples, etc. to crazy skinny models and ridiculous clothes/scenarios. I wish I could see us going back to the former.
I also loved what you said about confidence while being humble- this is just a great balance!
You’re beautiful- I promise I’ve never noticed anything about your nose being large because it’s really not! The thing I notice most in your close-up face pictures is your megawatt SMILE!
So much truth! I was anorexic in my early 20’s and, 10 years later, I still struggle with body shaming thoughts and comparisons daily. When my daughter was born 3 years ago, I swore I would do everything I could to keep her from going down that path! I worry now that it will be an issue that I often eat different things than they do (I am gluten intolerant and have digestive problems that led me to give up meat as well). But I pray daily for guidance with her and my son (who’s 6). When I do at-home workouts, they work out with me, we talk about how healthy foods can help your body but also how no foods are “bad” and we can have treats too! I always tell them how strong they are, or how fast. But we also talk about how everyone is good at different things: sports, art, reading, etc, and how God made us all different. Most of all, we try not to emphasize outer beauty, but that our hearts and our actions need to be beautiful! It’s a struggle we just have to take one day at a time, right? Such a balancing act!
Somehow, my comment got deleted….
I wanted to say, that I loved this post and that Liv is so lucky to have such a confident and loving Mum like you. My Mom was very young when she had me and she was a loving and caring Mom and I love her. Though she always had body image issues and her emotional outlet was food and food guilt. She NEVER taught me that and she never told me so either. We had a very healthy eating routine at home and were always told that we are great and loved. Though I always FELT these struggles my Mom had. I could feel that she fights with guilt when she eats and that she defines herself through her skinniness. I took it all over and developed it into something even worse, an 18 year long eating disorder. Of course I NEVER blamed her, as she did everything to avoid me getting these struggles too, but she couldn’t, I was too sensitive. Just an example how important this topic is. I am so sure that you and Tom will do a brilliant job as role models for Liv and other kids.
sorry about that. we had to switch to YET another server today, but the good news is that this one works! some comments got lost in the process though, so i apologize <3
thank you for your awesome comment. i'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself- keep up the great work. lots of love to you, friend!
I think it’s easy trap to fall into…when one person says “I hate my arms” you immediately feel like you have to counter with “well, I hate my stomach” or something else. Recently I was with two friends and it was the first time this conversation felt weird to me and I realized I don’t hate anything on my body. It’s taken me a long time to get here and of course I could look more like a supermodel, but I’m me. My tummy is a little soft and I have a large nose–I’m at peace with both.
Great topic to talk about today. I too have had many confidence issues over the years your one sentence really hit home with me, “If you have no confidence, you will be easily peer-pressured into things you don’t want to do or make poor choices for the sake of others’ approval.” I have been working on this recently and I slowly find myself changing in a positive way, it’s great of you to be so open and be able to share this with your readers. Thank you Gina !
Lovely post, and something I think about a lot too having a young daughter. My parents were great at encouraging healthy body image and modelling it themselves although I clearly remember two occasions when mum said something admiring about a celebrity’s body and disparaged her own. It had a small effect on me – probably partly because I’ve got the same body – and it was only twice, in an otherwise very easygoing, happy home where diet was a dirty word and we were always told we were beautiful. Imagine how I’d be affected if I heard her say those things every day, or they’d been said to me. I’d be a mess. I actually wrote my own post about this the other day, funny how the same thoughts occur to so many of us mums!
I love this post Gina. I am not one who would normally comment (simply due to shyness) but I feel this post is so fitting to my shopping experience this evening. I was starring at myself in the mirror at Lululrmon this evening with super cute shorts on that I was so excited to try on. I was happy to be back in my pre pregnancy size however the problem was I didn’t feel super cute in the super cute shorts. The mirrors behind my derrière showed the cellulite that I had earned after my 2 babies. I hummed and hawed over the way I looked for a while and was disappointed. I wasn’t going to get the shorts, let alone wear shorts ever again… But then I thought no, I need some shorts to play in with the kids this summer. I will wear them and wear them proud (well working on it). I have earned my “stripes” too or “dimples” you could say. With 8 weeks of strict bed rest with my first child and also having another child, I was bound to have some kind of markings that will forever be on my body. I wouldn’t change it for the world either. I have 2 healthy children. I also have a daughter (2 1/2 years) and I need to set an example and be her role model as my mother was for me.
hey there
i read the first paragraph /disclaimer and said to myself – yup i am gonna comment on this post already…. thankyou so much for putting that little warning as a prelude. thankyou. i think sometimes when we are passionate and excited about an issue and we talk/speak out we can upset and offend people not because we mean to of course but just because we are excited and passionate… I have unfortunately read far to many blog posts that have upset and hurt me. and of course i know that they were not directed at me specifically but still sentences like ” maybe for my next birth/ labour i shall take the easy way out and get an epidural”… like ouch to someone who was bullied into one. so thanks for that little warning and opportunity to think before i engage.
onto the rest of your article (maybe i was being a little passionate back there? 🙂 opps) I totally agree and it is something that I think about and reflect on. i remember my mum always saying she was fat or that she needed to loose weight etc… to me she was just my mum! so for me i want to break that cycle and not repeat it for my own children… I dont like that i have a Caesarean section scar… but i do love the reason that have it. love your words Gina
xo Meeks
This is so awesome Gina. I think every woman (and probably at least the vast majority of men) experience body shame to some extent – we all have something on our bodies that we wish we could change. But in the end, like you said – it’s a lot of brain space worrying about nothing. The people that love us love us regardless of stretch marks, a less-than-tight-tummy, thighs that touch…and really, if we were able to change what we wanted to change, would that really make us happier or a better person? More loving to our family and friends? Nope – so we should be focusing on more important things.
Another lovely post. It was funny because just a few days earlier I had read this going around FB –
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellbeing/8760102/When-your-mother-says-shes-fat
and so much of it rang true – not only as a reminder for how I would never want my daughter to feel should it happen (I currently have a 15 month old son), but also because my mum was so similar to the mother in the article growing up – she came from the same ’50’s/60’s era where “everyone” was stick thin, models like Twiggy were the “norm” and my mother, a tiny size 6, used to always go on about her weight etc etc…..to my size 10-12 bigger boned (dad’s!) frame I was always made to feel “fat” next to her….not because she ever said anything but she didn’t have to – my innocent reasoning was that if she thought she was fat, what must she be thinking about me??
Anyway – thanks for posting. I’ve read your blog for years and you are definitely one of the most “real” bloggers out there….consistently entertaining and realistic about how to balance the million things we all have to do every day with staying fit and healthy – not for someone else or the media or societal pressure, but for ourselves…..love ya! xxx
I like this post a lot. It’s sad to see/hear/read about women bashing themselves and other women. I even see it online all the time (ahem, GOMI). I used to catch myself doing this to myself and to other women all the time…it’s awful! People are more than what their bodies look like. I wish I had learned this at a younger age…it would have saved me a lot of stress. I’m glad you’re aware of this as you raise your daughter. Hopefully she grows up to be a confident strong woman 🙂
It definitely is important to think of the example we want to set for our daughters. And it isn’t just body shaming, it is treating others the way we want to be treated along with building body and self confidence. Recent example- social media response to Miss Utah. Hard to imagine we all would have a perfect answer for those type of questions. I try to teach about putting yourself in others’ shoes.
I hear ya! As a mom of a now 12 year old daughter who is starting to go through changes, i have to constantly check myself…she makes little comments here and there about her body, which is normal,but you need to balance the line which is hard. I hated my nose forever, when i turned 3 0my husband asked what i wanted and i decided to go ahead and get the surgery, which i have to say really did affect my confidence. I wouldn’t advocate it for everyone, but I’m glad i did it, although i waited until i was older and more mature, and done having kids and it was something that i completely researched and did it just for me ( that and my boobs, which were wrecked from breastfeeding 2 kids for a year each). You are beautiful though girl, so just do what makes you happy and try not to worry about silly things!!! 🙂
This post hits home, in a different way for me.
Growing up my mom used to say things like, “When I was your age I was a lot thinner.” In addition to ‘body shaming’ comments about her own body.
At the time of course I didn’t realize how negative and honestly messed up this is. In my eyes she always looked great, I didn’t see the problem areas she pointed out to me on her own body. It only made me more self-concious about my own body.
In High School I started working out at home, in addition to the various activities I was involved in. I dropped ~15lbs which was enough to startle my PE teacher and ask my mom if I was eating. I was, I had just added in more workouts. Looking back I know I added in extra workouts because I was following my mom’s lead. I was working out to get rid of something she’d commented on. Something that when I look back in photos really didn’t exist.
Fast forward to college and my now husband made me say ‘Thank you’ every time he gave me a compliment instead of brushing it off or turning it into a negative. It became a habit. Moving away from my mom made me realize how her negative comments about her body and mine affected me. I honestly think she picked it up from my grandmother. Which made me vow to never make my daughter feel that way. I don’t want to continue the cycle.
I’m still working on changing my way of thinking. It’s amazing how one person can alter your views/thoughts/life with their comments. First my mom then my husband who is slowly helping me reverse the damage. <3
Oh goodness…this post hits me on so many levels. I’m sooooooooo guilty of body shaming, and have been since I was in my late teens. I always critique myself and calorie count (only to binge after depriving myself treats), and I’m terrified of passing this onto my daughter. This morning she wasn’t hungry for breakfast (she’s almost 11 months), and I was begging and pleading with her to eat her cottage cheese. My husband said to me, “Stop it. You’re going to give her an eating disorder before she’s even 1.” It was the most hurtful thing he could say, because he touched on my biggest fear. I desperately want her to grow up with a healthy and positive attitude about food, and not think about calories and forbidden foods. I’ve already let her have little pieces of cake and bites of ice cream and frozen yogurt, because although we eat clean in our house (well, I do..hubby not so much), I want her to know that moderation is key and that she should enjoy treats when she wants them. I want her to know that she is beautiful internally and externally and teach her that being a good person is more important than obsessing about your body. I also worry tremendously, because I know that no matter what goes on inside the house, the media and her peers can be scary influences. Raising a daughter is SO hard!
Awesome post and I could not agree more. I just finished my first year at the University of Alabama and made so many great new friends. Of course, we’ve all put on a few pounds while adjusting and relishing in this exciting point in our lives. Truthfully, it has been and is still really trying year for me. On spring break I hated hearing everyone shame their beautiful and able bodies. And you’re right–it is a total f’d up way for women to bond. I try my hardest to encourage my friends because they are all beautiful and so am I. I love leaving myself notes of encouragement and always try to encourage the people I’m able to reach out to. I think sharing struggles and triumphs helps others who might have perceived you as someone who “has it together” in a new and encouraging light. No one is perfect but everyone is beautiful.
This was an awesome post! As someone who deals a lot with negative body image and body bashing, it definitely made me rethink those patterns I get into. I’m about to go into college and have been focused on “losing weight” and “toning up” since I entered high school, first focusing on exercising extensively, then eating only yogurt, and now I eat clean and vegan (mainly for the moral reasons though.) What I’ve found, and what I hope to focus on to quiet all the negative chatter in my head, is that no matter how many pounds I lose (first 30, then another 10, and now I’m working on 5 more), I’m never happy with the final product. I just keep setting another goal. While goals can be motivating, at this point they’re unhealthy.
I love my baby like crazy but my new belly stretch marks make me feel sad. Thanks for putting it into perspective for me!
Great post Gina.. I don’t have kids yet but this is something i frequently think about and don’t want my children to deal with. Its a tough issue when its something you struggle with everyday. You are a great role model and its posts like this that make this blog continuously my favorite, thank you!
beautifully said…I’m starting to realize too that I’ve wasted so much time in the past (and occasionally still now) worrying about how I look or thinking constantly about ways to change all of those parts I don’t love. It’s not worth it!
Great post. You are definitely on the right track with Liv. My mom never made a comment about her weight or insecurities and I grew up confident and strong. But life happens, I developed a binge eating disorder, which I’m working on now, but I don’t want to let my mom know. She did an excellent job of raising me and I don’t want to make her feel like she failed somehow, which I’m sure she totally would. So I note this so mothers out there can give themselves a break. Honestly, I could not have had better parents and it’s a shame that food became my obsession and outlet. The important thing is moving toward a better tomorrow everyday. Best of luck everyone, you are all beautiful. AND Gina, you’re nose is amazing, I had to look back at posts to see what you were talking about. I still don’t see it! LOL. 🙂
What a great topic! I was also the same, and in my 20s I had very low self confidence. I’m 30 and 2 years ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer (and is now cancer free… my heart is warm again). That was when I decided I didn’t care what I “looked like” based on the outcome of exercise. I was going to exercise because it made me feel good and was good for my health. That was when I turned to yoga (not only to help me with the stresses that come with dealing with a loved one and cancer, but also because of the health benefits it provided). Because of my daily yoga practice, I now walk with confidence knowing all that my body can do. I embrace everything about my body – especially the areas that are deemed unattractive to society. I learned that life really is long, and our attitude plays an amazingly huge part in how we live this long life. Staying positive, loving ourselves, and showing gratitude for all that we can do today is really just an amazing attitude to have.
My family wasn’t ever really affectionate, although my parents would sometimes tell us that we looked pretty, or handsome. My brother and I always felt loved and safe, but we weren’t overly affectionate with our words. I remember one day, I overcame my affection shyness to tell my mom she looked really pretty. Her eyes teared up and I could tell it really meant something to her. Ever since then, I make it a point to tell her she looks beautiful. 🙂
Thank you for such an amazing topic to discuss. 🙂