Family: Weeks 37-39… and into Week 40
and feeling…
nervous/ready/excited/letโs do this.
Random thoughts/things that Iโve noticed:
-The funk that I was in from weeks 37-38. A lot of things compounded, and I wasnโt feeling like myself at all. After 4 days of constant on and off crying, I gave the midwives a call. I talked to the midwives, Tom, and my mom about it, and when madre called on Tuesday to say that she and nana were driving up here, it was the first time I cried out of happiness over that weird span of time. I instantly started to feel better, and their visit was just what Livi and I needed. Since the funk, I’ve made a conscious effort to get outside every day, go on long walks, and spend lots of fun time with Liv.
I think I felt guilty for feeling sad the last couple of weeks of pregnancy, which in turn, made me feel even worse. Here I am with the most exciting, beautiful thing to look forward to (something I know many women and friends want more than anything and canโt have, and it breaks my heart), and here I was crying my face off. I canโt do a lot of the things that I do to relax when I feel stressed (like a super sweaty workout or glass of wine), and I think the pre-birth hormones dumped in an intense way. When I went through postpartum anxiety/depression/whatever it was (as I was never formally diagnosed), I failed to write about it until I was coming out from the clouds. I feel like this was a disservice to those who were experiencing similar emotions and feeling as alone as I was. In my current situation, Iโm committed to posting any of the not-so-fun things I feel are worth writing about (while still maintaining the fun spirit of my blog), in real time instead of retrospect.
The good news is that I have a great support system ready for when baby gets here so I donโt go down the same road again. Tom will be home for a couple of weeks, then my mom is visiting, then hopefully nana will be coming to hang out with us. In the meantime, I’ve put a lot of effort into ensuring the blog workload won’t be a factor while still publishing fun and useful content. We’re meeting with a maternal therapist this week, who is going to look out for me and make sure that this postpartum experience is different. To all of my fellow mama friends: donโt feel like you need to put on a smile or fight it out if youโre feeling weird/sad/anxious/unlike yourself. Talking to someone can make a huge difference -even if itโs just to vent!!- and they can get you the resources you need to feel better again. <3
Adding this in: we did meet with the maternal therapist, and she was amazing. I talked to her about the 4-day cry festival, and she said it was completely normal. We also talked about my first postpartum experience, and it turns out that I did indeed have many of the symptoms for postpartum depression and anxiety. The good news is that she said itโs completely preventable, and was happy to hear weโve been proactive by making a plan for baby #2. She said it could be a very corrective experience, and that I donโt have to feel that way again. Last time, I was afraid to tell the midwives I was feeling anxious and guilty, and as the therapist said, a lot of women donโt come forward and say they donโt feel ok, because they think itโs NOT ok to not be ok. (Most confusing sentence ever.) Either way, Iโm thankful to have resources, support and solutions at my fingertips for this time, and Iโm going to take it so much easier on myself.
-Crazy pregnancy dreams continue. I had one dream that I needed to go in for an extra ultrasound (to check the status of our omgsobig babyโs growth), and the tech took out some super glue. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was going to glue my eyelids shut for the ultrasound, and that it was policy for them to strap my arms down. I was like, โWhat?! No.โ and I got off the table. She asked where I was going, and I was like, โIโm leaving. You canโt do that to me.โ So weird.
-I need to change out my โleaving the hospital outfit.โ It was originally maternity jeans + a loose top, but since itโs 1000 degrees, sundress FTW.
-Iโve had some INTENSE Charley horses in the middle of the night. One night my calf muscle got stuck, was hard as a rock, and I started yelping to Tom, who was sleeping soundly next to me. He thought my water had broken and it was go time, but it was just my stupid calf. He kindly massaged it for me while I thought to myself, โThis is the worst pain of my life.โ And then I realized Iโll be praying for something that feels like a Charley horse when Iโm in labor.
-Bras are the death of me. I usually have no prob with them (and will sleep in a sports bra every night), and lately, I feel like all of them, even the ones that fit me properly, feel like theyโre suffocating me. I couldnโt help but chuckle to myself when I took my bra off yesterday and let out an exaggerated sigh of satisfaction haha.
Weight gain: 36 lbs
Belly button status: Belly button? You mean this protruding ball thing?
Awkward pregnancy moments:
By the end of the day, my shirt will tell a tale of everything that Iโve eaten. Almond butter splotches, dots of hot sauce, and crumbs are all common.
The walk is a full-out waddle. I think the world knows my discomfort, and itโs kind of fun to tell people โAny day nowโ when they ask when the baby is coming. Whenever we go out, I canโt help but wonder to myself if it will be the spot where I officially go into labor.
Cravings:
PIZZA. My ideal day of meals right now would be oats and egg for breakfast, soup and salad for lunch, and pizza for dinner. Oh, and pie for dessert. ๐
Aversions:
Not really anything, but I donโt crave a lot of foods. For example, nothing really sounds good to me until a plate of food is in front of my face. (Unless itโs dessert or a soft pretzel. Then, all bets are off.)
Workouts:
Are still consistent, but very mellow. Iโve been walking a ton this week with some TRX work thrown in, but thatโs about it. I was going to take a barre class on Sunday, but itโs officially a scene to get from the floor to a standing position again.
Looking forward to:
-Finally meeting this little lady, and seeing Liv meet her sister for the first time. Itโs so soon, I can feel it. <3
xoxo
Gina
You are definitely not alone. Postpartum depression is not talked about but should be. I suffered from postpartum OCD which is a form of postpartum depression and it was awful. But I had a strong support system and they helped me get through it. Just remember that you are an amazing mom and you will get through this.
That’s great you spoke up to get the support you need. This is not an easy time, definitely joyful but the body and hormones are going thru so much! It’s extraordinary what the female body is capable of doing, very excited for you and praying your little girl arrives very soon. xoxo