The center or an addition?
One of the books I’ve been reading about taking care of the baby after she arrives is Baby Wise. Baby Wise has mixed reviews, mostly because it focuses on more of a parent-directed feeding approach and schedule instead of child-directed approach to develop a routine. If you allow the child to settle into a routine, she will sleep through the night more quickly and learn important skills on soothing herself back to sleep, according to the book.
Of course, there are a quite a few things in the book that I don’t necessarily agree with (if my child is hungry, I’m going to feed her, no matter what the schedule or routine is supposed to be), but one of the things I really liked that it said was:
[my almondshell version]
A child is supposed to be an addition to the family. In many families, a child comes into the picture and becomes to center of the family. The parents lose their sense of individuality and stop showing each other as much affection, hanging out with their friends and this actually has a damaging affect on the child. The child wants to see parents who love each other, because deep down the child knows that if anything were to happen to their parents’ relationship, their entire family would suffer. A child wants to be brought into a family as a team, learn the way the team operates and eventually become a part of that team. They don’t want to be brought in as the new nucleus of the family cell.
The book stresses maintaining date night, alone time, and the spouse being #1, while the child is #2, and the child is ok with that.
This really struck a chord with me because I’ve trained clients and known friends who ended up in situations where their children came first, their husbands came second and their relationships crumbled.
I don’t think the book is saying that you should “love” your spouse more than your child, but rather taking the same care to show affection and plan things alone as you did before, which is something we’re committed to do.
We kind of like each other, anyway 😉
and I’m sure date nights will be a great way to maintain both of our sanity as we try to raise a little one.
We’re still going to hang out with friends, plan dinner parties and do all of the things we used to do, we’ll just have a little friend with us 🙂 I’m going to baby wear, and take her along with us whenever we can. I don’t like to stay in the house for too long, anyway, or I get stir crazy 😉
We also talked about how we’re going to share the responsibilities with the new baby, and for now it’s something like this:
-If the Pilot has to fly the next day, I’ll sleep in the nursery with the baby and do all of the wake-up calls [he has to have quality, uninterrupted sleep to fly safely]
-He’ll help me out on the nights when he won’t be flying the next day
-He’ll watch the baby either in the morning or after work so I can have an hour or so to go to the gym
-I’ll run the daytime activities while he’s at work, and he’ll let me sleep in on the weekends 🙂
Did you maintain or plan to keep a schedule with a new baby? How do you still celebrate your partner and keep your independence with a little one?
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I love this plan and I’ll put this book on my list of books to read when the time comes!
I agree with that quote 100%! And adjusting your child to YOUR schedule is super nice! It gives you the flexibility to do what you used to do before baby and it just works out for everyone.
I loved having my baby on MY schedule because it allowed for a happier and less stressful mom!
Congratulations on your baby!
I really want to read babywise despite the mixed reviews, but haven’t gotten around to it yet. Guess I netter hurry- 2 weeks left!
Just have to say I love this approach. I didn’t realize there was a book about it, but my husband and I had a long talk about this family philosophy a few days ago and both find it to be the best way to raise kiddos. Makes so much sense!
I took about the same stuff from Babywise. There were a lot of things that I disagreed with, but some stuff that I used and it worked well for our family. I think that is going to be the case with all parenting books – some stuff works and some doesn’t. Funny thing is that babies don’t care what you’ve planned on, they do their own thang! I scheduled both of my babies though, and it worked well. We did pretty much the same as you with splitting up the nights – DH was in grad school when both of ours were teensy. We also committed to having date nights – whether or not we had a sitter. Sometimes we would go out, sometimes we would just sit outside on the patio and chat over a glass of wine. It was nice to have that time to reconnect. No matter how much you love your spouse, the harried times of having a brand new baby can cause you to lose that and it is SO important to take the time to get it back!
No babies over here yet, but I could not agree more with this type of approach (your nutshell version – I haven’t read the book!) I’ve always thought that when the time comes for us to have a baby, that I would want the spouse to stay #1 and have the baby be “an addition” rather than becoming “the nucleus.” Love how you explained it!
One of my favorite pieces of parenting advice came from my pastor growing up (it was directed to fathers, but works both way): “The best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother.” I love it. I completely agree.
love this!
We never had our baby on a schedule. I find it was best to let her tells us when she wanted to eat. Just seems natural! 😉 we have had 2 date nights in 9 months! Lol, it hard when you are nursing, the baby needs you a lot more then a formula baby would. But we do a lot of things together with the baby. And when family is around, we barely even see her. I know how important date nights are, but if you can’t get away as much as you would like, just make stay at home nights romantic and fun. Movies in bed, dinner while the baby is asleep, little things. It all works! 🙂
I also want to add that I never let my baby cry. She has always been a great sleeper, even sleeps from 8pm to 9 am every night. We cosleep and I nurse, again no schedule. She is the happiest baby I know!
I so agree with you. I have a four month old and I thought I was going to blow the world up with all the things we were going to do! Lol! Not always the case. Feeding on demand feels natural and right to me, so that’s how we roll. I have a happy baby! We the baby goes to bed at night I have uninterrupted time with my husband, we have “date night” with a nicer home cooked meal and movie! I have read that on-demand murders sleep better at night because they have been kept full. And also, on-demand nursers wean later, because they aren’t always begging to be fed, and the praised for eating solids. incorporating a baby and continuing on with your life isnt as easy and throwing baby into a sling or carrier, like I said, I thought we would be doing everything I was doing before baby and more! So far from the truth, but I love my life as a mommy just the same!!!
But to each their own! I am sure what I do would not work for the next.
Lol, I think your auto correct made “nursers” into “murderers” haha, it just did it to me as I typed it too! Omg! So funny!
Lol I totally saw that after the fact and was like, hopefully people know that was auto correct!
One of my parenting mantras is “He came into my life, not the other way around.”
I have always nursed Aaron when he’s hungry, never on a schedule. He fell into a great nap routine and sleeping through the night most nights on his own. He goes where we go (we had him in a restaurant at 5 days old), but Solomon and I are still Solomon and I. We do our own things too. We just juggled things around to include Aaron in our lives, not revolve our lives around him.
You can’t plan on a baby sticking to a schedule-not all adults sleep through the night every night, or eat on a specific schedule. I think it’s unreasonable to expect a baby who can’t do anything for him or herself to do that!
That being said, Aaron is honestly one of the most happy babies I know. I know I got really lucky with him, but I think taking a less stringent approach has made us all happy!
i love the idea from the book and i look forward to seeing how you and the pilot maintain that once little miss comes along.. simply because you’re awesome at stuff like that and i feel like i will not be so good at it, whenever that day comes. also, i LOVE reading “her” makes me smile every time!!
I feel the same way you do about making sure to keep up your relationship and keeping up your normal routine, just having a new addition. I have kind of a weird situation with my preemies, but since they came home from the hospital, I don’t think we’ve stayed home all day more than once or twice.We had a lot of bonding time in the hospital, so when they got home, I was recovered from giving birth and active again so I wanted them to fit into that schedule, rather than going back to laying around a lot. I don’t think my life should stop just because I have 2 babies. They can come along and enjoy things too. It’s good for them anyway to get outside for walks and fresh air and start interacting with people. It’s also good for me so I’m not bored to tears just eating, sleeping, feeding, changing diapers, repeat. Especially when they’re not walking, they’re so easy to take along place so why not! My hubby and I went out to dinner to celebrate our 2 year anniversary and we brought the twins and honestly, hardly knew they were there. They slept the whole time! haha I am a strict schedule keeper though, but that’s mostly because I have 2 babies. Getting off schedule I’ve found leads to them taking turns crying, not eating as well, and one tired momma 😛 haha
I love how you have all this planned out! And I agree with it all! But all the planning sometimes goes right out the window, or just doesn’t work in your real life! So just be prepared either way!
With my daughter (my first child), she cried (screamed) most of her first year! And she has had an attitude most of her life! She was fed on demand (mostly just to stop her from crying), and that part worked for me! I stayed home from work for a few years after she was born! So she was mostly my responsibility, as my husband needed rest to get up and out to work every day! But that was OK with me as I now felt she was my JOB! We usually slept late and stayed up late!
My son, (my second child) was a totally different situation! A different personality all together! I went back to work part time when he was 8 months old! And he was also fed on demand, but more scheduled, as that was what worked for him! At 21 years old, he still likes a plan! And always has a plan B, and a lets just wing it attitude too! He seems very well rounded, and grounded!
My sister was definitely a “Stay on schedule” kind of new parent, and that worked great for her family!
Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Your life will never be the same again, and you wouldn’t want it any other way! You will find what works for you and your family, just be prepared to roll with the changes if the need to be! You may need to re-evaluate here and there!
I so appreciate your honest and insightful approach to talking about all the baby topics, but this post is particularly awesome! Though I am several years away from having children, I have thought a lot about how I want to raise them and love this philosophy. It just makes so much sense but seems to be forgotten in so many families.
No little ones here yet but you better believe we’re planning for it 😀 We’ve had this discussion many times before too. I’m so glad you brought it up because so many of my friends don’t follow this advice at all. When I married the hubby my parents told me, “He’s your number 1 now. Always treat him as such.” Him and I have already agreed that no matter what, we always are first to each other. MY motto is that: The kids are gonna leave us but you and me are forever … so you better treat me like you want that. 🙂 Great post chica!
I think it’s great that you guys are doing so much planning, and really putting thought into how you want to raise your daughter before she is born. I also think your child will be happier knowing that mom and dad are as much in love with her as they are with each other.
We pretty much had the same plan as you guys do, except the Pilot part…I did the night time shifts during the week and he pitched in on weekends….I actually found a gym that had daycare so i went everyday and my little man was adored by the staff there!
A peice of advice, laundry can wait sometimes – sleep when the baby sleeps, sleep when the baby sleeps, sleep when the baby sleeps!!! – Did I stress that enough? :p
I’m a ways away from having kids, but my whole philosophy on parenting sounds very, very close to this. Both my boyfriend and I come from divorced families, and we know firsthand the importance of keeping our relationship a priority (not merely a responsibility, and certainly not a chore!)
Sounds like you guys are headed in a great direction!
Thats so great that you have a game plan. I don’t have children but I certainly want them at some point, and I am always trying to think of ways to maintain my workout schedule when that day comes. I think you’ve hit the nail right on the head by planning exactly how that is going to happen. Also, its great that you have such an active lifestyle, that will surely become a way of life for the baby too. I can totally picture you and the pilot hiking around with one of those baby bjorn thingies : )
We’ve let our son, Alex, let us know when he’s ready for various milestones. And, when I was breastfeeding, if he was hungry, I would feed him. Again, it was natural. But, now that he is 2, almost 2 1/2, he’s sleeping 12-13 hours a night. We often go out with friends or out to dinner and he goes with us, he’s our little buddy! His sleeping schedule is that he generally goes to bed between 9 and 11, but he doesn’t wake up until 10 or 11 in the morning. It works for our schedule. We’re both night owls and don’t often have to go to work until later in the day. It is also definitely important to keep date nights and girls’ nights, etc mainly because everyone needs a break occasionally. 🙂
That sounds like really really good advice. The Hubs and I have talked about this a lot, as the subject of parenting really does crop up a lot in our conversations (even though we’re not nearly ready for a little one ourselves).
I’ll be really interested in reading how well you find your balance with the two most important relationships in your life 🙂 (and don’t forget to schedule in time for massages/acupuncture/mani-pedis… mama is gonna need them!)
Sounds good to have a plan. Don’t forget to be open to changes and not everyday ends up like planned. Our first child was a wake up call to how we thought everything was going to be. Infants are wonderful, but hard. Another book, if you are interested, is “Happiest Baby on the block.” It saved our life, (ours was an unhappy baby for 6 months.) I wish you the best! Parenthood is awesome!
That makes total sense and I think you are going to make wonderful parents! So happy to see that you guys have a plan in place to share the duties and keep the love alive 🙂
I’ve traveled a lot, and I have seen amazing healthy family structures – in those places the kids are part of the family, not its nexus. In those places, the children are loved, incredibly well behaved, its like they are everywhere but you don’t really notice! LOL. But most of all, what struck me was how the kids, teenagers, etc…. they respect and adore their parents, and family elders. In some places, they live with so little compared to us (but enough food/basics), but it really struck me how MUCH the kids did get, and how happy they seemed. They weren’t in child care all day..they were with their family, access to outdoors, etc.
In my opinion we have a cultural dysfunction brewing here in the US putting the children at the center of everything. We try to give them so much….but miss the most important parts. Home cooked meals, happy parents (with a life of their own!) to emulate….
I think you gut instinct on your future family dynamic is right on – good for you.
thank you!
this was an excellent comment- i couldn’t agree more with what you said
xoxo
i completely agree with this comment.
I’m in the middle of reading the same book. My hubs and I plan on making our relationship a priority, even when it’s hard with the little one. I told him he might just have to plan a date night and tell me the sitter will be here at blank time be ready because I may not always want to leave our little girl. We already have plans for our first overnight away from baby too!
Another book I’m getting ready to read is ‘The Happiest Baby on the Block’
Love your posts! I’m almost 33 weeks now and I’m starting to freak a little haha. It’s nice seeing other pregnant women prepping in a similar way as I am – gives me reassurance 🙂
I love that quote.
I am newly married and have zero plans (as of yet) to have a baby but we always talk about how *if* we do have a little one, we want our relationship to stay the priority. Just like it’s not healthy to make your life all about your spouse, its also not healthy to be so baby crazy that you let everything else slip away…
🙂
I did not do babywise with my first. We had no schedule, she often cried all night, and was always tired.
I did babywise with my 2nd child from the first feeding. It worked great for us. It made my life much easier and she was a very happy baby. To this day (7 years later), my 2nd is more well adjusted, more independent, and is an awesome eater and sleeper.
I totally support what Marguerite said!! I have a 4-month old and he is our 1st child and he is amazing and had a plan very similar to you. Planning a date night once a week or every other week, back to the gym asap, walks everyday, going out to stores on the fly. And then our very healthy little boy entered the world and he was a High needs colic baby. He would scream on the top of his lungs for hours a day with nothing to really calm him accept wearing him while running the vacuum. Hated the car. Hated the stroller. Just screamed bloody murder. Needless to say all our plans became altered and the first 3 months didn’t go quite as planned. Family had a very tough time calming him and it broke my heart to leave him knowing he was crying the whole time. Things have now changed greatly and have started our date nights and walks and sat running family errands but it was a slap in the face the first 3 months.
In the end it all works out and I hope you have a sweet easy going babes but it is true it’s good to prepare yourself that your plan may take a while to pan out!!!
Sounds like you two have a good set-up in mind 🙂 Love reading about your baby plans!
Gina you can’t possibly even imagine right now what you life is going to be like after baby comes, and even AFTER baby is here, you still can’t imagine what life will be like…from one day to the next even. It’s just so impossible to predict…so my advice is just take it all a day at a time.
What works on Monday will not work on Tues and Wed will be totally different and by Thursday something else will work. It’s just an ever-changing continuum.
When I was pregnant I wanted to plan, to predict, to figure it all out..and then..after the birth, NOTHING was like I thought it was. So I say, just be prepared for anything 🙂
“He’ll help me out on the nights when he won’t be flying the next day”– you have the milk. You will always be the preferred parent for your little angel. He can change a diaper but you’ve got the goods.
I never slept for longer than 3-4 hours at a time until after Skylar was 1 year old. I had the goods. And she was hungry. But I look back on those feedings and miss them. Crazy but true.
So happy for you two….you are going to be the BEST PARENTS. The fact that you’re thinking of all of this in advance…awesome.
xoxo
This is dead on, Avery! I have found this is how my 9 months with my baby have been! It’s very hard to plan ahead with a baby! 🙂
Right on! Well said, I have a four month old baby and agree…
I totally agree! I tried to plan, plan, plan everything.. But baby had his own plan. Right from the birth.. Boy, I wished I had payed more attention when we talked about c-sections at birthing class. My natural birth plan went right out he window.
But, yes, I echo this advice. Go with the flow, everyday will be different. And as soon as you think you’ve settled into a “schedule,” things will change the next day!
Same here with the csection stuff! I was like, pfft, don’t need to learn about that, that will never be me! Haha, my baby had her own ideas! 😉
My home birth plans — out the window! I wish I read the c-section chapter lol
Same here! Totally skipped the C-section chapter and didn’t even bring enough clothes with me when I went to the hospital because I never thought I would be there an extra day because of a c-section. I definitely recommend packing more comfy clothes then you will ever think you need!
Another momma of an almost-1 year old over here heartily agreeing!!!
Babies don’t care about plans or books. They laugh at them. Hysterically. Or get mad. Or cry. Or decide to have colic. Or not take a bottle. At all. Ever. Or breastfeed every hour/clusterfeed. Or to stay up for 8 hours in a row when everyone tells you that newborns sleep all the time. Or sometimes they go with the plan and you think all is good..then..BAM..the plan changes.
And I am not trying to be snarky, but I see the whole “letting you sleep in on the weekend” thing going right out the window. Yup. Sorry!
I agree, they have their own plan and you can predict very little. It’s a fun time, though. If you’re like most moms I know, the baby will dictate the schedule and you will learn to dread disrupting it, because life is so much smoother if you stick to it. That might include not wanting date nights for a while, too. But there’s a lot of special togetherness in co-parenting so you shouldn’t grow apart with a newborn.
And at my house help with the baby entailed me waking the dad up, and by that time it was easier to just do it myself so I did. Moms are wired to snap awake at the cry. I don’t know if dads are (or if I just got a heavy sleeper here).
The nurses told me on day 1 that I was going to go nuts if I kept feeding my baby hourly when she cried, and for my own sanity to start stretching her. If you don’t, they don’t learn to eat enough to tide them over to sleep several hours in between feedings, and you yourself get sleep deprived. It’s not depriving the baby of feedings if you really listen to the cry. Sometimes they really just want to squawk for a minute and settle back down. They’re controversial but our’s took a pacifier and that probably helped matters.
Yes, not trying to be snarky either, but that’s not how babies work!
Not trying to be snarky either, but its funny, once you have that baby, you really don’t care about those plans you had. She will be #1 for awhile and why not? She is only a baby once, enjoy every second you can. Mine is 9 months and when I watch videos from her as a newborn I dont think about the lack of sleep or how hormonal I was, I think of holding that little baby in my arms, or nursing her while looking at the moon in the late hours of the night, when it was just us. Those are moments you have to take in and enjoy as they come, not plan them on a time limit. You’ll see, it’s wonderful and you are going to be a great mom, I know it!
Was going to post something similar. If you’re going to BF, you have to prepare yourself to do a lot of the night work (or supplement with formula if you’re comfortable with that). We developed a pretty good system where I got up and did the feeding, but if I couldn’t get Lucy to sleep within 10 – 15 mins of the feeding’s end, Corey would get up and help out. Just gotta find what works for you!
thank you friend <3
it's just fun to muse and think about how we'd ideally like to do things, but of course are ready to go with the flow. we're going to take it as a fun adventure and be as prepared as we can beforehand
missed you at hls this weekend!
I couldn’t agree more with this. I don’t want my child to completely take over my life. It obviously will be a large part but I still want to have my sense of self and still have a relationship!
I don’t have kids but 100% agree with what we have said. Too many of my friends have let their kids be the center of their lives and I do worry how this will later effect their own relationship. Very well said 🙂
I’m glad to see that you plan to feed your baby when he or she is hungry, the AAP has denounced Ezzo and warned against his unqualified giving of advice(advice that is harmful to babies (mostly centered on his feeding practices)). http://bliss-breastfeeding.blogspot.com/2010/01/aap-releases-warning-for-ezzos-babywise.html
As a mother of three (none of whom are babies anymore) I urge you to be flexible with your children. They may have come into YOUR life, but they didn’t ask to. I’m not suggesting that you neglect your marriage, but be aware that children, babies in particular, take a lot of time and love. It would be interesting to have another post in a year and see what you think about this at that time. I remember before my first was born what my ideas were, and then how they changed and grew as I did as a mother and he did as a boy.
Good luck with everything – enjoy your time as a new mother – you’ll never again be a first time mother, it’s really a beautiful time – even though it can be hard to see that at the time – it is tiring;)
we didn’t have preconceived notions about whether we’d be on-demand or baby-wise parents. we ended up being on-demand, and maybe we’re just lucky, but our baby quickly set her own regular schedule for eating and sleeping — and was sleeping 10 hrs a night at 9 weeks. I guess our lives do sort of revolve around her at this point (she’s almost 7 months old), but I’m ok with that. she’s just an infant once. when we went on vacay recently, for example, we didn’t go out to dinner at all because that would mess with her (self-imposed) early bedtime. my husband stays home with her, so we rarely have to wake her to go places during the day, but when we’ve had to, it’s been ok.
I felt so strongly about the husband-first thing until the baby was actually born. It’s no secret that my love for her pretty much eclipsed my love for him, though, at least for the first few months when I was soaking it up like a sponge before I had to return to work. I think as long as you are conscious about the status of your relationship (and you have a helpful husband, as you and I both do), it will be fine without a lot of effort.
very exciting time for y’all 🙂
As a psychologist I can’t support the Babywise book. It is not appropriate to utilise controlled crying on a newborn infant. Also, parent directed feeding of newborns is linked to failure to thrive. Please read this link before you make up your mind:
http://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/babywise-dangers-warnings-parents-need-to-know
Also, babies should NEVER be left to cry it out before 3 months. In fact in my professional opinion babies should not be forced into a routine until after 3 months. For me, personally, after my son was born he became the centre of my universe automatically. I didn’t have a say in this and wouldn’t have it any other way. They are only babies for such a short period time. Enjoy it! Soak it up! Don’t get too hung up on schedules. You cannit spoil a baby by feeding them and loving them.
Rosie, thanks for posting this. I have worked for many years as a psychotherapist and postpartum doula and I think most people just don’t know that babies literally cannot regulate themselves until at least 3-4 months. That means before this time, they shouldn’t be allowed to cry it out, should not be put on a super regimented schedule, etc. This isn’t about different parenting styles—this is literally about the biology of the baby! Evolution tells us that before we got bigger as a species, human gestation was actually 12 months! The first three months of the baby’s life should be considered the “fourth trimester” in terms of how it is treated and nurtured.
I think Gina is very brave to put up posts like these, knowing that there are going to be a bevvy of comments and thoughts and opinions thrown her way. Hopefully we can all just learn from one another!!
I was not a fan of Babywise at all. That said, more information is always better. Somethings will work, others won’t, every child is different and you just have to adjust day to day. I fed both of my kids when they were hungry and my son was sleeping 8 hours when he was 5 1/2 weeks old. My daughter was sleeping 8 hours by about 8 weeks old. But I have to agree with something Averie said above. You are the one feeding the baby. Both my kids were 100% breast fed and I was the one with the breasts! When they woke up at night it pretty much had to be me. The one thing I found extremely helpful though was that my daughter always wanted to play after she ate (my son went right back to sleep). When I was exhausted, I would feed her, change her and hand her to my husband. But I do agree with the idea that the best thing for your child is a strong marriage. My kids are happy when they see my husband and I happy together.
Here’s my advice, unsolicited: Take what comes. I read, educated myself, made decisions on how I’d like to do things, but in the end, every child is different. Go with the flow. Do what feels right. The biggest thing I remember is learning on a whole new level that I was NOT in control. And that baby came first. For months. But that’s ok. By three months, he was out of the bed, in his own crib, and a few months after that, in his own room. So, did my husband lose his status for awhile? Chya! And to this day, my son is my priority. But my husband is quite definitely appreciated, and between date nights and finding ways to spend time together, our relationship is as strong as it ever was. You may be able to do what I couldn’t, and devote more time and attention to your husband right away. So do what you need to do for your little girl. The rest will follow.
We have been able to keep a pretty good schedule with Summer. Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Weissbluth is our sleeping bible. Seriously, love that book and followed it to a tee – I was so clueless as to how much sleep babies really need. Those first 4 to 5 months, planning or trying to keep a schedule kind of went out the window. Summer set the schedule, but around 4.5 months, we got her on a regular sleeping routine and now make naps a priority. Up until then, I took Summer everywhere with me and she would sleep in her carseat carrier, but now we try to be at home for all naps. I still take her everywhere, but just not during nap time. 🙂 However I will say that babies do adapt, and since we’ve been traveling for the last 5 weeks, nap time hasn’t always been so regular. Thankfully Summer does nap really well in her Ergo baby carrier if we’re out and about. Love that you’re going to wear the Nugget. Love babywearing. The Ergo is by far my favorite carrier. We have the sport version, and it is so easy to get off and on. Plus it’s the only one CD will wear. My ring sling and Mei Tai are a little too girly for him.
CD and I still get our time together. Summer goes to bed around 6 PM, and so it’s usually just the two of us at night, but when we go out, we like taking Summer with us. Again, she’s easy to take places, and we’ve never had a problem. People keep warning us that that will change, but they started saying that would happen around 6 weeks of age. She’s 9 months now, and it’s always fine. I’m sure you’ve already learned to take all advice with a grain of salt. The best advice I ever got was to follow my intuition and be the best mama I could be, emphasis on “I”. You’re the mom and mom knows best. You will know best. 🙂
Sleeping in on the weekends hasn’t happened yet for me, but I have high hopes. The one with the boobies shall rise early and often. 😉
Not a Babywise fan, but LOVED Baby Whisperer. Saved my life! This book emphasizes routine rather than schedule. Also, paying attention to baby’s cues and “start as you mean to go on” meaning that don’t start doing something (co-sleeping) if you don’t intend to continue…for however long. (we had only a few rare occasions of co-sleeping and have had excellent sleepers!) my kids are 5 and 6 now and I always recommend this book.
That is such a great book!! So glad you’re reading it 🙂 It is soo important to make sure your marriage doesn’t fall to the back burner, b/c when it does it affects everything else! You’ll be better parents because of it and your child is going to appreciate you and your hubby going on date nights and mainting a good relationship with each other. At the end of the day– nothing means more to a kid than seeing their mom or dad in love with each other. 🙂 Happy parents= happy house :).
I can’t support babywise enough. IT IS AMAZING! don’t get me wrong it is tuff to get the little one to get on schedule for about the first month but if you stick with it it really works. My daughter was born a month early and I did demand feeding for about 2 weeks and she was so unhappy and I was pulling my hair out then I did babywise and she totally gained wait and was thriving and we were both so much happier. A good thing to remember if you choose to do it is that it is a flexible schedule. If your baby is hungry and it is not time it is okay to feed them. It is more about the cycle eat wake sleep then the time schedule. I like that the method really helped me to know what my baby needed when they needed it. Just because your baby cries does not mean it is hungry. Also the method really helped my husband to know what the baby needed based on what time of the schedule it was. This gave me a break and him confidence to take care of the baby. Again it is a lot of work the first month but after that you will be sooooooo glad you did this. Good luck to you in you decision.
You put a preemie born a month early on a babywise schedule at 2 weeks?? A lot of preemies born a month early do not even GET the suck/swallow/breathe reflex or latch properly at first. Perhaps that was the reason why things were so difficult for you for the first two weeks. Or maybe just having a newborn for 2 weeks is kinda a difficult thing/adjustment. Just a guess, of course.
“If your baby is hungry and it is not time it is okay to feed them.”
Yes, it is always okay to feed a hungry screaming infant. I couldn’t agree more.
I don’t know of any pediatrician that recommends Babywise around here (in fact at the hospital they recommend NOT using that method) – but it never hurts to read all kinds of theories.
My babies were (and still are) on a schedule – that was ultimately dictated by them. Here’s the thing though — babies THRIVE on routine, but it has to be a routine based on their cues. One book I HIGHLY recommend reading is Healthy Sleep Habit, Happy Child. Don’t worry so much about the Crying It Out approach but for the insight it gives on sleep patterns – especially with newborns. Because of the awesome tips I was able to pick up and enforce at a young age – my kids are awesome sleepers, go to bed at 7:30 (almost) every night, and are a generally pleasant to be around.
My kids ARE the center of OUR world – and I think that’s an important distinction. I still have plenty alone time with my husband – but kids are only little once and my life (for now) is based on their needs. And that works for us!
I never read the book, but when I had my son 2 years ago, I had a schedule for him and it has worked out great! He has been sleeping 12-14 hrs every night since 3 mo old, and takes a 3 hr afternoon nap. Some friends of mine think me wanting to keep him on a schedule is crazy, but it helps keep my sanity!!
One of the most important things you can do for your child is give her a mommy and daddy that love and respect each other, and to do that you must continue to nurture the relationship you have for one another.
With that said, life with a little one is completely different from the life you lead with just your spouse. In the beginning, the babies dictated a lot of what we did, and the sleep deprivation didn’t make us good dinner hosts. But we had one-on-one dates when we could, and we really cherished the time we had once the kids went to bed.
Now that our kids are older (5 & 3) the Hubby and I take time away every chance we get (which isn’t too often, as we are a military family and don’t live too close to family members who can watch our kids); that, and with school, and sports, life just gets too busy to take too much time away.
Honestly the best thing is to see how you feel once she’s in your arms. Everything you read and were told flies out the window. Your decisions are instinctual ya know? As long as you show each other love and create a healthy atmosphere you will be good to go.
Please, read more on Babywise. It is VERY controversial!! I also think your baby should be the center of both of your worlds!! drmomma.org has some great articles that discuss how Babywise has led to infant dehydration, etc. I’m sure you will, but just do the research….
Your plan sounds great Gina. Talking about things like this beforehand seem so crucial. You guys are ahead of the game! 🙂 Even though I have no baby [currently! ;)], I completely agree about the baby becoming an addition to the family + not the center of the family. I think I would be all about baby-wearing too. xo
Schedules work! That said, a baby cannot conform to a schedule until they are three months old. Until then, they need to be tended to whenever they ask for it. I was not a fan of babywise myself. We love Healthy sleep habits, Happy child. Don’t force too much in the beginning. We tried a date night when he was 6 weeks old, and we just stared at each other, exhausted, wanting to go home. but once they (and you) are sleeping more than 5 hours at a time, the romance comes back ; )
I haven’t heard many good things regarding babywise, especially in regards to establishing breastfeeding, but so much of it is taking what works for you from all the different books and going with it. Good Night Sleep Tight was hands down the BEST book I used regarding sleep and establishing a routine (however, she’ll keep changing things up on you as soon as you get used to something). It’s an easy read and covers sleep needs and how to establish healthy sleep habits from newborn through age five. After having two kids, I’ve learned to be prepared for anything & hope for the best and change is your only constant. Pretty much all my plans went right out the window when we came home with our first daughter, but you figure out what works for your family as you go along (took me a long time to accept that because I like to have everything nice and planned out; however babies aren’t so cooperative with that). Regardless, you two will be great parents.
I tried to get my little guy on a schedule as soon as possible. It didn’t fall into place until he was about 3 months old though. The key is to be slightly flexible and go with the flow a little. Some babies just don’t fall into a schedule and so don’t get too frustrated if that happens. At that point it is beyond your control.
I too fed my baby off schedule if he was hungry. Can’t starve him! But the schedule really made my life a little easier to plan. I also agree that you should try to make your child a part of your life rather than the other way around. Ask a friend or family member to babysit once a week so that you and the spouse can have some quality time together.
Loved meeting you this weekend. You and the Pilot make such a cute couple and you’re going to have such a gorgeous baby!
It’s great that you are trying to plan all of these things before the baby comes 🙂 I mean things might change a little for a little while when the baby is no but trying to get back into your normal routine of date nights and spending time with each other is really important. You guys seem so deeply in love and honestly care about each other so I doubt a baby will bring anyyyy problems to your relationship just bring more love <3