The mom identity crisis
When I first had Liv, I used to get a little bummed out when I saw moms that looked so “put together.”
While reading mommy blogs, I’d see photos of these moms, perfectly coiffed, wearing heels and red lipstick, and here I was in yesterday’s pajamas, with sticky hair and a unibrow.
I feared quite a few things when Liv was first born. Many of them had to do with my own worries and insecurities about taking care of her: making sure she was warm, fed, happy, felt loved and was safe. And then there were the silly ones, some that seem so selfish looking back, but in the moment felt so permanent.
I was afraid I’d never be able to leave the house again. I was constantly attached to the pump, and I thought if I ever did get to leave the house, I’d emerge with a mangled mess of greasy hair, which would be up in a bun and my bangs pulled back, thus making said unibrow even more obvious to everyone around me. I’d never be able to paint my nails again.
I felt selfish for having these thoughts because obviously Liv was my number one concern, but I eventually realized that you need to care and worry about yourself too. The whole “put your oxygen mask on first” thing and all that jazz. If making sure you have two eyebrows is part of your oxygen mask, that’s ok. It’s a matter of doing that you need to do to make you feel good, and make you feel human when you feel like an isolated milk machine. In the thick of it all, I was also a little afraid of losing myself in the process of wholly loving and living for another person.
When you become a mom, you know and expect all of your priorities to shift down the totem pole, as caring for someone else becomes your number one job and passion. Even so, for me, there was also a fear of losing everything else I’d worked for and who I’d become in the path to motherhood. I had a bit of an identity crisis and felt pulled in many directions: mom, wife, fitness professional, blogger… I started to mentally compartmentalize each “identity” and task, and by doing so, took myself farther away from all of them. The more responsibilities and tasks you take on, the more they need to overlap so they’ll all fit. I didn’t want anything to overlap or take away from my mom identity, but at the same time, I feared that I might not have the time to do the small things I enjoyed, like read a book or see a movie with friends.
Looking back, I wish I would have had to foresight to see that the insane amount of worked paired with intense sleep deprivation was temporary, but foresight has never been my virtue. I live IN the moment, and the way things are at that particular second feel like they’ll exist as so, forever. It’s kinda silly, but I can’t help it. One of the things that helped me in the beginning was hearing other moms say that it was hard. It doesn’t mean that you love your baby any less, you didn’t want or expect it, but it feels good to hear a verbal acknowledgment of the truth. I think I’d be worried more to hear someone say that being a mom is super easy, or that they didn’t feel their life was any different after their child was born. When Liv was born, I had to mourn the loss of my old life, which was challenging and necessary as a new and more amazing one started to unfold. It’s not something that many moms talk about -as if by doing so you means that you want to go back to the way things used to be, which isn’t the case at all.
Sure, I *miss* going to the movies, taking random naps and coming and going however I pleased. Does it mean I want that time back? Absolutely not. You can miss and appreciate pieces of your old life while loving every second of the new one at the same time.
Now we’re at a time that seemed so far away in the beginning. We can now leave the house with no probs, and Liv is such a great and fun little companion. She talks and sings to me, can give me ideas of what she needs or wants, and we have a blast together. As much as I’m enjoying every moment and solidifying the beautiful memories in my mind, I’ve realized that even as things become easier, it’s still juggling. So many plates up in the air, you can drop the work plates but not the family or love plates.
While out at lunch one day, we watched a family with two very small children enjoying their Indian food dinner at a table in the restaurant near ours. Tom leaned over to me and whispered,”They just know how to orchestrate the chaos.”
And that’s all it is: a dance and orchestration of the many tasks and responsibilities for it to all come together. You shuffle and juggle the things you need to, while trying to make it as seamless and serene as possible. Even on the easier days, I may look like I might have it together with matching clothes on and Livi happily along with me. I know my hair’s not washed, I forgot the wipes and am praying to God there’s no #2 action while we’re out and about and we had PB&J for breakfast since we’re out of eggs.
It’s a stressful dance because you want to do it right, though you may take little missteps and fall-outs along the way. With the intricate movement and crescendoes throughout, you focus on where you are, do the best you can, and breathe in each beautiful moment.
<3
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Lovely post.. <3
Wow…just…WOW. Flawlessly written! You have echoed every working Mother/wife/friend/daughter sentiment I’ve had in my head since my baby boy was born just three weeks after your Liv! You quite literally could NOT have said it any better. Well done. Keep up the good work and thanks for keeping the Mom talk “real”!
wow, thank you so much, darci <3
Thank you for writing this! As a new mom I feel the same ways.
What a heart felt post 🙂 I can totally see how a new mom might feel like she’s missing a part of who she was.
For the record – I totally see you as one of those so-put-together type moms!!
So true! I love it!
What a great post…and well timed for me. I am pregnant with my first and have recently had fears about how I will manage it all, especially when I go back to work full time after the baby comes…and doing it all while being a pilot wife with a husband who is gone 3-4 days at a time each week. I’m glad I’m not the only one that will be mourning the loss of one life while creating a new life. 🙂
you’ll do it, and it will be amazing <3
I absolutely love this. I wouldn’t change my life for one second, but I miss going to the movies too. 😉
loved this post. I have been feeling this way a lot lately, and this was just what I needed to read. As a mother to an 8 month old who still doesn’t sleep at night…thinking of it as a dance you learn to juggle is such a great image!
Such a beautiful post 🙂 I have an 18 month old and am due in 7 weeks with #2. I feel so much wiser this time around and sometimes wish I would’ve known that it’d get easier & better- but that is the beautify in life- living in the moment and learning afterwards.
Thanks for your insights 🙂
What a lovely post! My babe is two and a half weeks. It’s so nice to hear how difficult it can be from another great mom. Liv is beautiful!
Xo!
In tears… We’re 17 months in and I felt/feel this all the time. You nailed so many different thoughts right on the head.
Also, thank you for your honesty. To me, you do have it all together!
This makes my heart so warm. You are incredible.
thank you for admiting is is hard…and being so real and hoenst. i REALLY appreciate that. im a brand new moma myself and with a baby who just turned 6 months still feeling this way… and yes-ive done the whole praying theres no #2 because i forgot the wipes. multiple times!
Just enjoy every minute of it little Momma.I am now a Grand Momma and although them grandbabies are grand.And time has now passed and mine are grown.I too miss ,and appreciate my old life of when they were little.They were and always will be my babies! but at the same time I am enjoying every second I have with the New grandbabies.Take it all in,,,and try not to stress or sweat the small stuff.Time passes too quickly 🙁
This is everything I wish I had read in the first 6 weeks of motherhood, when everything is just a blur and you’re ‘mom’ now, and maybe don’t know if you’ll ever get those other parts of yourself back. Beautifully written: I’m sending this to all my pregnant girlfriends.
As a new mom to an 11 week old, I needed to hear this. I am struggling now with old me vs. new me and am in the process of mourning what life was once like while also loving where my life is headed. Thanks for this <3
Beautiful and amazing post! Love your honesty! I have a three year and can totally relate 🙂
Love this! I struggle with my mom identity! Since my baby was born I have lost track of the things I enjoy. And being a military family means we are far from home and my husband is a DI so he is never home, i don’t trust anyone enough where we live to watch my baby so its just me and her. All day long. Sometimes i feel like I am going to go crazy… but then I remember how happy I am to have her after we tried so long to get pregnant. I drag her along where ever I need to go and we make it work. But sometimes it gets hard.
Thank you for writing this. It’s beautiful. My little guy is due in 12 weeks and, as exited as I am to meet him, thinking about the amount of change my husband and I are about to experience is a little overwhelming at times. I know we’ll find a rhythm and love our new life as a family of three, but it helps to hear someone else’s story. <3
This was such an amazing post! Thank you for writing. I’m due with my third in a few weeks and still work on trying to remember “if making sure you have two eyebrows is part of your oxygen mask, that’s ok”. Such an important thing to be kind to yourself too. You are doing a great job momma!
Great post! I think it is harder for first time moms. The second time around you know what to expect and can look forward to that day when things get a little easier.
Beautifully said, Gina! It’s a dance that changes form many many times … but it’s an amazing one, one we wouldn’t change for anything!
PS-One of the beautiful lululemon models looks SO much like a grown-up version of Liv. Every time I visit the site and see her, I think of Liv!
i’ve seen her and thought the same thing!
LOVE this post. My sentiments exactly. Being a mom is HARD. The hardest thing I’ve ever done in fact. (my baby girl is 6 months) I remember thinking I would never leave the house after she was born!!
Thank you for this post! I have been worrying about many of these things (I’m due in August). It’s really reassuring to read a post like this from someone who works full time, like I will.
Thank you Gina for a well-timed post! As a first time mom of a 9 week old, I spent the first few weeks feeling exactly as you described. I definitely mourned my old life and at the same time felt guilty for doing so. As the weeks go on I am starting to enjoy our “new normal” and feel more confident in my abilities to be a mom. You’re right. Being a new mom is HARD. People don’t talk about it enough.It’s nice to hear I’m not the only one who feels that way. 🙂
As someone that is sitting here reading this while holding their one month old baby, with a unibrow, unwashed hair, dirty yoga pants and a tee shirt with milk all over it…. THANK YOU. I needed to hear it. Thank you.
She is adorable…It does really become all about the kids when you have them, which is not a bad thing. You just learn to love things differently 🙂
Beautiful post Gina! So real and honest. I love it!
My sons are 19 and 15. The dance does not ever stop it just gets different from year to year. (Currently we are doing the “I’m smarter than you teenage mambo”) You totally have it figured out! It took me much longer to “get it”. Livi is adorable and you two are great parents.
Although i have a beauty blog i don’t really nor have i ever really cared what i look like. My children are near 6&7 now and i’ve been through some very tough times. Caring about looking flawless and getting worked up about not being so is laughable. Laughable even if you don’t have children.
Many bloggers are like myself. They put on their makeup for the pictures and much like you, laze around in grotty but comfy joggers and let their toe hair grow unless its sandal wearing weather.
I love the escapism of being ‘shallow’ about makeup and beauty.
btw, i do miss going to the cinema, it’s the one thing i do truly miss. We don’t have anyone babysit for us at all so having a break without the children is like gold dust.
I will not be made to feel guilty for enjoying my time without our children, as being a full time parent (meaning never having someone look after your children other than yourself) isn’t fantastic. Sorry if that makes me sound like some sort of martyr because i want to be a mother and i wouldn’t wish them away for anything, but it is okay to want more than being just a mother.
omg, i love knowing I’m not the only one with toe hair!
“You can miss and appreciate pieces of your old life while loving every second of the new one at the same time.” This is totally what I needed to hear today, thank you for writing this post!!
I have been reading you blog for so long Gina, but it is posts like these that keep me coming back. You fully embrase who you are and have never once tried to be something else. I am nowhere near the point in my life of being a mother, but I feel like bookmarking this page to re-read once I am.
<3 thank you, lizzie!
Love this posts Gina!!! some of the thoughts you went through are some of the thoughts I feel I will experience whenever I become a mom. You are so beautiful on the inside and out 🙂 love ya girl, and thanks for sharing!! xoxo
Awww this is why i love your blog so much Gina! Thank you for your beautiful, insightful posts – makes me SO excited to start a family with my husband soon 🙂
Thanks so much for sharing this! I feel the exact same way just as my baby turns one next week!
Love this post, friend. I’ve been feeling a lot of this same stuff recently. We finally have our act together here too, and it’s been a long time coming. There was definitely a point though where I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Love that last part. I always have wipes but often forget the diapers. Oops!
Beautiful.
What you’ve explained here is exactly what I’m going through right now. My son is four months old and I’m exclusively pumping. I feel like getting out of the house is such a chore because I only have a 2-3 hour window before I need to pump again. It’s hard and I feel like I don’t get the chance to have any fun. On top of that my son is a terrible napper sonim fighting with him to get to sleep as well. it doesnt give me much time to do anything. i look around at everyone else with babies and wonder how they make it seem so easy! I want to continue crossfit and yoga, I’m working towards building my blog more and being a better blogger, my relationship is struggling because I’m stressed and extra hormonal still and I’m trying to be the best mom I can be for my son. It’s hard. On top of that im having self esteem issues since i gained more weight than i expected, ended up with more stretch marks then expected and had an emergency c-section so i have that scar to deal with. I definitely mourn my old life. I miss my six pack. i miss getting gussied up and going for dinner with friends, I miss bar tending, I miss running errands in a couple hours not in the span of a week. I love my son to pieces, I don’t want him to grow up too quickly, but I’m ready for the hard part to be over. To be done pumping, to have nap time down pat, to be able to enjoy myself and my boyfriend.
Thank you for writing this post, it gives me hope that soon this period will be over. <3
it really will be over before you know it, even though the tough parts seem to drag on forever. exclusively pumping is extremely time-consuming- i definitely know the “can’t leave since i have to pump soon” feeling. hang in there and know you’re doing an incredible job.
sending love to you <3
WOW! This post is amazing, heart-felt and so eloquent! I am not yet a mom (getting married in two months and hope to start soon :)) but I love hearing from a new mom’s perspective and that it’s OK to mourn your ‘pre-motherhood’ life while accepting all of the challenges and joys of the new one. You are an inspiration and I love reading your blog daily. Thank you!!
That first year IS HARD. And there is grief for your prior freedom and lifestyle, despite not wanting to change your new one.
It keeps getting easier, in my experience.
So true. The juggling only gets a little crazier the older they get because of their own activities but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Besides hearing from other mom’s that it is difficult, it is also nice to hear that you’re doing ok. You’re doing great! J
i really enjoyed this post. 🙂 very real.
It is so true. I have a 4 week old daughter (my fourth) and because I’m so used to sleep deprivation and have three others to wrangle, I’m out and about, fully dressed, going about my business, back to teaching two yoga classes a week. One of those is a post natal class and the mums are a little put out that I’m ‘put together’ but it’s in the eye of the beholder and we all do what we need to do. First time motherhood was brutal, I didn’t leave the house for weeks, I could barely function and I needed someone to tell me it was ok. Second time was slightly better and now, well, you get going because that’s what you do!
Motherhood is so many things all at once, messy, scary, blissful, exhausting but worth the sacrifices
Thank you so much for this post! I have a 3 month old and am still adjusting to life as a new mom. It’s amazing to be able to relate to other women who have the same experiences / thoughts / feelings. This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me.
A very VERY heartfelt post, Gina. LOVE! Even though I’m not a mom (hopefully some day), I thoroughly enjoy this post because it showcases how to truly live IN the moment, beautifully. This also gives me a very good idea of what to expect while going through major life stage changes as a young woman. Needless to say, you’re an amazing mom, wife, friend, daughter, blogger, fitness professional… wow, that’s already many MANY amazing accomplishments. Relish every single one of them. You.Are.Amazing. <3 And you just keep on inspiring me to be real and be true to myself. xo
thank you so much, josie- your comment hugged my heart <3
xoxo
Great post! I felt like I was drowning when I had my first. It seemed like no one talked about how hard it was. We missed so much about our own lives and for awhile thought we might not have any more kids. Now here we are with an almost 3-year-old and a 3-month-old. I’m so glad we had another one because the second time around is so much different and so much easier.
for the first few weeks, i was drowning, too. i felt like i was suckerpunched because no one really tells you how hard it is! i think a lot of it comes from having no idea what to really expect until you’re there.
it gives me hope to hear that the second is easier for so many 🙂
“In the thick of it all, I was also a little afraid of losing myself in the process of wholly loving and living for another person.”
My 2 cents, for what its worth:
Living wholly for another person, you will lose yourself. This applies to mothers or any other co-dependent relationship. It is essential that mothers not let the idea of motherhood swallow them whole. I see so many mothers that “would do anything” for their child, to the point of stifling the child and absolutely destroying themselves in the process, when a strong, thriving role model is what the child really needs…
Perhaps this is just semantics, but I think there’s also something beautiful and wonderful about giving yourself over to the transformation. If I’m being poetic about it, I lost myself to motherhood and it wasn’t until I let go of my former self and embraced the new one that I felt happy.
As a mom to be I loved reading this post. I often wonder about missing parts of my “old” life… going wherever we wanted, whenever. Relaxing just because I feel like it. It’s scary to think of all the changes coming my way, but I’m excited for them too 🙂
As always, your candor and honesty are very appreciated. Not a mom, but can definitely relate to the feelings of having a large event cause an identity crisis. Wonder how The Pilot dealt with watching you go through that. Would love his perspective as well.
Forgot the wipes…haha. I’ve totally been there. One day, I ALMOST forgot to back a change of clothes and contemplated not lugging baby and carseat back into the house to gather some. Good thing I did, because that was the day my baby girl pooped through her clothes at the mall 🙂 🙂 I’m talking about a massive poop explosion!
Loved this post! It was right on.