The mom identity crisis
When I first had Liv, I used to get a little bummed out when I saw moms that looked so “put together.”
While reading mommy blogs, I’d see photos of these moms, perfectly coiffed, wearing heels and red lipstick, and here I was in yesterday’s pajamas, with sticky hair and a unibrow.
I feared quite a few things when Liv was first born. Many of them had to do with my own worries and insecurities about taking care of her: making sure she was warm, fed, happy, felt loved and was safe. And then there were the silly ones, some that seem so selfish looking back, but in the moment felt so permanent.
I was afraid I’d never be able to leave the house again. I was constantly attached to the pump, and I thought if I ever did get to leave the house, I’d emerge with a mangled mess of greasy hair, which would be up in a bun and my bangs pulled back, thus making said unibrow even more obvious to everyone around me. I’d never be able to paint my nails again.
I felt selfish for having these thoughts because obviously Liv was my number one concern, but I eventually realized that you need to care and worry about yourself too. The whole “put your oxygen mask on first” thing and all that jazz. If making sure you have two eyebrows is part of your oxygen mask, that’s ok. It’s a matter of doing that you need to do to make you feel good, and make you feel human when you feel like an isolated milk machine. In the thick of it all, I was also a little afraid of losing myself in the process of wholly loving and living for another person.
When you become a mom, you know and expect all of your priorities to shift down the totem pole, as caring for someone else becomes your number one job and passion. Even so, for me, there was also a fear of losing everything else I’d worked for and who I’d become in the path to motherhood. I had a bit of an identity crisis and felt pulled in many directions: mom, wife, fitness professional, blogger… I started to mentally compartmentalize each “identity” and task, and by doing so, took myself farther away from all of them. The more responsibilities and tasks you take on, the more they need to overlap so they’ll all fit. I didn’t want anything to overlap or take away from my mom identity, but at the same time, I feared that I might not have the time to do the small things I enjoyed, like read a book or see a movie with friends.
Looking back, I wish I would have had to foresight to see that the insane amount of worked paired with intense sleep deprivation was temporary, but foresight has never been my virtue. I live IN the moment, and the way things are at that particular second feel like they’ll exist as so, forever. It’s kinda silly, but I can’t help it. One of the things that helped me in the beginning was hearing other moms say that it was hard. It doesn’t mean that you love your baby any less, you didn’t want or expect it, but it feels good to hear a verbal acknowledgment of the truth. I think I’d be worried more to hear someone say that being a mom is super easy, or that they didn’t feel their life was any different after their child was born. When Liv was born, I had to mourn the loss of my old life, which was challenging and necessary as a new and more amazing one started to unfold. It’s not something that many moms talk about -as if by doing so you means that you want to go back to the way things used to be, which isn’t the case at all.
Sure, I *miss* going to the movies, taking random naps and coming and going however I pleased. Does it mean I want that time back? Absolutely not. You can miss and appreciate pieces of your old life while loving every second of the new one at the same time.
Now we’re at a time that seemed so far away in the beginning. We can now leave the house with no probs, and Liv is such a great and fun little companion. She talks and sings to me, can give me ideas of what she needs or wants, and we have a blast together. As much as I’m enjoying every moment and solidifying the beautiful memories in my mind, I’ve realized that even as things become easier, it’s still juggling. So many plates up in the air, you can drop the work plates but not the family or love plates.
While out at lunch one day, we watched a family with two very small children enjoying their Indian food dinner at a table in the restaurant near ours. Tom leaned over to me and whispered,”They just know how to orchestrate the chaos.”
And that’s all it is: a dance and orchestration of the many tasks and responsibilities for it to all come together. You shuffle and juggle the things you need to, while trying to make it as seamless and serene as possible. Even on the easier days, I may look like I might have it together with matching clothes on and Livi happily along with me. I know my hair’s not washed, I forgot the wipes and am praying to God there’s no #2 action while we’re out and about and we had PB&J for breakfast since we’re out of eggs.
It’s a stressful dance because you want to do it right, though you may take little missteps and fall-outs along the way. With the intricate movement and crescendoes throughout, you focus on where you are, do the best you can, and breathe in each beautiful moment.
<3
142 Comments
Leave a Comment
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I like this post very much.
I’ve found the second time around was not any easier- a different kind of identity crisis, where I panicked when I was no longer providing hours of undivided, devoted attention to my older son! He’s fine of course- and in the end I’m sure he appreciates having a little brother more than having a helicopter mom- but I was really taken aback for awhile, because I thought the second baby would be a piece of cake!
We make it work, don’t we? It is really nice to hear stories like this from other moms!
<3ed this!! Thanks for sharing your personal experience, which is just like mine, and obviously a gazillion other moms/women out there. You rock – unwashed hair, unibrow and all 🙂
aww, thank you friend 🙂
Thank you so much for this. Your honesty is so comforting.qw We are definitely in the thick of it over here with a 2.5 year old and teething/sick 5 month old… The sleep deprivation is at an all time high! Sometimes it feels like the chaos is orchestrating me! 🙂
whoa, hang in there. teething is no joke
This is the best post I’ve seen from you in a long, long time. Very authentic.
thank you<3
What she said! Love this post.
I’m not a mom yet, but I really appreciated this post! It’s great that you put this into words! I can see myself relating in the future; I will think of this when my time comes 🙂
Great post!
So very very true. I sometimes laugh when remembering my life pre-Max. I could wake up late (8am was the norm, not 6:30), I could go to the gym for hours, and yes – movies could happen any time. Now I am lucky if I get more than 30 minutes at the gym and I’ve only seen one movie since Max was born over 14 months ago. Funny story – I go to the gym after school and usually rush in, run on the treadmill/do a few weights, and then rush back out. One guy that is always there always smiles ‘hello’ and I swear sometimes I think he wonders why I run in and out so fast. So the other day I picked up Max after the gym and headed in to the grocery store and I saw the gym guy again – he took a look at Max and his face was all “ohhhh that makes sense!”. Or at least that is what I think 🙂
Beautiful writing in this post. I’m not a mom – or anywhere near becoming a mom, really – but I have these thoughts and fears often, including whether having a child would cause me to lose my identity or to lose a part of who I worked for so many years to be. It is refreshing to hear you hash out the truth – that it’s hard and you do somewhat miss how things were before – but reassuring to know that your new identity is perhaps even more beautiful.
What a beautifully written post! I’m not a mom yet, but I can imagine that these feelings come up for most parents. I’m also a teacher, and sometimes I feel a smidge (though certainly not extreme) of what you’re describing. Thanks for sharing!
Beautiful post. I am not a mother, or anywhere close to that point in my life, but your tendency to “live in the moment’ is a gift!
So many of us live in the “next” too much, its all about appreciating the now 🙂
I really appreciated this post.
I had my son 4months ago and it’s a constant struggle for me to the balance the old and new me. I have had friends who have not been too kind about the new me.. who feel abandoned.. and are probably mourning the old me more than I am so its a constant reminder for me that things are not the same. You are right, sometimes it does feel good to hear from other moms that it is hard. That the balance isnt easy. And that at the end of the day we do the best we can
I look forward to the day when leaving the house is not a big activity/breakdown.
sigh.
it will be here before you know it.
i can definitely relate.. i isolated myself from my friends when liv was tiny because the ones who were single/in school/sans kids didn’t know what i was going through, and i thought they’d all think i was boring because all i did was pump and then cry about breastfeeding problems. but now, the real friends are all still there and while it’s harder to plan things, we make it happen and work. you will, too! hang in there <3
What a great post. As someone who does not yet have kids (but hopefully soon!), I already worry (I`m a worrier) about all the plates that would need juggling if kids were in the picture. This post is absolutely perfect and is a great reminder that things are temporary and that life is beautiful.
beautiful post, Gina.
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
great post! that first picture is so precious
What an amazing, wonderful post Gina. Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to open up and never be fake. I’m not a mama but this post not only brought a smile to my face, but reminded me that, as life goes on and new challenges pop up, you can adjust to them and be a happier, more complete person- and that, as you perfectly said, you can miss part of your old self while enjoying who/where you are now.
You are amazing Gina, and your daughter is obviously a very loved little one! 🙂
My girls are two and I still really struggle with this. With twins it took even longer to start getting out of the house. I still miss my old life, but I wouldn’t want to change it and go back.
Ah yes. I find it especially frustrating when my friends w/out kids think I should not be letting kids control my life and I should be doing all the things I used to. Like you said, we mourn the loss of our old life, and embrace the new..and as they get older we begin to embrace some parts of our old life. It’s a season, a beautiful, messy one!
Thanks so much for writing this post. My son is two months old and I’m rapidly approaching the “return to work” time. I’m really struggling with what decision to make – go back to a job I really enjoyed or stay home in my new role as mom that I LOVE. I feel incredibly torn. You’ve given me a lot to think about 🙂
sending love to you.. it’s a hard decision but you’ll make the best choice.
xoxo
Gina, this is without a doubt the most beautiful post you’ve written. I’m not a mom yet, but your words brought me to tears. I admire your bravery and honesty about motherhood! I hope to emulate it when my time in the “mom identity crisis” comes. <3
Beautiful article. I had the same identity crisis when I had my daughter. It’s hard to see the forest for its trees. To realize that eventually the sleepless nights end, that the lack of “me” time eventually returns, and to get over the “mom guilt” . I used to feel that wanting to take care of myself was selfish. I had N! How could I think of me when she needed me?! I came to realize that moms need time too. We need a moment to do something for us. Because if momma ain’t happy…no one is. All it took for me was a nice hour long shower…no hopping out when the hubby said “N needs you!” . Nope. Now it’s me time…shaves my legs, washed my face..and lathered my hair into a frenzy. Having kids is the hardest most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. But, moms need their time too 😉
This is such a great post. I have a wee one (also Olivia) almost 7 months, and I feel like I’m just starting to navigate this whole new life. For the first 6 months, it was all about her, and like you, we were attached at the boob/pump. I’ve just weaned and suddenly I’m back to my old self. It’s so liberating. I miss breastfeeding, but now I have the freedom to take her out for hours on end, and even let my hubby and mother feed her. Suddenly I’ve found time to do my hair again, get manicures, and even go out with friends or on dates after she’s gone to sleep. It feels so good to have a little piece of myself back.
That is exactly what it is. An orchestration of the chaos. Some people just orchestrate theirs differently. It’s all a beautiful tune 🙂
Thank you, beautiful post and so relatable. There is guilt attached to missing your previous life but you’re absolutely right, you wouldn’t change it for the world! I love what you said and it provides such comfort xoxo
” You can miss and appreciate pieces of your old life while loving every second of the new one at the same time. ”
This made me weep, my daughter is 10 months and I have this conversation with myself often, some days I feel like I “know what I’m doing” and put together and other days I feel frazzled and all over the place. What a juggling act being a mom is.
I do morn the loss of my old life, of my old self but I could not breath without my daughter.
It feels good to know that other mom’s also mourn the loss of there old life, it helps me feel less guilty about feeling this way.
Great post
This could not have come at a better time for me. Now that my little 17 mo. girl has is a toddler and when she is awake we are literally on the go at all times, I often find myself feeling selfish for wishing I sometimes had more time to myself. Don’t get me wrong I love her and spending time with her, but I agree it was nice when I used to be able to work out for however long I wanted or run errands quickly without having to worry about being gone too long, when nap time is, and so on. And we just found out we are preggers with baby #2, so I’m just going to have to get really good at multitasking I suppose 🙂 Just nice to know I am not the only mommy out there who feels that way from time to time.
It is a little wierd transitioning from “do anything anytime I want” to being a mom.
I’m probably in the minority but I don’t miss my old life at all. I never really went to the movies or shopping. Maybe it’s because I’m an old lady at heart…with the exception of Betty White- she puts young people to shame 😉
I think I have a deeper appreciation for life now. I don’t have a large group of people around to watch my child so I can workout, clean, run errands, or go on a date night. That’s okay though, because on the rare occasion when we do have a sitter, we really cherish it. It’s actually better now than before the baby because we don’t know when our next “child free” outing will be so we make the most of our time alone when we get it.
Someway, somehow, everything just works out. And on days when things are chaotic, I just think that ONE DAY I’m actually going to miss this!! Then I just laugh and embrace the crazy!
Gina – you rock. this post came at a perfect time in my life. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I am a mom of an almost 6 month old and while I miss my old life (being able to meet up with friends at the drop of a hat…or plan a trip on a whim), I certainly wouldn’t trade my new life for anything. 🙂
I think this might be your best post ever, Gina. It is so, so true but very authentically written.
I have a 6 month old and can totally related to what you’re saying. It is entirely possible to “mourn” for your past life/free time/washed hair/extra miles run, etc. but love your child more than life itself and not actually want to change places. I don’t think people who aren’t moms (even my husband for as amazing as he is) always get that so people tend to shy away from saying it.
Also – I could not agree more with how important it is to just SAY how hard it is. I have friends that are pregnant now and I try to be as honest with them as possible. Is it amazing? Yes. Is it completely and totally worth it? Yes. Is there nothing else in the world like when your child lays her head on your shoulder? Yes. But IT.IS.HARD. and there is no shame in saying so!!
YES!!! This post almost brought tears to my eyes. I’ve felt this way so many times. I always wonder how the heck so many moms seem to make motherhood look so easy and I feel like I can barely keep my head above water. With work, married life, a small child, ect., things feel hectic often. I’m always rushing around and feel like I’m forgetting something. I love being a mom, yet I’ve felt a pinch of guilt for just wanting to be left alone for 5 minutes or wanting some time to do whatever I want.
Your post made me feel like I’m not the only one who sometimes feels this way. My day feels a little brighter reading this and also the comments other people have wrote.
Love how you always keep it real.
Olivia is beautiful! And you area gREAT mother!!! <3
Thank you thank you thank you for this post. It is coming at such a timely moment for me. I am expecting my first in a few months and am already feeling burdened by some of the same questions/challenges that you addressed today. Thank you for your honesty. I even copied a quote from this post to keep close at hand: “You can miss and appreciate pieces of your old life while loving every second of the new one at the same time.”
So insightful!
I am a long time reader and rarely comment, but I just had to say I was so moved by this post. I am no where near having kids but it’s incredibly refreshing to read from the POV of someone who is being so open and honest. Thank you for your insight and for sharing the wisdom you have gained. This was a wonderful read.
Wow, even though I’m far off from being a mom, this post really tugged at my heart strings. Identity is something so deep rooted in us that a lot of times we don’t know we’re trying to play these different roles. I love that you keep your priorities in order in matter what. You put your family first and you realized you have to put yourself somewhere near the top too, even with a newborn.
You’ve certainly learned to orchestrate the chaos that is life beautifully! Hopefully if and when I have a family of my own one day I can do as well you!
thank you , em <3
xoxo
Okay, so it’s probably a bit strange that I’m commenting on this since I am in no way near momhood, but this article still rang true for me – I have always been one to keep my work, personal, school and active lives separate. I have realized that its just not sustainable to keep all of the pieces that make you who you are separate. I am still learning how to be who I am in all spheres of my life, and not try to keep them in little separate boxes, so it’s great to hear about how others juggle these different areas as well.
Great post 🙂
Thank you for writing this. I feel like you took the words right out of my mouth. It makes me feel like way less of a hot mess to know that so many others have gone through and felt what I felt. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you! This made my day!
What a wonderful, insightful post. Thanks for sharing!
As a mom of 4 teens, I’m on the opposite side of the mom identity crisis. Since I’ve mainly been a mom for the last 18 years (SAHM), my identity has become….MOM….and my other “identities” have become less and less significant. I’m now on the brink of having them leave for college and then be on their own. What will my identity be then? I’m actually a little panicked as I try to determine what my identity will be. On the other hand, I feel like my options are wide open and it’s my chance to concentrate on myself and my passions other than motherhood.
Good luck to you and wish me luck!!
It was great for me to read your post this morning because I’m currently in the thick of it with my 10-week-old daughter. I can definitely relate to how you felt like you might never be able to leave the house again and thinking that all you’re good for is milk! I’m trying to realize that parts of being a mom will get easier eventually and reading this really helped :). I’m looking forward to the days when leaving the house is not a big deal, but am also trying to appreciate the little moments with my daughter now when she’s so young!
My husband and I have just started trying for our first baby- something I’ve wanted for a while now but now it is actually happening my head is full of all kinds of excitement, worries and questions! I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and have recently loved reading all your posts about your pregnancy and new life with Olivia. This particular post was so amazing and reassuring to read- that although there will be tough times, and your life will change irrevocably it’s ok to acknowledge this and talk about it with others. Thank you so much for sharing and good luck with everything !
Thank you so much for this post – it literally brought me to tears (well…this post mixed with a healthy dose of I-just-stopped-breastfeeding hormones)!! I have 7 month old twins and as much as I love them and my new role of mother, it has been much more of a transition than I’d ever imagined it would be, and its STILL so so so hard. I thought by now we’d be in a good groove, but we’re still living day by day. Some days seem easy, but others are still a real struggle. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, and its a big transition for everyone!
ugh, i know those hormones well. hang in there, friend.
and yes, it will get so much easier! just take it day by day and before you know it, you’ll be at their first birthday party wondering how time went so quickly
Thank you for the honesty! No one talks about how there is a grieving process you have to go through once again baby is thrown into the mix. I was totally unprepared for that part of motherhood and ended up seeing a counselor for it. And I had no clue how tough breastfeeding would be! Baby is 9 months now, and life is so much better – but it takes awhile to get there. I still feel like he’s going to be a baby forever….. But we are slowly moving towards semi normalcy.
Thanks so much for the honesty in this post! I’m years away from being a mom but you make me feel so much more prepared for it. As much as you can be for not having had an actual baby anyways!
Such a beautiful well written and funny post. Love it and totally identify! Our baby just turned one too 🙂
Thank you for this incredible post, Gina. I am 30 weeks pregnant and while I have been far from emotional throughout my pregnancy, my 2 major melt downs have been over feeling as though I will never have time for myself again once this baby arrives. And then, I feel guilty for thinking so selfishly… especially since I feel so incredibly blessed to even be pregnant since so many people struggling with fertility would love to be in my position right now. Your post made me feel like my thoughts are normal, and reminded me that having a baby will not always be full of sleepless nights and living by the clock, and it’s okay to want ME time. You also gave me the insight to realize that it is okay to mourn the loss of my old life while still appreciating and enjoying what’s ahead! 🙂
I couldn’t agree with this more. For the first few weeks, I felt like I was never going to leave the couch or be able to sit comfortably (TMI? lol), but every day got better. Now if we could just get him to sleep through the night!
haha aren’t those sits baths mortifying?!
Hi Gina,
I appreciate your very honest post. As a reader, it does look like you have it all together and it’s comforting to know that you go through the same feelings as I have. I have a 2 year old and she is the love of my life. I have definately felt a roller coaster of emotions these past 2 years where I have felt I have lost myself. I teach full time and any free time I want to spend with my husband and baby, so I feel very isolated from my friends.
Because you were very honest, I want to be very honest with you. I read your blog everyday and have a very type A personality. I am constantly comparing myself to you and how fit you are! I have tried very hard for these 2 years to eat very healthy and work out, but still look nowhere near as good as you! So even though I love reading your blog, it is depressing sometimes. : (
that makes me sad to hear! there’s no reason to compare yourself to anyone, especially me. post-baby, my body is very different than it was before but at the same time, i don’t care as much.. i’m just thankful that it helped me carry and deliver little liv. be patient and kind to yourself- sending love to you.
I just found your blog a few weeks ago and have believed you are a perfectly put together mom and I am all over the place. You have a beautiful family and are very blessed!
I am a mom of 3 under age 5 and it gets really crazy and I have all the same feelings you mentioned in your post. I totally mourned my pre-mommy life after having my 1st but now I know my life is much more fulfilling (even without a shower some days;).
Your post made me realize that I am not alone with any of these thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for being real!
you are not alone at all <3
and thank you- i'm a very lucky girl to have my family. sending love to you and yours!
“Sure, I *miss* going to the movies, taking random naps and coming and going however I pleased. Does it mean I want that time back? Absolutely not. You can miss and appreciate pieces of your old life while loving every second of the new one at the same time”
I thought this was really, really important and kudos to you for having the courage to say it! The fear of admitting being a mommy is not perfect, or easy is very similar to the fear people have within marriage – not wanting to say that some days just aren’t great, and some times you just don’t love every little thing that is going on in the relationship even though you DO love the person. When we dont acknowledge these truths, it is so easy to think you are isolated, and that your worries, fears, uncertainties are unnatural somehow.
We all owe it to eachother to recognize imperfections and speak them, so that we don’t perpetuate this sense of “they are all perfect and I am a mess.”
Thanks for this honest post, and empowering post 🙂 !
i loved this so much: We all owe it to eachother to recognize imperfections and speak them, so that we don’t perpetuate this sense of “they are all perfect and I am a mess.”
amen, friend.
This was an amazing post.. It’s not easy being so honest but its so appreciated.
<3
Thanks so much for this post! I’m a very new mom–my son is only two weeks old–and I’m already struggling with many of the feelings you wrote about. I wasn’t sleeping well at the end of my pregnancy and now I’m barely sleeping at all, and I find myself worrying that sleep will never come! Sometimes I just want the evening to myself to catch up on blogs and read magazines. And then I feel immensely guilty… I love my son more than the world and wouldn’t go back to my life without him for anything! Glad to hear it gets better with time.
it will- hang in there! i seriously thought i’d never read a magazine again. tom brought me a stack home from walgreens one night (liv was like 3 days old) and i wept because i wouldn’t have time to read them. sleep deprivation and hormones are no joke.
As a new mom, it definitely helped to talk to fellow friends who were already moms. There are also some helpful blogs out there written by moms that focus more on substance than superficial things.