Calming my fears
While I was pregnant, I tried to keep my worries and stresses to a minimum, because I knew that everything I felt, Liv could feel, too. I wanted her to feel happy and safe, so even when things came up, I did what a could to take deep breaths and take action without getting too upset. As someone who has always been dramatic, marrying Tom helped me chill out. As someone who has faced true danger, he’s helped me realize that everyday things aren’t worth getting upset about, so I did what I could to keep my anxieties and stresses away from the womb.
Something that I couldn’t help but wonder/worry about?
Delivery day.
Every time I would drive past the hospital where I knew she’d be born, a wave of excitement and nervousness would wash over me.
I’d pray that she would be healthy and that the three of us would come home safely. That’s the number one reason I cried all the way home from the hospital.. because I was so happy and thankful that it actually worked out that way.
As a first-time mom, I had NO idea what to expect. On top of obviously never giving birth, I’d also never been in the room during a birth. All I knew were clips from the videos we had to watch in Bradley class, the births I watched on YouTube out of curiosity when we were first trying and the horrifying scenes from movies and TV. As Livi continued to grow and get bigger, reality hit that there was one way out. It scared the bejeezus out of me.
Some of the things I was worried about:
-The pain. I’ve always been a giant chicken.
-Not knowing how it was going to go. Of course, a healthy family of 3 (4 counting Bell!) was the goal, but I couldn’t help but wonder about the possible schedule of events. So many different things could happen to bring us to the end result, which would hopefully be the same no matter what.
-Not knowing when. Towards the end, everyday I would wonder if that would be the day we’d be heading to the hospital. When my due date passed, I was wondering if I’d end up being induced (but getting my membranes stripped started the party).
I’ve heard that you don’t remember everything about delivery day, which I thought would never happen, but I’m so grateful I wrote everything down. Even 5 months later, some parts seem like a blur, but others are so vivid. I remember Tom coaching me and telling me to breathe, Tricia putting the warm compresses on my back, Tom coming back with the video of my family cheering, which I needed more than anything at that moment.
I remember being hunched over the ball, seriously thinking I was dying, and then during the pushing stage, thinking “this is actually going to end. We’re at the end! I finally get to meet our baby” and then pushing Liv out without a contraction because the midwife said we needed to get her out as fast as possible (the cord was tightly wrapped around her neck). Above all, I’ll never forget how slimy and amazing she felt when they put her on my chest.
While I definitely had worries, doubts and stresses, some of the things that helped me with these during my pregnancy were:
-taking Bradley classes. I am so glad we had the experience, had an incredible instructor and that Tom arranged it so that he could make it to almost every class. Bradley tells you what you might expect for each stage of labor, and options for all of the possible scenarios that can take place. It also taught me how to “moo” like a cow through contractions, which I actually did end up using 😉
-reading. Whenever I want to learn more about something, I read as much as possible. I especially loved “Ina May’s Natural Guide to Childbirth” and “Your Best Birth.”
-talking to people about it. A lot of my close friends have kids, so it was really helpful to hear their real-life delivery stories. My friend Jeni had a similar birth experience, so I was thankful that I had heard all about what she went through.
-touring the hospital. I liked being able to envision the delivery room and have an idea of what to expect as far as monitoring and procedure goes. We were fortunate to have a very clean and well-equipped birthing suite (with a tub and Transformer bed), fantastic nurses (one who held the fetal monitor on my belly while I was on my hands and knees on the floor for 30 minutes) and a baby-friendly facility that didn’t take Liv from our side the entire time we were there. Her testing and initial bath were done in our room.
-one of the things I was extremely worried about was not seeing the end of everything. I know it’s morbid, but a lot of thoughts cross your mind when you’re thinking of all the “what-ifs.” Tom and I actually had a long talk about it, and he promised me that it wouldn’t happen, but in the case that something went horribly wrong, what his plan would be to take care of things. It’s really weird, I know, but having the conversation made me feel a lot better. (and moms-to-be, please don’t let my ridiculousness freak you out. We’re lucky to live in a place and time with so many options to help mamas and babies.)
While my next birth experience (down the line- not anytime soonish) will be totally different, I think it will be nice to at least have an idea of what labor feels like and not have such a fear surrounding the “birth day.”
Mamas out there, what helped you stay calm during your pregnancy? I wish I would have done more prenatal yoga, but I just couldn’t get into it. I’ve heard a lot of good things about the “Panic-free Pregnancy” which I didn’t end up reading, but it probably would have helped. Friends sans kids, how do you help yourself deal with nervousness or stress?
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I just gave birth for the first time on the 14th and reading this post is like you were reading my mind! I felt the same way up until delivery, constantly wondering and worrying. We also took Bradley classes and tried to prepare as much as possible. Truly, nothing can prepare you for child birth. It was the both the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life.
I’m also a total pain chicken. In fact, I didn’t want to have children just because of the possibility of having an epesiotomy. I wanted to have a natural water birth, but about 18 hours in, it became clear that lil man just wasn’t cooperating, and at hour 22 I had to make a decision to either have a c-section or try forceps with the possibility that I’d get a C-section anyway. I remember being prepped for surgery and feeling SO scared out of my mind, but also so determined. I would do ANYTHING to make sure my baby arrived safely. I’ve never felt determination like that before, and I think it was just the beginning of the craziness that is being a mom. Everything else becomes secondary to your baby’s safety. Just thinking of finally meeting my baby boy calmed me enough to be able to “get through” the bad stuff. And now he’s here and he’s perfect, so it all works out 🙂
And… I’m already wanting another. So… 🙂
Thank you for this post. 🙂 My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we’re in the talks of having children. I’m a little nervous about it all (even though I’m not even CLOSE to becoming pregnant), so these tips were really helpful. I tend to stress out easily, and I want to be as calm (read: sane!) as possible before starting a family.
Exercise helps me stay calm!! Even just a stretching session before bed feels great! It doesn’t have to be an 8 mile run- those help too though 🙂
We don’t have kids and I’m not sure it will ever happen for us, so I’ll just answer about the nervousness/ stress part. When it comes to being nervous or being stressed out, I try to focus on what I can control about the situation. Beyond that I try to go with the flow. If it is a test/ public speaking/ major life event, I remind myself that I have prepped as much as possible and that whatever happens at that point is out of my hands. Taking deep breaths and vino also helps. 😉
vino def helps 🙂 definitely missed that while preg!
What do you plan to do differently next time, Gina? I’m curious since you said your next labor experience will be totally different. Do you just mean because it will be its own unique experience, or will you change the way you approached some aspect(s) of your labor? Thanks for sharing your story with all of us 🙂
i just meant that it will be its own experience. i’ll probably approach it the same way, but next time i’ll have a better idea at least of what it feels like
for me it was honestly my faith and prayer that helped keep me grounded. after having a miscarriage only a few months before conceiving Weston i was seriously terrified for the first 6 months of my pregnancy with him. it’s time that i’ll never get back, but i’m so glad that i was able to enjoy the last few months of being pregnant with him. one thing that a good friend of mine told me was this: “whatever is going to happen was decided at conception.” it allowed me to focus on the fact that each day was a gift, and that i have no control over what would happen!
and now? now i have the cutest little boy in the world and could not be happier as a new mama 🙂
Thanks so much for this post. I’m 23 weeks pregnant with my first child, and I definitely have my fears! I am glad to know that the parts of the day will be a blur and the things that helped to keep you calm. 🙂
This post came at a perfect time for me! Im newly pregnant (I messages you a while ago about infertility and the books you recommended were awesome) and always felt confident about this whole process. Last weekend I was at cirque du soilel and sat next to a woman who I thought would go into labor with the noises of the show! The anxiety that struck me then was crazy!
I know we’re all human, but you seem do brave sometimes I idolize your strength with your pregnancy and everything you do. Of course you also worried lol! Who wouldn’t be?
Anyways, thank you for the I inspiration you provide. You’re beautiful, Liv is so gorgeous! I show my husband lots of pictures of her and he always comments on her beautiful eyes.
I’m done being cheesy now ;-).
Have a great night!!
Sorry about the iPhone typos there!
I read….alot! So nothing was really unexpected during my delivery. It was actually Paul who was more freaked out and stressed. In hindsight I should have prepped him a bit more/made him read more books. I also think a doula might have helped as well because P definitely froze during the whole labour process, and I truly think that I ended up with an epidural because I didn’t really have a coach. Next time = doula for sure! Already have a couple of names, hehe!
Pregnancy was pretty smooth for me. I had a great OB, so I wasn’t too concerned about much there. I think towards the end I just chilled for about a week. I worked up until my due date, but Max was late – so I had a good 14 days where I literally watched nothing but ER and Grey’s Anatomy. I would also say that it is probably NOT a good idea to watch episodes involved death during labour……
Funny story…. My due date was August 30th & I was home reading your latest family post with not even a twinge of a contraction. I had seen my doctor that morning & she said if I didn’t go into labor within the week she would induce me. She even scheduled it! Anyhow, that particular family post included the trailer for “The Business of Being Born”. I started doing all kinds of Google searches & reading all kinds of info on the link between inducing / c-sections. Of course totally freaking myself out since I hoped for a natural labor/delivery. I kept texting my husband random facts & made him watch the trailer when he came home for lunch. He finally (as gently as possible) requested that I stay off the internet until the baby came to which my pregnancy hormones led me to ask him why he was being hurtful & question his loyalties! LOL! I did end up being induced but our sweet Olivia was born without any other intervention.
I am so glad you wrote this! I am 30 weeks pregnant and thoughts of the birth have started to.cross my mind much more frequently! I also read Ina May’s book and think it really has given me lots of good insight! Thank you for sharing all of your experiences with us!!
As someone who is (hopefully!) about 6 weeks away from this experience, I am so glad to read I’m not the only one with fears and anxieties. Bradley classes have helped tremendously, and I’m happy to hear they made a difference or you guys in the end, too. I need to go back and read Liv’s birth story now that I know a bit more about the process!
What fun timing – I’ve been reading the Bradley book this afternoon 🙂
I actually am not worried…..and that worries me!!! I know everyone says things WILL go wrong, but I’m just so optimistic right now that I’m not really thinking about them. I don’t want to pick the wrong thing to worry about per se, so I’ll just have to see what does go wrong and then worry at the time! Does that make sense!?
I think that is a great attitude, Kath!!
I love love loved my hypnobabies cd’s. NOt only did they make the end of pregnancy more enjoyable but I really think they helped me go without drugs despite being induced.
Isn’t it so weird how so much from labor/delivery/those early days feels so blurry. I was just saying to my husband the other night how now that we are 9 months in to this whole parenting process, it feels like a distant memory all those nightly wake ups and being able to set her down and knowing she wouldn’t go anywhere. Although I know it isn’t for everyone, I ended up getting an epidural in order to preserve some energy for when I needed to push. It really helped me to calm and center my focus and made my delivery go much much more smoothly.
Great post and yes, writing down the birth story and events of the day is so important b/c you think you’ll never forget it, but…you do. Lack of sleep, nature’s way of just helping us forget physical pain as time passes, and just time passing in general. Certain parts of my birth story are clear as day but others, well, a bit on the fuzzy side 🙂
What helped me stay calm was having a yoga mentality and attitude about the whole thing; breathe in, breathe out, trust in the process. Know I’ve done what I can and offer it up to the Universe (or God) or a higher power and trust that all will be well. Repeat that in my head over and over. Worked for me 🙂
Honestly, I worried mostly about the birth with my child, the pain and recovery etc.. I didn’t worry too much about the baby or I. I think I was a little naive about what could actually happen. I feel so blessed to have had a healthy pregnancy start to finish and now a healthy 9 month old. I think might be more anxious next time knowing that there is a lot that can go wrong. I am not a pessimistic person I just think a lot of people take healthy babies and pregnancies for granted.. It truly is a miracle. 🙂
I don’t remember a whole bunch about my daughters b-day I do remember her saying how much she looked like my brother in law tho (She has a dimples like him) ! Which prob made the doctors and nurses wonder lol
me saying*
One of the things that I always tell myself to calm down is that if it is out of your control it is out of your control so no need to worry. If it is in your control you can control it so no need to worry. Kinda silly but it helps me. So much of the pregnancy/ birthing experience can be out of your control and that is ok, just go with the flow. However, in saying that read and research and ask questions so you know what is going on and why. If you aren’t happy speak up. I didnt like my first OBGYN at all. Everyone said I was being dramatic- I’m not really a dramatic person. I went with my gut and changed drs. Best decision ever. My new dr was brilliant! And immediately found I was pregnant with twins! I had had 2 ultrasounds with the previous dr and he missed twins!!! Having twins was obviously completely out of my control and put me at high risk. I focused on the things I could do to have the best outcome for my girls- eating well, resting, exercise etc. and I trusted my Dr. So if anything had gone wrong at least I had done the best I possibly could. That being said I was still really nervous and worried the whole time! And I still do worry!!!
Working out during pregnancy helped me to stay sane for sure! Its amazing how many things there are to worry about. I find myself worrying about so much more now that I have a baby than I did when I was pregnant. Working out just releases so much tension and stress. I also just like to remember that worry isn’t constructive and fear makes situations seem so much scarier than they really are.
I worked out religiously while pregnant and had in my mind how I wanted my delivery to go. I wanted a natural birth and was also so worried about the pain. I labored at home for 17 hours of hard labor. I was over 5 cm at the hospital so I was hoping the rest would be quick. Wrong! I was SO tired by this point. I needed an epidural ASAP so I could rest just a little. Even during birth I was still so incredibly sleepy. His heart rate dropped and didn’t come back up and he was RIGHT THERE. They had to vaccume him out and I didn’t get to hold him because he went immediately to be checked. I was a wreck. Then I later found out that him coming out so fast broke my pelvic bone- glad I had the epidural! Definitely not my ideal birth experience but I have a healthy baby boy so really I guess it went perfectly! 🙂
My calmness was my husband. I don’t know how I would of gotten through it without him because our families couldn’t be there.
I was a worrier during pregnancy, but talking to friends, making myself educated all helped, writing down questions too. I actually don’t even remember what I worried about. I’m still a worrier and it keeps me up at night when I should be sleeping because the baby is sleeping! I think motherhood is all about worrying.
I read everything! Any time I had a question or felt a funny twinge (which is constantly when you’re pregnant haha)I whipped out my phone and googled away. Sometimes it made things worse but usually it was pretty reassuring. Now that I’m doing the two week wait again trying to conceive #2 I’m finding myself doing the exact same thing except now I’m just driving myself insane. Exercising and staying active is definitely another way I keep myself calm and together.
what a great post! thanks for giving us a glimpse into what your big day was like!
I really try to be positive and not to get nervous from day to day little things, I don’t have any kids, but we plan on getting pregnant very soon 🙂 and this makes me nervous, since my family is in Europe and I am in NY, I am really afraid who will help me with the baby and other things, but I try to avoid these thoughts as of now!
I also agree that worries for yourself pretty much disappear whenever your child is involved. I think I said”whatever is best for baby” about a gazillion times during my 3 days of labor.
Breathing is the biggest for me. I find myself holding my breath when I’m stressed or anxious or tense (so weird! or maybe it’s normal?), so I try to say to myself “breathe!” and it’s amazing what a little breathing will do. And getting some fresh air and movement, usually just a walk, maybe listening to my ipod for some pop tunes. Inevitably, a walk, fresh air, and simply breathing will help me feel more “connected” to myself (i.e. mind to body) and everything else and help calm down my mind. Gina – if I ever decide I want to have kids, I’m going to read all of your blog entries on babies and parenting – there’s so many wonderful tips and great insight in there!
Lovely post, Gina! I’m a total control freak (and found myself nodding in agreement with your description of yourself pre-Livi), so I have a feeling motherhood’ll mellow me out down the road also. Although, I could definitely use some “mellowing” now. Prayer + going Adoration and Mass have been big ones for me these past few months. I usually try to take it to God. ‘Course, I usually fall apart + burst into tears first. 😉 Heh. I’m trying to remind myself to take deep, calming yoga breaths when something comes up. Key word: TRYING!
Your family is so adorable!
Being as informed as possible helped me stay calm. True…I did read about all the horrible “what-ifs” but I’d rather not have any surprises. Super control freak virgo? Maybe. 😉 It all worked out though and I probably cried about 15 times the day we brought Tripp home because I was so happy. I was actually a little sad to leave my fan-freaking-tastic nurses at the hospital. Is it weird to be besties with someone that’s been checking down *there* for a few days? Haha.
I thought childbirth was an incredible experience and one that I can’t believe I went through! I was so scared about the pain factor but in hindsight, it’s very doable (in most cases) and thankfully starts out light and works it way up! I am having my 2nd child soon and I’n actually excited about going through labor again.
One thing I think it is important to mention is honoring your birth story. I think women need to discuss labor, good and bad. I think it helps us heal and make sense of what happened. Too often I hear women who had scary/bad labor stories get shut down quickly and someone always says “well at least you have a baby!”. I make it a point of asking women about their story and ask them to share if they want to and then truly listen. Sometimes they had a baby a few months ago or sometimes years ago. I asked an 76 yr old neighbor of mine after my 1 one year old was born and she cried – she never got a chance to talk about her day and make sense of it all! On the flip side, women who have had wonderful experiences want to relive the feel-good parts of the day too. Random addition to your list but something that has totally been part of having a child for me since it is such a transformative moment.
My husband and I just attended birthing class over this past weekend. I have to say I’m less anxious about labor than I was before class. I workout almost every day, including at least one day of pre-natal yoga, I do pelvic tilts and kegels multiple times a day, eating healthy, drinking plenty of water and all that good stuff- while I hope these things help me I’m sure nothing can truly prepare a woman for the first labor and delivery expirence. Prior to pregnancy ways to keep me calm would include throwing a few round of punches on the bag, going for a run or enjoying some wine. Now that I am pregnant, when I get worked up I take some deep breaths, focus on the little bambino and remember that his/her health & development is my top priority.
I don’t have kids yet, but to keep me calm these days I do lots of deep breathing and also work on my thoughts. Like, figure out what thought is stressing me out and figuring out how I can change it.
I imagine when I’m pregnant, though, I’ll have many of the concerns you did, and it will be a whole new ball of wax.
I’m currently 30 weeks along with my first, so I don’t know yet how my birthing experience will be. For some reason though I am not very worried about it. My husband & I are currently taking a hypnobabies birthing class & they do so much to assure & empower pregnant couples. I love the hypno-cds & doing hypnosis on a daily basis along with the exercises (kegels, squats, pelvic tilts, etc) as well as swimming, walking, etc for excercise & eating healthy makes me feel like I’m doing everything I can do to prepare for my best birth. I feel so confident in my body, & I am working quite hard to not allow any negative stories or “what ifs” be spoken to me. I do believe that every woman should be given permission to tell her birth story, but for me right now is not the time to hear anything but the positives so that my mind is only focused on success.
I guess I’m lucky enough to not be a worrier. I just think that worrying doesn’t change anything so I try not to waste my energy on it. My pregnancy was “perfect” and very relaxed. I felt great the whole time and never had anything to worry about. I was too excitied and anxious to really think about worrying. However – the day came and I should have been worried… we ended up needing an emergency c-section and both baby and I are very lucky to be here today.
Thank you for sharing all this Gina! What keeps (and kept) me calm before and during labor was my faith and knowing i was doing everything i could to ‘help’ me along – working out and yoga definitley played a HUGE role in how my labor went. Every single one of the nurses commented on how being in shape makes such a difference. I am not trying to brag, just reiterate that it helps to keep up the physical activity as best you can – the payoff is big:=
I didn’t worry much. Probably because I knew I’d be getting an epidural.
It was after she was out that I learned what worry really is! lol
I really wanted to thank you for all the posts you’ve done regarding the pregnancy – before, during and after. After two years of TTC, we have just found out that I am pregnant. yay Your posts have given me a good idea of what I can do and shouldn’t do. I live overseas and am not fluent in the language here, so talking to other women isn’t as easy. Not to mention, they have different ideas about these type of things. While there are many great books out there, your posts come from a real life perspective. Your openness has been incredibly helpful.
You have a lovely family! Little Livi is a doll. Her bright smile shows how much love is in your house!
Oh my gosh, that picture of your family cheering you on brings tears to my eyes! I remember you posting shortly after you had Liv, and I get the same mushy gushy emotional feeling whenever I see it! So awesome. You’re a great mother and I love reading your stories. 🙂
xo – Kat
thank you, kat! it’s one of my favorite pics- i’m a lucky girl to have such an awesome family
Are you seriously saying that second time would be easier for you because you know what it looks like!!?? When I was pregnant I didn’t worry(much) beacuse I didn’t know what is labour! I mean I worried but now I’d be totally freaked out if I had to do it again!! Because now I can’t lie anymore to myself saying-it shouldn’t be to bad, or it can’t hurt that much….I think I’d be scared now much much more….But it definitelly is worth it in the end,and funny thing is while couple of months ago I was saying I’ll never have another baby(mine is 15 months now), allready I’m saying -maybe,once…(huge difference) How long would you want to wiat for your another pregnancy? A lot of mums nowadays tell me to hurry up with another one,cause they say if u make too much of a pause it’ll be hard to adjust again on not-sleeping,diapers,strollers…al the joys:)) What do you think?
Marinka
i don’t think the event itself will be easier, but i’m glad i’ll know what to expect (kinda) last time. i feel like the first time, i was going in completely blindfolded
i think we’ll wait a while before having another, if it works out that way. we’d like 3 years difference or so, because then when liv goes off to preschool, i’ll have alone time with the baby.
xoxo
great post! im 31 weeks pregnant and it kinda just recently hit me that she’s coming soon!!! im so so excited but also totally terrified..i think for the same reasons you listed-just not really knowing what it will feel like, not knowing what will happen, etc. a lot of unknowns. i know it’ll be fine-lots of people give birth, but it’s scary!
I have four kids under 8. I frequently change my kids/babies in the car. Much cleaner than even changing tables in the nicest of restaurants and especially cleaner than sitting on a bathroom floor!:) Good luck!