Time for time out
You know that post-vacation slump? It came to our house with a vengeance after our amazing Disneyland trip. I’m not sure if Liv was just sad that we couldn’t go to “Minnie Mouse House” anymore, or if the “twos” are really here, but we started “time out” last week.
I’m not sure if time out is something that my parents really used. When I was older, I was grounded and had things taken away (after locking my door too many times it was taken off the hinges when I was in middle school. At the time I was furious, but looking back it’s kind of hilarious), but I can’t really remember what they did when we were having a meltdown and I was itty bitty. Anyway, for Liv it’s “time out.”
When you think of time out, you might picture a certain place where the kid has to go and remain for a specified amount of time. They could have “time out” in a corner, or like when I was in daycare, a certain chair. For Liv, it’s a little different. It’s not just one place -we can have a time out anywhere in the house- and it’s not for a specific amount of time. It’s also something that we do together.
“Time out” is exactly that: time out from everything else. Whatever activity we’re doing freezes, I tell her I think she needs to take a time out, and we head to a quiet place (like her tiny dining set or the couch) together. I sit with her, hold her if she’s crying, and tell her we’re going to stay in time out until she can relax and be calm. I’ll also use this time to acknowledge her feelings (why she’s frustrated or upset), and why we need to do things a certain way. (“I know you’re sad that I won’t let you go up the stairs by yourself, but mama needs to be with you in case you lose your balance and start to fall.”)
So far for us, time out has been needed when Liv has been throwing tantrums. To my surprise for now, she calms down quickly and it’s been working. (Knock.on.wood.) It only takes about 30 seconds before Liv is calm and ready to resume life sans shrieking.
She’s always been an independent little lady, but now she wants to do everything by herself. She freaks out when I try to dress her because she wants to do it herself, so it often begins with me trying to dress her, she turns into a baby statue, screams and says, “No no no! I do it” so I hand her the clothes, let her have some time to try and figure it out, ask if she wants help, and it ends with Liv extremely frustrated that she can’t quite get it yet. And then there’s the screaming like she’s on fire. Good times, haha. So we have a time out and then she lets me help her get dressed. Or if we have nowhere we need to be, she hangs out in her diaper trying to put her clothes on until she’s ready to let me help her.
Is anyone else venturing into a similar time with their kiddos? Any words of advice or things that worked with you? I also think it’s worth mentioning that I kind of loathe the phrase “terrible twos.” I think it’s negative and while Liv is definitely older now, she’s probably frustrated at being small and trying to learn so much. I try to show her patience, love and kindness as she’s learning, which I hope in turn will help her to deal with her emotions and frustrations.
As far as the “terrible twos” go, word on the street is that the f*cking fours are even more fun than the twos. Lots to look forward to 🙂
xoxo
Gina
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I like that you use time out not as a punishment, but as just that “time out”. I think time outs can be really unconstructive because children often don understand why they’re in trouble. I’m all about touchy feely stuff, so I love that you help Liv acknowledge her feelings. Because I happen to agree that a tantrums probably stem from frustration. Poor Liv! Even at 22 I still have trouble dressing myself sometimes, lol. The struggle never ends. Good luck!
haha that’s so true!
Sounds crazy, but this post has only made me more excited for my little boy to get here 🙂
I’ve got one entering the ‘fours’ next week, an let me tell you- you think 2’s are bad? Just wait till 3. O.M.G. I am hoping he chills out at 4 🙂
I’m so sorry to say, this is absolutely true. My older daughter at 3? Nightmare city. And she was a calm, easygoing baby! Yikes. (Caveat – she did have a newborn baby sister at the time she turned 3).
i think that definitely could have something to do with it. my brother was born when i was 4 and my mom swore i wouldn’t make it to my 5th birthday haha
I have a 10 month old son who is also very independent, which I encourage. I love your ‘time out’and think I’ll use it when the time comes.
This former early childhood educator thinks you are doing a great job! Way to be patient, firm, kind, and loving toward your girl. My son just turned one this month, so I am definitely going to file this away for when we start to have those first tantrums! Seriously, thanks so much for sharing your experience!
Interesting approach. My parents used time outs with me and it was always more of a “go to your room until I say you can come out” and it usually went on with me screaming the whole time until my mom or dad came in and more often than not some kind of spanking would happen. Nothing was really solved. I would go from flaming mad to slightly mad and not really go back to normal. I kind of wish my parents did things this way with me, but at the same time, I am 18 now and I turned out good so there must have been something good in that method!
Time out works!!! We do it a little differently, but sounds like what you’re doing is working great so far! I have a (very stubborn and strong-willed) 3.5 year old. She goes through so many phases. Sometimes I think oh wow she’s so easy right now. Then everything seems to blow up and we have to switch things up discipline-wise. Right now, time out isn’t working quite as well so we’ve been taking away privileges (like she loses her favorite toy for a few minutes, etc). I’ve heard people say that you can’t reason with a toddler/2-ye old, etc. I think it probably depends on the kid but with my child, explaining why we we had to sit in a carseat, why we have to brush our teeth, etc, has worked from the time she was barely two.
Every age has its positives and not-so-positives. We’re trying to focus in the positives and figure our how to deal with the rest. Not so easy!!! Anyway, thanks for being so open. I love this family page.
Hi Gina,
I think you are doing time-outs perfectly!!! A lot of people have negative feelings towards “time-outs” but you are putting such a good positive spin on it. We all need breaks sometimes. I work with children with special needs and we will use the words “a break” instead of time-outs.
For Liv’s independence seeking behaviors, maybe you can provide her with choice. You can have her pick out her outfits, offer her the option between two different shirts, pants, or dresses, etc. and then tell her you are going to get dressed together. Showing her how to put clothes on can be pretty easy, hand over hand for now and then she can get used to the motor behaviors.
Thanks for sharing all your family updates it makes me excited to start my own family!
We’ve always done “bottle and bed” when Squish starts being “irrational”. Usually if it’s a hunger- or sleep-induced fit, one or the other will fix the problem and calm him down. He’s also very “let me do it” as we’ll, and wants to do EVERYTHING with us. Fine if I’m cooking dinner and he can “help” sort out the measuring cups, bad when I’m on the computer trying to work. I feel for him when he’s frustrated, though; it’s not easy being little!
It’s definitely easier doing “good parenting” when you’re not on a time constraint trying to go somewhere, though. I still don’t know how to handle it when he’s pitching a fit because HE wants to put his own shoes on, but we are late and need it done now!
I like the fact that you actually sit with Liv in “time out” that seems a lot more productive and less condescending. Its shows you are there for her and you care, not that your are so mad you can be near her.
I’m totally stealing this idea for when I have kids someday!
We pretty much do the exact same thing. I am convinced the twos are actually from 18 months – 2 1/2 after watching my sister’s and friend’s kids. My mom was an intervention specialist for YEARS and always said that how long “time out” lasts is equivalent to the child’s age … so 1 year old = 1 minute. I think that will be handy as Em gets bigger.
But seriously. The shrieks. I cringe. It’s mostly when Emmalyne gets frustrated and can’t fully articulate WHY she is frustrated that it starts. Luckily with some redirection we can normally stop it. It’s when it continues that we go to “time out”.
I’ve been planning the same approach with Baylie (1yr). She has been throwing tantrums since she was about 9mo (she is very strong-willed and independent…VERY). I particularly appreciate the acknowledgement of their feelings. I remember that my mom took a similar approach with me as a child. Rather than smacking me around (read: spanking), she waited patiently (and sternly) until I calmed down, then talked to me rationally about my feelings, her feelings, what happened and helped me understand the consequences of the situation had she not intervened. I feel it helps establish a level of respect between parent and child.
As far as how to control Baylie’s tantrums NOW…I don’t quite know how to get her to understand “time out”–I just try and keep my cool and hold firm to my decision until she calms down. I’m bookmarking this baby so I can learn from everyone else’s responses!!
I have a 22 month son, and he has tantrums like crazy. The only thing that works at this age and younger is redirection. Alphamom has some fantastic articles on this topic. I highly recommend her website! I read it all the time for advice on how to deal with each age.
I love how you are treating time outs and how firm you are being! Great job! She seems to be learning quickly as well from it!
I once read somewhere that the woman who first wrote about the “terrible twos” and used those words really regrets it. My son was a fantastic two year old but WHOA BOY, he was a terrific three year old ;). Love your use of time out. We used “take a break” in a similar fashion.
Ahaha, I totally had my door taken off the hinges in jr. high too! I thought my parents were CRAZY at the time, but you’re at least the second other person who had it happen too…
My sister had this done MANY times – I learned from her mistakes. 😉
While I don’t have kids of my own (only a few weeks and counting until I meet my baby girls!!!), I think I will handle things pretty similarly to how you’re doing it. My mom watches my niece every day, and she does the corner with her. It only lasts as long as it takes for Aubrey to calm down (maybe 30 seconds) and then my mom goes and talks to her about why she was feeling the way she was and what she could do next time to make it better and not throw a fit. I think it’s good she’s giving her her own space to calm down before she starts talking to her, otherwise dealing with a still crying and tantum’y child could be difficult! Lol
I do something similar with my 15 month old. If he’s freaking out because he’s frustrated, we sit together and chill out, but if he’s been biting or hitting, I sit him on the step by himself and tell him we can’t be together if he’s being aggressive. Then I just go to the other side of the room. I don’t want to actually leave him and cause him to feel abandoned, but I want him to know that he doesn’t get to be held by me if he’s hurting me.
Don’t worry.. For my girl the “terrible twos” started before she was 2 and ended before she was 3. She’s so much better and easy to handle now that she’s not having tantrums and throwing herself around. I always used to give her a nap or a quiet time in her room alone if she started to be bad.
Our kiddies are about the same age – and we are in tantrum city most days, but only for short amounts of time. We do a very similar thing – if Max freaks out it is all about calming and having a safe spot (he launched himself into the couch at his dayhome the other day and gave himself an owwie) and waiting to calm down. We do not give into his tantrum though and wait for him to calm a bit before moving on. He loves to steal my glasses every single time too ahh
Max has become very independent too – I brought him to track practice tonight and he was all about being like the athletes and doing squats/running with them – but he kinda gets in the way. He wanted to explore around the track (waving and saying Bye Mama!), but that isn’t the place for exploring so he would get frustrated.
oh man, my mom totally took my door off several times in high school, after hearing about it on the dr. laura show. i was so pissed!
Excellent approach to time out. It is best used as a time for the child to calm down and get control and decide on her own when to come back. Lots of times tantrums happen because young children don’t have the words yet to express their frustration. I would recommend that you model lots of words for her that she can use when she is frustrated or upset. Any time you have time, try to let her take the time to be independent– establishing independence is totally developmentally appropriate at her age. Let her have that independence in ways that are safe and appropriate.
I’m a big fan of Jillian Michaels and she’s talked before about having a designated area for tantrums (hers is just a blanket that they call “the tantrum mat”) and when her daughter gets upset and starts to throw a fit, she’s instructed to the tantrum mat to let it all out. I’ll be dealing with a toddler in a few years and I’m planning on using the same technique when he’s that age – I think it’s genius! It seems like it would validate their feelings but still makes them understand that there’s a time and a place for venting that frustration. And to be totally honest, I’ve used my pillow as a “tantrum mat” since hearing that advice and I felt ridiculous…but surprisingly less frustrated afterwards!! 🙂
Cheers to you parents of toddlers, I salute you. I just wanted to say that this post reminded me of this hilarious tumblr that’s going around; “Reasons my Son is Crying” http://reasonsmysoniscrying.tumblr.com/ in case you hadn’t seen it 🙂
“A baby statue” haha…You are an amazing mom from what I can see and read. My timeout memories almost always resulted in me taking a nap. Either way, it works. 🙂
I always explain that a time out will happen if X behavior doesn’t immediately stop. Now that B is older sometimes she does actually make the right decision and stops. Also, for the times when she is so upset and crying uncontrollably, taking a few huge, noisy, deep breaths while holding her close calms her right down.
Developmental psychologist and former nanny here. Don’t worry too much about 4s- they are my absolute favourite age. So much fun! Lots of curiosity and independence so you can really enjoy activities like museums together.
This is an absolutely brilliant book that I recommend regularly http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
Try checking out janetlansbury.com. She has a ton of great parenting resources!
i will- thank yoU!
I feel the same way about the phrase “Terrible Twos!” Glad to know I’m not alone 🙂
We started implementing time outs right around Liv’s age when our son began throwing tantrums and refusing to do things. Like you we don’t have a specified area but just have him sit quietly in one spot for a few minutes. I like the idea of sitting with them to discuss their feelings. We’ve definitely been working on communicating more about how we are feeling and why. Luckily, he quit throwing tantrums like he was a few months back and has gotten better at listening. As much as we try not to threaten with time outs, sometimes just mentioning it gets him to do what we are asking. It’s so funny how similar my son is as far as independent and head strong! Good luck!
I never really used time out with my daughter.She was like Liv she wanted to dress herself,and I let her on most days.I always just used a firm No,,,and if that did not work.I told her she would have to nap,and she hated naps so that usually worked.Liv sounds like she is going to be very independent and very smart.The way you described her sounds just like my daughter.And she is very smart.If she is that smart you will be able to see and notice that you will be able to reason with her.Even at the early age of 2.Good Luck Mama,,,and don’t forget to pray for her!
I think of it more as a “time-in”…because what you are doing is pulling the child in closer to you, talking calmly, keeping your body relaxed and being patient. This is all in an effort to slowly teach, through the years, that no matter what type of behavior they display, you will always be there with them instead of pushing them away…as in old school “time-outs” where a kid is banished to their room.
My parenting bible is ScreamFree Parenting. The author, Hal Runkel, is amazing. He is often on the Today’s show as a special guest to discuss parenting, marriage and relationships. It has been a life changer for me…
Don’t forget about the “threenager” 🙂
I have a 4 year old, a 3 year old and an almost 2 year old and I love time outs. It’s definitely got harder now there are three though. Sometimes they have to be separated to cool off (mostly the eldest two).
Have you seen the ‘calm down jars’ on Pinterest? I’ve thought about making a couple but I’m not sure if they’d just throw them when tempers are flaring.
You’re doing a great job with Liv. I love that you acknowledge her frustration. Tantrums seem to be over so much quicker when they feel they’ve been heard I find.
As a mama of a 7, 6 and 4 year old I can tell you that 3 is by far the worst. It’s the craziest mix of emotions , drama and disobedience. Like you said, they are small and frustrated with where they are at 2. Looking back 2 is delightful.
I once heard a speaker talk about the biggest thing that fuels a kids frustration, it’s our emotions. Draw your boundaries and practice “parental judo”. No matter how riled they get, just remind them gently that you are not giving in to their demand. Once they realize that mom is an immovable (but still loving) mountain the fits have no value.
Our son, who has just recently turned 4 is the most dramatic. It’s best for us just to put him in his time out chair in his room and shut the door. He’s free to come out when he is no longer yelling. He drives me nuts some days but at least this means that only one of us is throwing the fit.
You’ll find a parenting groove that works best for you and her.
I don’t have kids yet, but I love these posts – I can already now learn so much from you! I love that ‘time out’ – it’s like getting back in awareness, for the mom and the child.
That’s so funny, as I was reading your post I was thinking of leaving a comment referencing the f@cking fours and then you mentioned them yourself! As a mum of a 7,4 and 2 yr old, I feel your pain! I’ve got the twos and fours going on simultaneously! I am going grey and the only thing keeping me going is workouts and wine in no particular order! Xxxxx
Gina, have you heard of Love and Logic parenting? There’s probably Love and Logic classes and a seminar on base. We have an amazing nurse here at Travis who teaches the classes and uses the techniques with her 6 kids and grandkids. Look into the educational side of the Family Advocacy Clinic and see if you and pilot can take the seminar. It’s entertaining and makes a lot of sense!
YES to Love & Logic!! So much good stuff there. If nothing else, check out the book. It’s great for reference as your child ages too!
As a Mom of a 14 and 11 year old I’m quickly learning that while the “terrible two’s” and “f*cking fours” had their challenges, it’s peanuts compared to the teenage years! And in NO way am I trying to discredit what Mom’s of young ones are going through….Lord knows there were many times I thought I was going insane during those years….it just seems harder somehow when your kids are much more independent, not to mention bigger than you! LOL
I think your time out strategy is brilliant and WAY more productive than just parking Livi in a chair to scream it out. You’re a great Mom, Gina!
Hey Gina, I have a daughter a few months younger than Liv and I love that mini dining set! Where did you get it?
My daughter is 2 years and 3 months and your story with Liv rings oh-so-true! She is now able to get dressed on her own, but still has tantrum-y moments about other things. I usually say “Ok, you let me know when you’re ready to use your words” and walk away from her. It only took one time for her to now run back to me saying “I use my words! I use my words!” and she calms down and we get through it. For us, the important thing is not engaging the negative behavior.
I’m also a big believer of positive reinforcement. Catch her doing well and tell her you’re proud of her. It sometimes sounds silly, but I’ll say “Great job using your words!” or “I’m so proud of you for holding my hand.” (We’ve been working on not running away in a parking lot, lol!)
It really sounds like you’re doing a great job! I always hear that 3 is actually worse, so I’m holding my breath for that! 🙂
Growing up my mom took a very similar approach with us for “time out”. If we started crying or got upset we were never sent to a corner to figure out our feelings on our own, she would pull us into a quiet place and we would talk about what we did and sort out our feelings. In the end I hope to follow a similar approach with my kids (when the time comes) because I really think it has helped me as I grow older to sort through my feelings and emotional moments, I’m able to feel a sort of calm during the storm and think through, “Okay, why am I feeling this way right now? What happened?”
I love this approach. I am just about 16 weeks with my first and I just pinned this post to remember for when the times comes.
I can’t remember how my parents handled our tantrums when we were little, but we definitely got sent to our rooms when we were older. One thing I love is that if we apologized for whatever we did wrong, we were usually allowed to come out.
We have started to use breaks as well – we don’t call them time outs and I just say we need to sit down and settle down. I read somewhere that “time outs” should only be as long as they are old (1 min for 1 year old, etc.) so I’m doing that. I do let him sit there a bit even if he settles down after 20 seconds because I don’t want him to think he has to just be quiet and we also talk about why he’s upset and how we can make it better. I also am sure to get down to his level so I’m not looking down on him. It sounds like you are doing a great job at handling the tantrums. I have never liked the “terrible twos” phrase either and I hate it when people call toddlers naughty.
Love this idea – especially the fact that you do time out together and use it as a time to acknowledge her feelings. I think that is so important for children! I don’t have any kids yet but will definitely try this method when I do. Love it! I’m curious, do you have any favorite parenting books? Sorry if you’ve already done a post on this and I missed it!
Hold onto your hat cause 3 was the tough age for my daughter. (she’s 10 now and that lends to a bunch of other upcoming tantrums…hello hormones.) My only advice is that every child is different and go with your gut. You know your child better than anyone else, do what feels right to you and what works for your family.
I love your approach to time out. I have a 13 month old so we’re not quite up to needing time outs but when we do I’ll definitely be trying for something like this.
Hi Gina — I have been a long time reader but this is my first comment! I teach preschool special education and just wanted to say that from my perspective your time out strategy is perfect. Acknowledging their feelings and reminding them that your primary goal is keeping them safe is exactly what I was instructed to do in my master’s program, and helps kiddos to understand the purpose of time out or “taking a break”, as I call it in my class, so that they can start to self-regulate their emotions earlier without feeling punished or confused as to why they are being taken away from an activity.
If you’re interested, there is a social-emotional program called “Conscious Discipline” (by Dr. Becky Bailey) that has songs, books, etc. in English and Spanish all about behavior. I learned about it in grad school, have used it in my classroom and many parents I know use it at home with their children too. Anyway I love reading your blog and think you are a wonderful mama!
Rachel
awesome, thank you so much! i’ll definitely check out that program
xoxo
I’m a new reader, had to make my first comment.. That last sentence had me cracking up!! I never heard of the fours referred to as that, but it’s sooooo true!! My daughter just turned 5 and I don’t know if its that she’s starting kindergarten or what that has calmed her down, but 4 was a definite trying age! I think they’re learning some independence and testing every rule and boundary. Good luck! At least you’re honest and know its coming
Wow. This is such a good idea for time outs! I wish I knew this when my daughter was that age. I felt like a teen mom. Got pregnant the same month I turned 20 so almost. lol I was way too young to know what I was doing. I used to force her onto the bed to sit. Which was me holding her there and sometimes yelling was involved. I occasionally spanked too. Spatting the hand or the pull-up when she was 2 or 3. Not so fun and not so nice. My daughter is 12 now and a really an easy kid. If I have to discipline her now it is sitting her down for a chat. I would take things away and ground her if need be but haven’t had to do that yet. Like I said, I have an easy kid.
When I taught pre-k, I had a lot of emotionally disturbed children I worked with. I had a safe place in our room that they stayed in to calm down in. They weren’t in trouble. It was just what it sounds like, a safe place away from the rest of the class. We had large coke bottle that they would turn over and use as a timer until they could calm down. (They loved that) And things from their home that comforted them (photo of mom or caretake they are close to, etc.) This place was also used for just your average kid when they had a melt down as well.
Anyway sorry for writing a novel on your blog! if I ever have any more children in the future, I’ll definitely be trying your time out technique!
I think the phrase “terrible twos” came about simply because this is when they begin to learn some independence and it throws parents for a loop. But I’m guilty of using the phrase. Haha. I read a great article about this age and it put some things into perspective. It mentioned about how these little people are a mere 730 DAYS old (that’s for a 2 year old, so even less in Liv’s case) and yet we expect them to be perfect all the time and know how to deal with all these new emotions. Many adults don’t even know how to do this, and every adult can have a bad day at any time yet many children are still punished for misbehaving simply because they don’t know how to act in a certain situation. It’s our jobs as parents to TEACH our children how to handle their emotions and not punish them for it. Time outs can be a great way to do that if you do it properly. Anyway, the article helped me to remember to keep my cool and have extra patience for the next few years with my kiddos. Sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job. I would say it gets easier, but that’s a lie. 🙂 Just like from the day Liv was born, there’s always a new challenge. But it does get more fun. 🙂