why we’re still going to wait
After a while of carefully guarding my choices of posts and words over here, I’ve started to become more adventurous again. It’s not because I somehow magically stopped caring about what people think, but because I feel like if something is tugging on my heart for that long and is that powerful, it’s worth putting it out there. The type of thing you can’t forget because it’s always on your mind and you want to post about it, know there’s the chance of potential flack (even when the virtual hugs drown out any negativity), so I’m just going to go ahead and say it:
I want another baby more than anything, but I fear it as much as I want it.
It seems to be one of the most commonly-asked questions when people find out you have a baby. “Oh you have a baby?! When are you having another one?”
What I say:
“Ohh, you know, maybe when she’s 3 or so.”
What I’m thinking:
“I want one right now but postpartum anxiety scares the f*ck out of me.”
When Liv was teeny tiny, I wasn’t sure what the rush was about. I’m relatively “young” (whatever that means?), I want to enjoy my amazing daughter for a while, and things are finally in a routine and we’re having so much fun as a little family. I started to feel little inklings of baby fever within the past couple of months and lately the urge has been strong. As much as we want it, we’re still going to stick with our original plan and wait a while.
I’m not scared of the pregnancy; I loved every second of being pregnant,
I’m not scared of the actual birth; the pain was INTENSE, but then it was over, and we got to finally meet our baby girl,
I’m not even scared of the dark sadness of sleepless nights and constant feedings and/or pumpings; I know what to expect.
The postpartum hormones? Another ballgame entirely.
Quite a few of my friends who also experienced postpartum anxiety told me that it was SO much better the second time around. The hormones weren’t as awful, they still had some anxious spells, but it was much more short-lived. Then, on the other hand, a couple of friends said that it was a thousand times worse the second time. The anxiety was magnified by the worry of giving the older child as much love and attention in addition to caring for the new baby. There was more guilt, more sadness, and even turned into full-on postpartum depression in addition to the anxiety.
We know we want more than one baby, but always planned to wait at least 2-3 years in between. I feel like I’m at the point where I’m ready, but am still waiting until I have a solid plan of what to do during my pregnancy and after the new baby is here to prevent what happened last time,
Some of the steps on the action plan:
Seeking out therapy as soon as we decided to start trying.
Knowing that it’s ok to ask for help when I need it.
I’ll do a better job of prioritizing work and tasks, so I don’t feel so overwhelmed and anxious.
I won’t be so apprehensive to introduce formula. If breastfeeding isn’t working, I’m not going to fight it. I’m glad I worked as hard as I did to get Liv breastmilk for the first 6 months, but I don’t want to put myself through that again in addition to caring for a newborn and a toddler.
So even though baby fever is definitely here, I’ll be waiting for quite a while, and enjoying the little lovebug we have, because she’s kind of the best thing ever.
<3
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You have to do what is right for you and your family. You can tell through your posts what an amazing mother you are to Olivia (and what an amazing father your husband is!) and you will be just as amazing with another little one when the timing is right. Post-partum depression/anxiety is scary, but it sounds like you’ll have a plan in place if you need it <3
“Oh you have a baby?! When are you having another one?”
Please feel free to Punch every person who says that on my behalf. 🙂
I think I can speak for most of your readers, Gina, when I say that I love reading your more honest and raw posts the best. They always seem to “speak” to me. Postpartum depression/anxiety is a very REAL thing and the thought of it getting out of control with a newborn AND toddler is very overwhelming. My son is 3 weeks younger than your daughter…and we just found out we are pregnant AGAIN! It’s very early (6 weeks) but we’re very excited and nervous! You’re right, it’s all about prioritizing work/family/relationships/health and getting more organized so that you can at least aid in keeping some of the anxiety away…but that if actual professional help IS needed, then don’t hesitate to get it. I think the fact that you have a grip on what to expect this next time around makes you 1000 times more prepared! Thanks for this post…and as always, keep the honesty coming! 😉
Yes agreed, I love these posts.
Thank you for sharing these very true comments. Darcy, my son is also 3 weeks younger than Olivia. Born 2/1/12. We should be friends
We had always planned on having 2, but when she was about 3 1/2, everything felt “right” and decided we were meant to be a family of 3.
You’ll know when the time is right, if that time comes. I always find it so offensive when people say things like “when are you having another?” or “well, that’s selfish” (I’m an only child and I’m just fine!), or when they say to friends, “oh, a boy and a girl–you’re done then?” I just don’t get it–why do people feel the need to judge or assume! Everyone is different!
It’s obvious you’re a great mommy and have a wonderful partner in Pilot. When, and if, you choose to expand your family, you’ll know when it’s the right time!
Oh man, this is about as real as it gets, right? I’m not a parent yet (thought I’m hoping to be in the not too distant future!) so I don’t have any advice about timing or postpartum issues, but it sounds like you’ve learned A LOT from your first pregnancy and postpartum experience, so I think you can be hopeful that you’ll have more tools to work with when you have to cope with whatever comes. As someone who has done a couple rounds of therapy, I think you are smart to have that plan in place ahead of time. I’d also encourage you to take your time finding the right type of therapist for you. I’d encourage you to do some reading about different types of therapy in addition to finding a good personality fit – I found a cognitive therapy based approach far more helpful than a later therapist who just wanted me to talk a lot and I think that is also supported by quantitative research as well. Good luck with whatever you decide.
I love your blog and what you share with us! It’s okay that it’s a tough decision about when…………you know what you want, it will happen when it should………….I tend to think:)
I think it’s very brave to express your fears about post-partum anxiety. While I did not experience it myself, I think the more people who share their experiences with motherhood, the better off all mothers will be in the future. Much better than pretending life is all gumdrops and rainbows!!
I’m happy that you have a plan for baby #2. I wish you were so freaked out about pp. Every pregnancy is different. Seeing a therapist and talking it out next time around will help for sure. And lots of prayer never hurt!
I can’t wait to see a Pilot, Jr.
Thanks for this post. My fiance and I have a five year plan before we start having babies. (I know most people say plans don’t work but I’m 22 and he’s 28 so I need a timeframe where I’ll feel more mature and he needs a timeframe where he’ll still be young. It works for us.) While they’re still pretty far off in our future I always wonder how and when parents decide to have more. It seems like babies are so unpredictable and then toddlers come with routine but that that’s when parents decide to have another baby. My sister and I are two years apart and I love that but I think I want to wait like a little longer in between.
Oh, I forgot to add, my baby is 6 weeks old and my husband is already asking when we are going to have baby number 2. My response? You crazy!!
😉
I am already a little anxious about when to have the next one and my first hasn’t even been born yet (I’m 36 weeks along). I have no idea how things are going to be post-birth yet so I’m sure that will influence my decision later on.
But I just wanted to say that I think you are being smart in considering all those things and I’m glad you chose to share your thought process with us 🙂
I’m not married, nor do I have any children, but you and I are the same age, Gina. I think children/family are ahead for me, but I get really scared about the “unknown” aspect of raising children. I’ve battled anxiety (mostly confined space/claustrophobia induced), and am scared this would get worse with children. A lot of the blogosphere is full of women who do nothing but talk about how wonderful motherhood is all the time, and I think we all know (even those of us without children) that it is not all rainbows and butterflies. Thank you for this frank post. In an odd way, knowing that someone as seemingly put together and happy as you experiences some difficult patches makes me a lot more relaxed for my maternal future.
I love you! I love this post, you have very beautifully expressed what I’ve been feeling, the postpartum baby blues were bad, and that is the single thing that has me holding back from a second baby! Do what feels best for you and your family! Thanks for always “keeping it real” 🙂
I identify with this post so completely. After having my daughter I suffered from the worst pp anxiety, and then when I weaned after nearly a year i was hit with full blown depression thanks to a lovely hormonal shit storm. Now that my daughter is 2 I’m finally at the point where I feel like I could do it again, this time being much more aware of myself and not being afraid to ask for professional help if I need it.
This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me! I feel like I’m the only momma who has major anxiety about having a second baby…all I hear about it this baby fever that usually sets in. I, like you, am starting to get those urges for #2 as my first baby is 13 months. But, the idea of that anxiety returning and trying to figure out how to make life work again after a second baby is so scary!! You are an amazing mommy and I thank you for your honesty time and again on your blog!
what a sweet post. you’re so brave to put it out there and know that your readers appreciate your honesty. follow your heart <3
I felt just like you when I had my first baby sixteen years ago! Definitely, it was easier after having the second one (3 years apart) because I had “done it before.” Some things that helped was that the oldest was in a part-time preschool when the second was born. Also, I learned to accept help from family members. I didn’t feel like I HAD to be the one to do it all. I also had the breast-feeding issues. With my first one it was so difficult. She wasn’t getting enough nourishment and it was very painful. I wound up only being able to do it for six weeks with supplementing formula. With the second baby, I wasn’t able to breast feed even that long; but, I didn’t put myself through the guilt. I wasn’t near as stressed the second go round.
I think your totally on track with knowing yourself and what you need! I’m 2-3 months away from #2 with an 18 month old at home and have similar concerns. I’m already a mess with pregnancy hormones so I’m definitely worried about how I will feel once the baby is here. I’m considering placenta encapsulation as a strategy to help since I’ve heard such great things about it! Maybe something to think about 🙂
I did take placenta pills and they helped significantly- ill definitely do it again
What a lovely post…Before I had our daughter I thought I definitely wanted them close in age, but then when we had her our lives changed so dramatically, my husband and I both agree a little more time would be good. However, that didn’t stop the major baby fever setting in as she got bigger and more of a kid than a baby. When she turned 1 we started talking about when we thought we might like to try, but agreed we should probably wait until after my husband had a steady job again. Well, God had other plans for us and I found out when she was 18 months we were expecting number 2, my husband also found a great job shortly thereafter, so I think it was all supposed to fall into place. Now that doesn’t mean I am not terrified of having 2 little ones only 2 years apart and I know this time around with baby will be a LOT different because we also have a toddler, but I think you said it right, that this time around you will know when to ask for help and it helps to much for aware of what you are feeling and what you need!
Great plan! After the hormones during the first pregnancy, when we knew it was time for #2 we went at it with a plan. I started anti depressants the moment I found out I was pregnant (not usually recommended but man I needed them) and I also started counseling. It didn’t make it “easier” but I knew I was taking care of myself and it was a support as the struggles came. Absolutely come up with a plan to hopefully make it better the second time around. That said, I was much more confident the second time around in the choices that needed to be made and standing up for myself to doctors etc.
I love that you loved being pregnant! Pregnancy was really rough for me but I, like you, hope to have a plan for the next time that will make things better. The actual pregnancy is what keeps me from having a second baby anytime soon. I can’t imagine being able to take care of my little girl while throwing up constantly and sleeping half the day haha. Your positivity is very inspiring. I’m excited for you to have another baby! I loved reading your pregnancy posts. I don’t know if you are the same way but now that I have a baby of my own when other people are having babies I get even more excited because I know the joy and adventure that a new baby brings.
Anything you decide is the right decision. You’ll be happy with whatever you go with or WHEN. Don’t let anyone tell you what is better for you.
I have one child and always said I only wanted one. My mind never changed, I am happy this way. I always knew but if it changes I will dictate that. When I say that, I often get “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you couldn’t have more children” my response is “no, I can, I choose not to” (would love to add “bug off” at the end)
Use this blog to say what makes you happy or use it if you need to vent. Whatever we do in our lifetime there will always be people to judge. Heck with them!
Is it weird that I’m stuck on the fact that people have been asking you “WHEN” you’re going to have another one? What if you just wanted one? I know you want at least one more, but … why do people think you must have at least two kids? I guess this is a different conversation. To me, the number of children you have is not right or wrong … it just is … and it’s incredibly personal. I know you know that, I’m just frustrated for you (and for myself — I’m a newlywed) because I don’t like this whole “what’s next” culture. Ah, off my soapbox. 🙂
I’m right there with you girl! Except, on top of being worried about what it’ll be like to have another baby around, I also don’t really love being pregnant. I thought I’d be gung-ho by now (my son is just over a year), but now I’m like, “why??” My plan is to enjoy the summer and reevaluate in the fall. 🙂
I love your approach to this decision. I think so many women get caught up in the excitement and attention that comes along with a new pregnancy, without putting too much thought into what comes at the end. Just the fact that you’re coming at this so carefully and wisely tells me that you’ll do wonderfully! 🙂 You’re a fabulous mama!
I know exactly how you feel! My sister just had the first baby of the family on Sunday, and it was a wonderful experience for our whole family. We love him so much! The only problem is, he has given me intense baby fever of my own! I knew I always wanted kids, I just wasn’t sure when. Now I want them right this second, like tomorrow. Unfortunately my fiance and I won’t be married until next year, and we are in the process of relocating to a new city 4.5 hours away from our families. It’s the worst time in our lives to have a baby. I just need to push my feelings back until we are ready. Until then I’m going to shower my nephew with a ton of love. 🙂
We had our son when my daughter was 3.5. It was still really hard and has been A LOT of work… But I’m so happy we waited. It’s really hard to juggle the needs of both…and I find it’s very hard to pay enough attention to both of them. My daughter loves to draw and do crafts, and sometimes im so tired from taking care of my now 14 month old son, that I can’t find the energy to sit and draw with her. Sad, but I think it’s the mommy guilt kicking in. Gina, you do whatever works for you and your family. And enjoy your beautiful daughter. You will never get this time back, so enjoy every second of it.
Therapy works wonders. Why wait until you start trying? It may help you even more to start now while you have the mental space to really focus in on your feelings, before that space becomes filled with ovulation schedules and other trying to get pregnant thoughts. As a new mom, I can totally relate. My baby is only 6 weeks old and people have already started to ask me when the next one is coming! Ugh.
Also, something I’ve already started is a list I of things I want to accomplish before having a second child. Things I want to do with my son, trips as a little family of 3, fitness goals…etc. Logically I know it’s not going to be like ” ok, we went the aquarium, I can now have another child” lol. But it does make me feel more organized and calm about the thought of a second baby. Just a thought 😉
Do what’s best for you and your family! Everyone has their different “fears” per say. I have extreme baby fever {my son will be a year old next week} and have had my IUD removed so we can start trying, but what holds me back is the medical bills. Debt gives me extreme anxiety and the thought of having those medical bills all over again when we just “paid off” our first really scares me. But as I keep telling myself, everything happens when the time is right 🙂 Soak up being a family of 3 while it last!
LOVE this post. Although my husband and I don’t have children (yet), the pressure to do so definitely there. Some of it comes from ourselves, some from our families, and some from our co-workers (we have the same employer – and it’s a school.)
We are enjoying the time as a twosome (well, three if you count our dog) and are excited for the ‘next step.’ But in looking toward the future, we often miss out on today. I appreciate you sharing your hopes and fears so openly.
Good luck in your journey and thanks again for sharing your thoughts 🙂
Thank you for such an honest post! I have an 11 month old and am really starting to get nervous about weaning when she is 1……….Did you find your postpartum anxiety worsened after weaning? I hear the hormone shift can be a big one to face, and I feel like I’m getting anxious about potentially being anxious.
it did, but for me, it went away much faster. i had about 2 weeks where i felt awful
From what I understand, there really is no “right” time to have baby #1 or #2 or so on. There will always be excuses why it’s not the right time. You’ll also hear so many stories about why you should or should not have babies close together. In the end, each person has to do what feels best for them.
I think it’s great that you’re seeking help before it even happens. People are often ashamed to admit they need/want help from a professional. That should never be the case. If you come out feeling better, more confident about the situation, then it’s absolutely worth it!
P.S. Isn’t baby fever a B****?! When it hits, it hits HARD!!
you really are an inspiration – thank you for sharing such an open post!
I love this post. Thank you so much for being so honest & open on this blog. I can kind of relate to this as well – I’ve been married for almost 2 years now and the baby question comes up all of the time. I think I’m relatively young still (28) and I don’t see why everyone is trying to rush us. You just have to do what is best for you…thank you for reiterating that in this post and allowing me to remember that! 🙂
I very much admire you for being vulnerable and putting this out there. It’s one of those topics I think many women are hesitant to talk about with the fear that so many others are judging them. But the truth is, a lot more mothers deal with this than many people realize. Thanks for being so real! I appreciate that!
HUGS TO YOU! I love reading this blog because you are real, with real concerns, and I appreciate your willingness to share.
For what its worth, I have a 2 year old and a 1 month old, and its not easy, and all of your concerns are totally valid…dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise 🙂 I love both my kids more than anything but its no picnic right now 😉
Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing.
Hey Gina, I just thought I’d add to the virtual hugs in order to try to drown out any negativity (although, I think being negative about this is unthinkable, at least to me!). Your readers love these kinds of posts! They love hearing whats going on with you! What you’re saying makes sense and you need to do things in your time. Sending hugs and support your way!
It’s OK to wait. I feel like there’s this unspoken pressure to have as many babies as possible in the shortest time possible these days. WTF people? It’s not like it’s a doll – it’s a person.
I have an almost 3 year gap between my son and daughter — and truthfully, I wish I had waited longer. Now I think it’s actually a great age gap (and play SO nicely together), but at the time – my 2.9 year old was still pretty needy! Now I’m about to have my 3rd with a 4 year and (almost) 7 year gap and it’s nice because my kids actually understand what’s going on! I know, if anything, I will have some helpers instead of a really confused toddler.
As for the fears? Well, they are always there, but you get through them. My postpartum experience was SOOO different the 2nd time around – just as a result of knowing what to expect. It was still hard though. You’re never going to be ready but you will know when you are MORE ready. Does that make sense? And if DOES happen sooner than you expect? Well, you’ll figure it out!
Good for you!
Thanks for sharing. I’m not a mother yet, but I see it isn the not-so-distant future, and I’ve had concerns about post-partum anxiety. Thanks for speaking from your heart and being honest. It sets your blog apart from the other places on the web where I just go for workouts and meal plans.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing this post. You timing is so impeccable (as always). As you may know, my son is just a few weeks younger than your little beauty so I can very much relate
I totally remember feeling that exact way before We had our 2nd. My kiddos are 3 years apart and it was perfect for us!!!! I also had an extreme amount of anixety with my first, I didn’t realise how bad it was when I was in the middle of it but looking back it was terrible. I couldn’t sleep even when the baby ways because I was so worried about every little thing. My second baby though, a whole different story. I was so busy with the 2 of them that I just didn’t have time to worry. I LOVED everything about my second child’s baby stage and felt none of the crazy anxiety I did with the first. He was also a way easier baby which was likely part of it. I hope when you guys decide the time is right that you can fully enjoy every bit of the baby stage the second time around 🙂
Love how open and honest you with such a private matter. I’m sure you will know when the time is right.
Why not just start with therapy now? It’s easier to start when you’re not in full-blown anxiety mode, and it’ll be easier to stick with once you do start trying. It’s hard to convince yourself to go to therapy by the time you actually need it. What’s the harm in starting now?
that’s a good point. i’d like to find someone now that i like anyway
I think it’s smart to just follow your gut and not worry about what others say/think. And also a good reminder to us all that we need to look out for our emotional health, especially when bringing a new person into the world. We’ve got to look out for ourselves first before we’re able to care for others. 🙂
Gina, from what I can tell you are an amazing mom (to liv and your fur babies!), friend, wife, daughter, sister (everything). You will be a great mother to another child when the time is right for you and Tom – Liv will be an awesome big sister and you will shower both children with love! This is a major fear of mine (that I won’t be able to handle everything that comes after delivery) – I am preg and have an almost 8 month old (MUCH sooner than anticipated) and it scares the bejezuz outta me to know I am going to have a 14 month old and a newborn – prioritzing will be very important.
Love this post – it’s one of those things (I feel anyway) that people struggle with silently because you wonder if you’re the only one so it never gets talked about.
I agree Meg! Thank you so much for this post Gina! I had PP pretty bad myself and I feel like i ‘forgot’ about it, or maybe just choosing to forget about it…regardless you have made me come to the realization that it is no joke and I applaud you for taking it into consideration before #2…you are already prepared girl!
We want a second and i don’t have the choice to wait longer (i am 43) and my ‘plan’ was to do the placenta pills the next time around…you mentioned it helped a little, but would you recommend it?
100%.
Love this post Gina! These real deal posts are great and so appreciated because so many can identify with so much you blog about so pls be real be yourself and dont listen to the negativity.
Just be you bc we love it! Thanks for sharing your life and keeping it real. Take the time you need and you will know when you are ready for #2. 🙂
Thanks for the honest post! Doing what is best for your family
Will always be your choice! I am currently expecting my first baby
And would love to read your past pregnancy posts! I am having a hard time
Finding them easily. Would you mind telling me how to easily read your
Journey? Looking forward to all your tips about pregnancy fitness, baby gear, formula
And everything in between!
Thank you for addressing this! I didn’t know until recently that PP anxiety is so common. Do you write anywhere else on the blog about this, or is this the first time? We are also (ALREADY?!) getting questions about #2, and I know if that ever happens it will be at least 3-4 years. Besides the reasons you discuss here, I also just want that much time to enjoy G as my one and only 🙂
I really appreciate how transparent you are being with you readers. Do what feels right for you, whether its waiting 2-3 years or 5 years. It’s obvious you are thinking about every aspect. Your readers will support you no matter what ;0)