i made it
[Warning: TMI, the reals, and not-so-rainbows ahead. Proceed with caution.]
When I hit my personal rock bottom earlier this year, I wrote this little note in my planner so I could look back and realize that everything’s so much better now.
P was 12 weeks old.
– It had been 11 weeks of a constant reflux nightmare. Two solid months lying awake at night either researching things we could do to help P or worried sick that she’d choke during the night,
– Having to quit breastfeeding, even though I loved it and omgitwasactuallyWORKING this time around,
– That one time I went to the Emergency Room on Christmas night where they told me I had prolapse and some other issues (later I would find out that it was a normal degree of prolapse that is expected after birth that, thankfully, resolved itself)
– After starting physical therapy for my other issue, I found out I’d need repair surgery. I wasn’t stitched properly (just writing that makes me cringe), so I was unable to heal. It needed to be redone or I would have to deal with a lifetime of pain and “unusualness” down there. Surgery when P was 5 months old was less than optimal, and I had to take an extra 6 weeks off of work teaching classes.
I did everything I needed to do for work and my family, but often felt like it was the bare minimum I could muster. I forced myself to be motivated when I wanted to lie in bed all day.
I forced myself to shower and dress myself, when I couldn’t care less about hygiene or anything that didn’t resemble sweatpants.
I forced myself to eat, even when nothing sounded good and the stresses and worry in my mind made everything unappetizing.
I forced myself to get outside and move, when for the first time in my life, I hated exercise. I hated the gym. I didn’t want to be anywhere I’d see someone I know and have to put a smile on my face and create something that would hopefully sound like normal human conversation.
It was when I found out someone very close to me had cancer. (Thank god, it was removed and she has healed beautifully.)
It was one thing after another,
Each time, I thought, “ok, I can handle this,” then something else would pile on until I finally sat sobbing in my therapist’s office, she told me, “you don’t need to suffer anymore.”
I felt like a failure.
I did so much to try to keep myself from feeling the same way I did after Liv was born… and here I was, feeling so much worse, and under a black cloud so strong my chest would ache. It hurt to feel this terrible, and hurt even more when I felt the guilt of wasting our last baby’s infancy feeling as sad, anxious and worthless as I did.
I was prescribed antidepressants, came home to a much-needed hug from Tom, sunk into the couch, and wrote the above note to myself. I added the happy face last, hoping when I saw the smile almost a year later, I wouldn’t have to wear a fake one anymore.
As someone with no foresight whatsoever, I needed to remind myself that this would all eventually end, and that when we got to P’s first birthday, I’d be worlds away from where I was then.
It’s weird because learning of my family member’s cancer snapped me out of my depression -I was more worried about her, and about P, than I was about myself- and it was when I wrote a majority of this post. I wrote it with hope, and the fuzzy confidence that things would change and would eventually be better.
For a long time, I used this blog as my escape from what I was feeling, and while I couldn’t write about everything, I yearned to hear your stories of coming out of the other side. I wanted to avoid turning this fun and positivel blog into a negative space or a place to wallow. So instead, I used it as my escape. It was one of my many life rafts in the dark ocean in which I felt I was surrounded. It was my chance to focus on the good in life, read your uplifting comments and funny stories, and distract myself from everything that was going on. It was during a constant barrage of OB/gyn, pediatrician, Urogyn, acupuncture, therapist, and physical therapy appointments.
Having this blog made me feel a tiny bit of normalcy when everything was shrouded in the scary unknown. (At the time, I still didn’t know the degree of prolapse severity or what they would do to repair my stitches post-birth. Apparently this is common when you push out an almost 11-lb baby in 4 minutes after 24 hours of labor… I had no idea this was even a thing. Now, I feel a thousand times better after my surgery, and I’m so thankful for an awesome surgeon who wanted to remedy the issue. I have heard so many stories of women who were told to “deal with it” even though they were in physical pain, suffering through each day.)
So here I am.
I made it.
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OMG, I almost cried. My friend, you are so strong. And I am so glad to know you. Sharing your world (the good and the bad) with so many people is so brave! And seriously, so happy you MADE IT!
thank you, friend <3 i appreciate the kind words so much
Hurray, sweet friend! You have truly overcome mountains.
thank you, friend <3
You did it! High five Momma!!!!!!
<3 thank you, friend
I love that you wrote most of this when you were still in the midst of it. I love that you had even a tiny spark of hope that you’d come out on the other side and wrote that celebratory note to yourself. And I especially love that you’re sharing your story. Because as someone who also came out from the dark cloud of PPD, I know how helpful others’ stories are. <3
<3 <3 <3
Celebrating with you that those really hard days are just memories!
thank you!
Thank you. That’s all I can say. I’m recovering from PPD and anxiety and it’s so good to know I’m not alone. That’s all I can say.
hang in there. keep doing an amazing job taking care of yourself. i hope you continue to feel better and better
You are AMAZING Gina. That’s so much to go through. You are so strong ?
thank you <3
Bless you, you did make it While I didn’t have the same physical issues my baby had a terribly rough first 6-7 months with reflux / allergies. I was a stay at home mom, husband at work, nearest family member 7 hours away and zero friends in this new place who checked on me. I was an absolute mess. When you talked about P’s infancy being taken from you I totally get it. I still feel kind of robbed. But we made it, here we are on the other side! Even now I thank you for reminding me I really wasn’t alone. {{hugs}} And I’m so thankful your family member is ok.
we made it! it actually brought me comfort to know that women all over the world were feeling the same way i was (even though i wished they weren’t, if that makes sense?)
thank you <3
Wow, thank you for sharing your story so candidly. I’m sure many women will find comfort and belonging in your words. Glad things are better for you now. 🙂
thank you, kim. i appreciate it <3
Ah, I got tears in my eyes reading that! Thank you for sharing such an amazing, personal story, and congratulations on making it through!
thank you for reading <3
Ah, thanks for sharing and way to go, Gina. It’s so good that you advocated for yourself even when feeling like crap… seeing the proper medical doctors, rehab and therapist.
thank yo, friend
You are awesome, Gina. Thanks for always keeping it real. So glad you made it!! Enjoy your beautiful family. Sending a virtual hug from one mama to another 🙂
hugs to you <3
Thank you so much for sharing this Gina. So many of us suffer in silence thinking there’s something wrong with us and no one else goes through this. We all have challenges and sharing them helps us bulldoze through them.
You’re a rock star!!
Sue
thank you, friend. i really appreciate it! <3
Any advice on the reflux? I have a 5 month old with severe, severe reflux. She has had several
Choking episodes. The doctor told us to start solids as it would help and she actually still chokes and vomits on the purée. 🙁 We did BLW With my son (no reflux issues), but I am terrified with her! Since you made it to 1, and I assume is eating real food, I’d love any advice. Thanks in advance and congratulations on all you have made it through.
hi elizabeth,
i’m going to email you if that’s ok!
Thank you for being so authentic, you are an amazing person Gina! Strong and such a big heart <3 I'm so glad things have taken a turn for the better for you and your family. Excited that you get to spend a few months with your family in Tuscon soon, I bet you all are beyond excited (minus all the moving logistics I'm sure). Enjoy the season you're in, we thank you for your bravery and honesty! <33
thank you so much, friend. i appreciate it
Hugs!! Thank you for sharing something so personal.
<3
Gina,
I am a long time reader but rarely comment. Reading this actually made me cry. I am so happy you have had the strength and personal beauty to get to this moment and to get through all of the things the last year has thrown at you.
Your blog has been a constant for me as a displaced Californian (I live in Ireland right now), who has gone through some intense periods of homesickness and some serious ups and downs in the past 5 years! I read your blog when I was dealing with my dad’s death abroad, I read it when my 8 year relationship broke down the year after, and when I struggled with work reasons prohibiting me from returning to the states when all I wanted to do was come home. The positive space that this blog is has been such a bright spot in a lot of my days.
I’ve continued to read it as things changed: I started to meet my career goals (I’m actually a Women’s Health PT!), am in THE relationship of my life, and truely happy. I sort of had an a-ha moment about a year ago, where I realized, “I did it! I got through that rough patch, and I have created the life I want!” And it was such a great feeling, and I am so so happy you also came to a moment where you realized you were on the other side of something!
I just wanted to thank you for what you do on this blog, because your positivity and recipes and workouts and just general lovely demeanor which comes through your writing have actually meant quite a lot to me and I’m sure many of your other readers.
I’m so happy you’re riding the up-side of the wave!
hi jeni,
thank you so much for such an amazing comment, and for reading for so long. you have definitely been through a lot. i’m so happy to hear you’re on an upswing, too. that is amazing you’re a women’s health PT (thank you for what you do!!!) <3
thanks for bringing a huge smile to my face and for being here
xo
Damn Gina, serious kudos to you for being so open, vulnerable and strong at the same time! This sentence in particular really resonated with me: “I didn’t want to be anywhere I’d see someone I know and have to put a smile on my face and create something that would hopefully sound like normal human conversation. ” I feel this ALL THE TIME. Being an introvert, then on top of that struggling with a dark cloud of depression makes normal human conversation almost impossible. Fantastic post that will help many people!
thank you so much, friend. ahhh i’m so sorry to hear that you experience something similar. i’m sending love to you and thank you for being here, and for your kind words
I just want to give you a giant hug and a cup of tea and some cookies. You are so brave and powerful. You made it!
well that sounds like the trifecta of the best things ever <3 thank you!
You’ve got this:)
<3 <3
All the feels! It takes a lot of courage to share all the hard times, but you are so strong to make it through and come out the other side. You’re amazing!
thank you, laine <3
Aww Gina! I’m glad you’re doing better and feeling good. I love reading your blog every day!
thank you, laura, and thank you so much for reading <3
Like many of your readers have already said, this made me tear up while reading it. I’m so happy you’re feeling better and are coming into the sunshine again. Also, thank you for sharing this. There is such an unnecessary stigma around mental health and it’s such an important topic to raise awareness on.
thank you, jill <3
Such a beautiful post! As always, thank you for opening up and sharing! You never want to hear that someone is going through such a tough time but if I’m being honest, it is so encouraging reading other women’s’s stories and seeing their strength firsthand- and seeing the happy ending 🙂 I am going through what seems like a barrage of struggles right now and keep telling myself to keep swimming! The saying when it rains it pours could not be truer! THanks again for creating such a beautiful and raw space! So glad you are doing so well xo
thank you so much, and thank you for reading. when it rains it definitely pours. i’m so sorry you’re experiencing challenging times now, too. cheers to when they’re all behind you. <3
Thanks Gina! We’re in the middle of a dark storm here and being reminded of the light is what I needed! I too suffered prolapse issues after the birth of my daughter. Unfortunately, I’m not obe of the 70% whose heal- even with PT. My physical therapist and OB both recommended surgery. I can’t run and was told not to lift (I’m a personal trainer too). The low success rate of surgery terrifies me and even with it I’m told running isn’t recommended…. only a few days after this bews my daughter was diagnosed with hip dysplasia at her 6 month check up. Next week she’ll go under anesthesia and be placed in a cast from ribs to toes for 12 weeks. When it rains, it pours. I think I’ll go put a note in my planner too. Thanks 🙂
Saying prayers for you and your little one.
hi caitlin. your comment brought me to tears. i’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are going through.
i have done a TON of research on prolapse and have some great resources if you need anything from me.
i’ll be thinking of your daughter and sending so much love and healing vibes to you both. it will definitely be a celebration when all of this is behind you. hang in there. <3
Adding my voice to all the comments who have said thank you for this post. It moved me to tears, and as someone who is still in the thick of it (baby girl is 7.5 months old) I am so grateful to have read this today.
I know you weren’t able to share all the details over the last year, but the topics you were able to be open about were very helpful to me, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Wanting so badly to continue breastfeeding and having to stop was a huge blow to me, and I went back to your post on having to stop and it really helped me through that time. Knowing that you had struggled after your first child and made it out and had a second baby helped me when it seemed in the first few months postpartum that my previous self was gone and there was only unhappiness and anxiety ahead of me.
I cannot wait to tell myself, “You made it.” And then to be able to speak from experience and tell other moms that they’ll be OK. Thanks again.
thank you, joanna, and thank you so much for being here. hang in there. i feel like anything less than a year old is HARD. you’re doing an amazing job.
xoxo
Gina what a great post! I love when you share your true feelings and experiences. It helps so many more women than you’ll ever know. So many bogs are full of cotton candy and sunshine all. The. Time. So it’s nice and refreshing to hear and see that everyone has struggles and that everyone can make it bright. Bright was supposed to be through, but for once autocorrect found an even better word. Good luck to you and your family! May the sunny days outweigh the stormy ones.
<3 that means so much to me. thank you
Thank you Gina! Right now I am in a dark cloud but I too will make it.
you will be ok. let me know if i can help you in finding the support/help you need!
As always, your candor is beyond refreshing. You MADE it indeed, girlfriend. Congratulations on your success through everything you’ve been through!
thank you, darci. i appreciate it <3
Thank you for your honesty. Being raw and venerable is so difficult, but we are all here for you. Thanks for making this such a safe place to be who we are – pretty or not.
<3 thank you, brynn
I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that!! You’re so strong and I admire you. So glad you made it! I had PPD as well after a painful csection recovery and my son not taking to breastfeeding. I felt so alone and like a failure, it was terriable. I still remember how I felt then and it’s been 5 yrs. luckily, I slowly came out of it after he turned 1 but it was so hard. Best wishes and I’m glad you’ve been able to heal from all of that physical stuff as well. Take care!
thank you so much, jessie. so glad you hear you came out of it, too <3
I’m not the greatest at expressing my emotions, so I will just echo what you said — and did. YOU MADE IT. Sometimes that’s all we can do.
thank you <3
This gave me chills. You’re awesome, thank you for sharing such a powerful story. I’m so glad you made it and those smiling faces are the cutest!
thank you, jackie- i really appreciate it <3
Gina:
There isn’t much to say that hasn’t already been said. I echo the sentiments of all the ladies who have commented above me. Thanks for being YOU ! You are a source of light and inspiration to so many of us! I hate to know that you have struggled and am relieved to hear that your feeling better now. It will be so wonderful for you to enter to holiday seaon with your ususal joy and energy. Sending you lots of good vibes and heartfelt wishes for a fantastic ending to 2016!
thank you, jessica. i really appreciate the kind words.
You are amazing and thanks for sharing your journey. It gives others hope and encouragement. So glad you are on the up and up
thank you, michelle <3
You are amazing. You made it! Thank you for your raw, honest words. Motherhood was all I have ever dreamed of doing, and then the first 6ish months were HARD and sometimes miserable with different obstacles and health issues. Looking back, I think I may have had some PPD. Reading your story is encouraging. Although I wish you didn’t have to go through all that you did, it is so incredible to see how you made it through to the other side. It gives me hope that I will be able to work through anything I might face with any future babies. Thank you for your words today, Gina!
thank you, lisa. thank you so much for reading
<3
<3
I LOVE that idea of putting that note later on in your planner!
just a reminder that the time will pass <3
<3 love you
love you!! <3
I absolutely love your honesty in sharing a struggle that almost every single mom can relate to! You were not and are not alone! So many hugs!
thank you, friend <3
Such a great reminder that when you’re in the thick of things…. that over time, IT WILL PASS!!! Although hearing that in the moment is always so frustrating, time really does heal all and it’s good to have stories in your life and others to REMIND you that is a fact. Thank you for sharing that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows.. we all need to do more of that with each other I think.
amen to that. thank you so much <3
What a gift your sharing is to not only to your readers but to your daughters. They will be blessed by your words and sharing again and again.
thank you so much, susan <3
<3 <3 <3 You did. 1000%
<3 thank you, friend
I got chills reading this. I had no idea you were going through such a struggle. I’m sorry to hear that but so, so glad you came out the other side with a beautiful smile on your face! *Hug*
thank you so much, friend. i appreciate it. and let’s grab a juice before i move!
Yes it’s been way too long! When do you move?
<3 i totally get the black cloud/chest ache. happy you feel so much better!!
<3 <3
Hey, I appreciate the honesty, and I’m so glad you’re better! A few years ago I would go to your blog when I was feeling down, because it was positive all the time I expected it to teach me how to be positive all the time. But after some personal growth of my own, and reading your accounts of your experiences, I now handle my own stuff and go to your blog for a light escape from day-to-day hassles–just as you use it. Life is hard. And fun. That’s ok. And we are strong.
loved everything about this comment, and especially the last part. so true. thank you for sharing and for your kind words. xoxo
Gina, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t even imagine how hard this year was for you and then to share it with the blog world. Know that there are women from all over who are supporting you (mom power, women power). You are so amazing and thank you for sharing!
thank you so much, moira. i truly appreciate it and thank you for reading <3
My heart goes out to you! Love,m and hugs to you for always putting on a happy face for your readers! I suffer from anxiety and believe in ‘fake it till you make it’. It works even though it’s difficult! Xoxox
i totally agree! sometimes it’s SO hard, but most of the time it makes you feel a bit better
xo
Tears in my eyes as I read this post and all the comments. Thank you so much for your willingness to share. I am suffering from post partum anxiety which I didn’t even know was a thing. Thankfully prayer helps as does my mom’s support & that of a counselor. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t understand it at all & isn’t very supportive in that area. It makes it that much harder. My little one is totally worth it though. It really helps to know I’m not alone.
you are not alone. sending so much love to you and hope that you continue to feel better and better.
xo
Wow, thank you for your honesty. This is one of the many things that makes your blog different and all around lovely. Thank you for being honest and real. It means a lot.
thank you so much, and thank you for reading <3