Well, it wasn’t meant to be my night for yoga.
I was a couple of minutes late to class, since Livi needed a full belly and I pumped before leaving her with her Daddy. Class was completely PACKED and they had already started the opening talk and meditation. I walked into the room, saw that there was virtually nowhere for me to put my mat without interrupting someone, turned around and walked out.
People walk into class late all the time, and even though I’m pretty punctual with classes –it’s distracting for the other participants and the instructor- in the rare occasion that I’m late, I’ll wait until meditation is over, sneak somewhere in the back, and find a spot for my mat. Tonight, I didn’t think there would be room for me and I felt awkward and uncomfortable, like it was my first yoga class all over again.
As I left, my mind started to wander to all of the other things I should be doing instead:
taking care of the thin veil of dust that now covers our house
write thank-you notes and catch up on emails
get birth announcements ordered and a gift for the midwife
go to the dentist
get my crazy mop of hair cut
fix the eyebrows that are now a single eyebrow
I felt selfish for taking an hour to go to yoga when I have a beautiful baby at home –the girls started to hurt as soon as I started driving to the studio- a house in shambles, and lots of small to-dos piling up.
I felt guilty.
As I drove home, I thought about the conversation I had with Tom earlier about getting cleared to workout again. I’m so excited about it, but making fitness a part of my everyday life is definitely going to be more challenging than ever. While Livi naps, I’ll use that time to write a blog post, because it’s something I enjoy, or throw in a quick load of laundry, if even that. Usually I’ll just hold and snuggle her, even if she’s crashed out.. there’s nothing better than feeling a snoozing, happy baby sleeping on your chest.
Did any other moms out there feel guilty for taking time for yourself?
I know the saying is that you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, but as a new mom, finding balance is challenging. Tonight was my first time venturing out on my own, without Livi, in 10 months… she’s either been in the belly, or with me. My first yoga class back in action will be right around the corner, and when it happens, it will feel amazing.