1/21: Thoughts from the week
I totally get why new moms cut off all their hair. It’s a luxury to get a shower, let alone style or dry anything. Twisty bangs + ponytail or messy bun for the win.
I wrote about our adventures in breastfeeding here, but just as we’re starting to get the hang of it, it’s also become even more difficult. She prefers my left side over the right, so I have to pump my right side after every feeding to keep supply up. She’ll only nurse on the right side for maybe 5 minutes, but will go all day on the left, and I have no idea how to get her to like the right side, which produces less. That’s also the side I had surgery on a few years ago…
The funny thing is that for a couple of days, I thought my right side wasn’t producing anything. I’d pump, and nothing would come out. Tom was watching me pump yesterday and said “How long have you been using that battery pack?”
“All week.”
“No wonder you’re not getting anything! Those batteries have to be dead by now… try the AC adapter”
And sure enough, I plugged the pump in and was pleasantly surprised by milk!!!
Wow.
We’ve been tracking all of her feedings and diaper details since she was born,
and it’s funny how you can go 7 years without discussing body functions with your husband, and then be cheering for them together.
It really is possible to survive on no sleep. The first few days were an adrenaline rush and we were up all night as she cried and cried- now she’ll sleep for a couple of hours in between feedings. I used to NEED my 8 hours… I get maybe 4 or 5 broken hours of sleep and am doing ok. Everyone says to sleep when the baby sleeps, but I usually only have time to pump my right side, grab some food and then she’s ready to go again.
Bed rest is the worst thing ever. I hadn’t been doing any real activity –the midwives said if things look good at my 4 week checkup, I can resume normal activity again- just dishes and laundry around the house while the baby would snooze. We went on a couple of family walks (1-2 neighborhood streets down and back) and that’s about it. After cleaning up around the house on Tuesday, I was changing clothes and looked down to see I was standing in a small pool of blood. It scared the bejeezus out of me. After a call to the midwife, she said “you’re to be on the couch or in bed only. That’s it. Take the next few days and don’t do anything, except for cuddle and feed your baby.” I’ve loved all of the cuddling and feeding time, but as an antsy person who likes to be up and about, it’s been challenging for me.
Hormones do some crazy things after you have a baby. As blissfully happy as I am, I still cry everyday. I worry that I’m not doing a good job, it breaks my heart when she cries, and the fact that Tom goes back to work this week has been giving me a lot of anxiety. Tomorrow I’m going to do a practice run and see how I do by myself throughout the day and night.
Everyone says it’s normal to cry and to feel this way, but you’d think that hormones would protect you at a time like this. They should make you feel like a superhero so you can get through the really challenging time. Instead, they make you feel really fragile and emotionally sensitive. I’m excited to feel normal again.
I’m also excited for the day when she looks up at us and knows who we are and smiles. For now, I’m just the boob 😉
135 Comments
Leave a Comment
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
My little girl is 2 weeks old and I totally relate to this post! My husband is also Air Force and went back to work this week and the nights were alot rougher doing it alone but we survived and its getting easier everyday! I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job!
I don’t know if you’ve been given this advice yet and I’m sure you’ve tried a lot of different things, but I wanted to suggest something just in case… if she won’t nurse on your right side, you could try nursing her on the left side per usual, and then just sliding her over in the exact same position to your right side. (So if she was in the cradle hold on your left side, she’d be in the football hold on your right side.) Sometimes baby’s are uncomfortable to lay on their opposite side for a variety of reasons. A visit to the chiropractor might help (for her! really!) or you could also look into finding a craniosacral therapist.
Of course it might be the fact that you had surgery on that breast like you mentioned. Still had to make a suggestion that might be helpful!
Hang in there, the first six weeks of breastfeeding are often the most challenging! It WILL get easier! You’re doing a super job!
we’ve gone to the chiropractor, and she loved it! we’ll be going back early this week. i really want her to get used to laying on both sides, so after tricking her like that for a couple of days, we’re trying to do it the regular way
thank you <3
I can not imagine how hard it is to be everything to one person, while still trying to (half ass) take care of yourself. I am not a parent, and probably will not get the opportunity, but I love your honesty, and I envy your bravery for putting yourself out there for all of the internet to see. I see you a have a pretty large e-cheerleading squad! Sending your happy vibes and hope it all gets easier sooner rather than later.
Give her time and I think she will like the right boob. I had breasted two daughters so I thought I was a pro. My third daughter came along and for the first few weeks would hardly eat from the right. I kept trying each feeding, usually in tears, but the preference for one side stopped.
I hear ya on the hormones. I was such a mess after my first I think my husband wondered where his wife went and who was this crying mess.
It will get better. And know that Olivia sees you as much more than a boob 🙂
I laughed out loud when I saw your “pooping” log!! I thought me and my hubby were the only ones who did this!!!! Lol!!!!! I showed my hubby and he laughed along with me!!! Embrace EVERY minute of this!!! Every second is precious, even the stressful moments!!! I think y’all are gonna be super great parents!!!! 🙂
Before you know it baby Olivia will be running all over and you’ll wonder where did the time go!!!
My hubby would always get up with me to feed, we were always tired but it was oh so special.
My extra special memory involves him putting our daughter to bed at night. Every night he would hold her in his arms and comment how big she was getting, fast forward 11 years later… He still puts her to bed at night and her feet literally drags the floor!! Of course he has a 6 year old he still totes to bed as well!
*smiling as I type this he is bringing each one to bed. :).
You are in such an awesome place!!!! I’m truly happy for you!!
<3
1st off- you are doing great! I remember the first few weeks with my little guy were REALLY hard but after week 3, the crying stopped, I started to relax on the worrying and I started feeling more like my normal easy going but still very type a self. Breastfeeding got a ton easier after about 12 weeks, so hang in there- it is TOTALLY worth it! If you have some type of mommy/baby nursing support group, I would recommend it- my group was through my hospital, but I know LLL has them too. It was so helpful to not only check in with a LC weekly but also to talk to other moms. Plus, I could take my little guy with me. Good luck this week with Tom going back to work- you’re going to do great!
It’s so incredibly tough to be a new mommy, Gina. Babies cry, sometimes it takes you a while to figure out the reason at first and sometimes not even the baby knows why. It’ll get easier and FAST. The first 3 weeks were the hardest for us, after that it slowly got better. At 7-8 weeks everything was so much easier… and the first smile will come before that and melt your heart.
Once they actually recognize and interact with you and are – gasp – predictable, you’ll find a rhythm. Hang in there, you’re almost over the hill!
You’re doing awesome! I had a nightly cry for, oh, the first three months or so 🙂 Good news is, the crying gets less intense and frequent, and soon you’re just crying because you’re so happy. Hang in there!
The hormones are definitely rough. My son is 6 months old now, but I remember the first couple weeks after he was born, everything made me cry. Like everyone else says, you will feel like yourself after about 6 weeks. The Kindle and reruns of So You Think You Can Dance helped me get through it, lol. But there are still lots of great moments during the first 6 weeks! You are doing a great job. When you hubby goes back to work, make sure you have close family come over to hang out during the day so you can shower, nap etc.
Thanks for your honesty, it gets better!
Oh darling big hugs to you. Everyday will get better you will see.
Oh and I thought this might help make you smile, “I’m also excited for the day when she looks up at us and knows who we are and smiles. For now, I’m just the boob ” – my husband used to sing songs to our little boy about how we are just the big people who keep him dry and fed!! I still laugh at those silly songs.
Oh and PS the left boob was always favoured by my little mister and my best friends too. Funnily enough we had both had surgery too! Maybe as it’s closest to the heart?
Hang in there Gina, I don’t have any kids of my own but I am loving hearing about your adventures as a new mum. I am so impressed at your dedication keeping up with all the posts 🙂
I think you’re doing great. I don’t have kids so I’m not an expert and I haven’t gone through it, but I have been at the mercy of hormones a few times in my life and it is actually kinda scary how completely different they can make you feel. When you compound that with less sleep and a whole new baby to take care of and adjust to (as happy and positive as that adjustment may be) it must be really disconcerting. Wishing you all the best, but it sounds like you don’t need it! I think you’re doing fabulously!
I don’t know if you have an iPhone, but if you do you need the Total Baby app. It helps keeps track of all feedings, diapers and sleep. And it has a timer. Super helpful.
Awww I have no doubt that she knows exactly who you are. You are everything to her! 🙂
I don’t know if it helps to hear this again and again, but you are doing great! I feel like nobody ever mentions the tough parts like this because pretty soon you forget they existed.
There’s so much bloggy love out there for you, though! <3
Hi:) I am a new reader, and a mama to a 17 month old daughter. I have really enjoyed reading your blog! My little one and I are still nursing, and I just want to tell you hang in there! There are going to be lots of ups and downs but always give yourself a couple days to adjust and you’ll be fine. I think most moms will tell you their baby preferred on side or the other, for us it was the right. For the first year one boob might be smaller than the other (TMI?) because it just produces less. That’s completely normal. Enjoy these sweet moments but know its ok to be frustrated and ok to take a break when you can. It just keeps getting better!
Keep up the good work.
All I can tell you is that the first three to four weeks of my baby’s life were the most difficult and awesome time of my life. I have finally started to feel like we’re normal and in a routine and she’s just over 4 months.
Breastfeeding still ebbs and flows for us, and sometimes we have problems still. But what keeps us going is that I’m 100% committed and I have great help. You have a great hubby who supports you well, so keep surrounding yourself with people like him!
Just remember that you’re in the shit right now, as they say, and things WILL get better. You’ll have a whole new set of things to drive you crazy soon, I promise 🙂
And try your best to trust your instincts, especially when they are telling you that you’re doing a good job. It’s so important to foster that feeling, and it only gets harder the more voices you let in.
I don’t envy you being back there, but I do miss those early times with my baby. It’s so wonderful to soak her in so fully, so let yourself experience that instead of getting so wrapped up in the things that don’t go quite right. She can feel your feelings, I think. Tell yourself to feel calm and loving and she’ll pick it up.
You can do it, mama.
I don’t have time to read the comments so apologies if this is what others have said. But my first thought is quit feeding so often. I was still in the hospital on day 1 or so when a nurse saw me feeding and asked when my baby was fed last. When I said an hour ago (or whatever), she said, “You will go nuts at home if you let that baby feed that often. Do all you can to stretch her to X (I’m thinking she said 3?) hours between feedings. Otherwise you will get NO rest.” And I did and I was glad I did. I don’t recall any tough stretch of crying spells. Just one long stretch then one long feeding… and boom the habit was started. I think I did try all kinds of other ways to address the crying at first without feeding and it must’ve worked because I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to endure even one long stretch of uninterrupted hunger cry. And you do learn to recognize the cry, if I recall right.
Take care of yourself! Babies are tough! She’ll survive 3 hours without a meal! Your mental health might not!
you’re doing awesome and normal!
I bled A LOT the first week or two, and continued bleeding for at least 2 weeks after that. it was not what I was told to expect, which made it really scary, but apparently it’s not uncommon and not usually a big deal.
oh and the crying is/was tough for everyone, yet we all get/got through it, and you will too. Livi won’t even remember being teeny and fussy 🙂
Its been said, but you really are doing great. Those darned hormones! I cried a lot for the first few weeks, suffered a lot of anxiety, and felt like a zombie from sleep deprivation. It passes so very quickly though, our babies grow up too fast 🙂
Aww- I completely remember those feelings and seriously, they are 1000% normal and will begin to fade.
I just quickly wanted to chime in with two things- first, not sure if you’re midwife already recommended this but if not you may want to look into drinking lots of red raspberry tea. I had trouble recovering from my second daughter much like you are and my midwife urged me to drink the tea as it has been reputed to assist in ‘womb recovery’ aka uterine healing post partum. Definitely check in first but for me it really helped.
Second, the nursing on one side- all three of my children were breastfed and all of them preferred the left side over the right. I compensated by starting them on the right side (after I expressed a little milk from that side first to get things going) and then letting them finish on the left. In order to help them feel more comfortable on the right side I also used one of those stuffed bears that simulates the mothers heart beat since the heartbeat soothes them and is often why they prefer the left side over the right.
Hi,
I don’t know if you heard this already but all those hormones is actually sort of a good thing. Even if it might not feel that way. The fact that your emotional makes you more sensitive regarding your daughter helping to create a strong attachment with her. Try to remember that when it feels rough.
The hardest time for me was weeks 6-12 when she started crying in the evening and was inconsolable. Most of the time i was alone. My boyfriend and i still had a long distance relationship with him being in à different country and my family living four hours away. I thought i would never make it through it
Somehow i did and so will you! You are the best mother your daughter could have! Try to remember you dont need to be perfect just good enough!
Congrats! The crying is normal and really hard. It will get better- if it doesn’t DO NOT be afraid to tell your midwife- it’s very common. I have a six month old and it took several weeks to feel like myself again. Becareful with what foods you eat too- broccoli, onions, cawliflower, beans, spicy stuff all caused my daughter to get gassy and have pains when I nursed her. Crying gets better, then they get fussy, and then better- its all a stage. And never for a moment doubt you are “just a boob”- she knows you way better than you know her at this point. She’s used to being carried by you 24/7. Hold her and cuddle- my little girl wanted to be in my arms for her first 3 months- now she is constantly on the move and wants to roll all around the room. I miss those cuddly days. Find joy in each stage- they don’t last long- the good and the bad! As for the boob preference: watch how you hold her. I always held my daughter in my left arm and she soon prefferred to nurse on that side- so I tried holding in the R arm and it seemed to help. Also- baby connect is a great APP for the iphone to track your feedings/diaper/sleep etc. Make sure she isn’t “snacking” too- try going every 2-3 hours! Enough with the unsolicited advice- she’s beautiful and you already seem like an incredible mom!
GINA
You are doing great! Crying=normal. Baby preferring one side=normal. Feeding every two hours or more=normal (the baby was used to get non-stop nutrition inside!). Worrying about doing a good job=extremely normal. At first, I too felt like the “24 hour cafe”; that will change. Please don’t worry about being on your own- you will be fine! Really. I know you can do this! I also did too much work at first, and had to make myself slow down. The mopping/sweeping, laundry, dishes, and all of it can wait. Your main job right now is nursing…nutrition for baby, and you. When you nurse, your body also releases the same endorphins that make you feel happy when you exercise; very good for your mental health, and counters the hormone imbalance (some). It took you 9 months to get this way, and will take your body at least that long to even out. BTW, it is also normal for the bleeding to stop, and then start back up 3-4 days later.
You are the Mommy-ista!!!!
Ditto1
Thank you for your raw honesty, hopefully you can take heart in all the mums out there that also second guess themselves because isn’t being a mum a new job which we have no qualifications or previous experience in? All we can do is go with what we believe is best and instinct!
I can’t remember if you’ve done this already, but I just wrote a letter to my unborn daughter about who her mum and dad are. I put down some of our favourite things to do and our best qualities and how I hope she’ll like joining our team. It’ll be a while before we discover who she is (although she’s now due in just over a week!), but there’s something reassuring about defining the best bits about you. Maybe Tom could write about you and you could write about him (I found it wayyy easier writing about my husband than myself)! Remind you of how amazing you are.
If that requires too much work right now (it took me three days to write the letter!) when I am having an emotional pregnant day, I eat some chocolate and sing to my baby my favourite, soothing songs. My number one is “dream a little dream of me” by the mamas and the papas and I’m sure she loves it too.
Cheering you on through these sleepless nights and other newborn challenges. I will certainly be rereading this once my baby comes along for reassurance! xoxo
Girl…the used to need 8 hrs but you can survive on 4-5 and not even all in one stretch…Yep. I sleep so very, very little now. It’s not a badge of honor, and to each her own, but something changed in my after becoming a mother and I just don’t have the need for as much sleep as I did. I’d like it, sure, but I can live without it. And most days, I have to. I try to explain this but it’s one of those have to live it to believe it things…and looks like you’re living it.
Battery packs are horrible! You need to be plugged into the wall. And if you need a mack daddy pump, rent a hospital grade Medela for a month or two, called the Symphony. It will probably be about $100 for the month but it smokes the Pump n Style and if you’re going to be doing hard core pumping (I did..for…years..) the Symphony was like a Vitamix to blenders. Just second to none.
I logged everything as well and it was a huge help. I used this journal which I took everywhere with me. Everywhere! I only really logged stuff for the first I think 3 months. After that, you know you baby so well, you don’t need it.
http://www.amazon.com/Babys-Sleep-Poop-Journal-Lavender/dp/0976779811/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1327233078&sr=8-2
Just added that to my baby registry 😀
I hear you! My little one would feed from both sides but, anatomically one side STILL produced less and I couldnt do anything to get it to produce more. I was pretty lopsided there for a while. Even though it doesnt feel like it, you are already a superhero! everytime you hold Olivia remember you created her, thats more superhero than anything!
I don’t have any kids yet but I want to say THANK YOU for your honestly with these posts. Best of luck on this new chapter in your life!
My son is 2.5 and my daughter is 10 months and I STILL randomly cry. LOL
But seriously, as tough as it all is, isn’t it amazing to see what we as Mom’s are capable of? I always thought of myself as kind of a “weak” person, having to rely on others who are stronger. And then I had kids! I realized that really, I am a super woman!
You are doing a great job, Mama, so keep up the good work! And it may SEEM like you are just the walking’talking boob to Olivia, but really all she has to do is SMELL you and be soothed. You are Mommy. 🙂
Hang in there, you are doing great!!! And the bodily function thing is so true. It’s not un normal for my hubby and I to go “did she poop today?” lol!
Hi Gina,
I was just wondering how cloth diapers have been working out? I am still on the fence about them.
Funny, I said the same thing about knowing why all moms cut their hair off!
The same thing happened to me after the birth of my son…I was in the shower and looked down to a pool of blood, very scary…it ended up I was doing too much and had a blood clot…they told me to slow down after that and let my body heal. It really does take the full six weeks to feel back to somewhat normal.
Crying is normal too, takes a while for you hormones to get back and lack of sleep doesn’t help. But your Pediatrician will give you a survey at every doctors visit to monitor you. They take post partum depression very seriously these days.
Sounds like you are doing just fine! Hang in there, it gets easier and you will feel back to your old self in no time!
I totally understand what you’re going through with the hormones. I had my first baby girl (Hudsyn) back in September and the first two weeks after having her my hormones were out of control! I was fine in the hospital, but as soon as I came home I was a wreck!! I was crying all the time and just felt kind of hopeless. I started out breastfeeding, but it just proved to be too difficult. I felt extremely guilty at first..but she loves her formula and the fact that dad could help out a little more made it that much better. The “baby blues” are no joke! Hormonal changes and sleep deprivation can turn you into a totally different person. Luckily, after two weeks the fog lifted and everything felt a million times better. During those two weeks I thought I would never want another child…but now I want ten more! 😉 I love being a mom…there really is nothing better :0) Things will get much, much easier…trust me on that, and just try to enjoy every moment! It sounds like your a fantastic mommy :).
Lefty was my mass producer and really the worst part of it was that I looked completely unbalanced. Otherwise I worked it out that I would feed my babies 2-3 times on the left side and once on the right. I breastfed both of my kids until they were 26 months (after the first year it was a once/twice a day thing) and righty quit way before lefty did. You really only NEED one side to produce – so don’t stress!
The baby blues hit me so hard with my first baby. I cried about everything and I felt so empty at times. It was really the worst from about 7-10pm (the witching hours – when your hormones dip, you probably notice a drop in your milk supply then too). I also really missed being pregnant – it was so bizarre because I was JUST complaining about how I wanted to have the baby! It did get better (getting out the house helped – so hopefully you are off bedrest soon) and it was always comforting to hear that I wasn’t alone. Hang in there!!
I’m sure you’ve probably tried this, but see if switching positions works. Keep her in the same position as she’s in on the left and just sneak her over to the right. But, she could be getting frustrated because the milk isn’t flowing as quickly and as much as the left. My lactation consultant said to try pumping for a few minutes before and let the baby latch on, so the milk is right there. You might want to try that. I know how time consuming it all is, that’s all you have time for all day. I was lucky if I got to eat, especially when josh went back to work. You guys will find a groove and things will go smoother!
Bed rest and hormones are both the pits. I remember thinking the exact same thing when I was in your position three months ago- WHY aren’t they protecting my well being rather than making me seemingly cray cray?!? I was on bed rest for the last month of my pregnancy and two weeks postpartum due to scary bad preeclampsia, despite my healthy, active lifestyle. Talk about depressing. I have always been pro-“deal with a problem head on rather than medicate” but changed my tune in the first few weeks after my perfect daughter was born. We weighed the risks and I went on a low dose of an antidepressant and it really helped me through. NEVER will I judge formula feeders, c-section recipients, or medicated mommies again!!! Postpartum period is no fracking joke, for realsies.
Hey Gina, One of my very good friends is a lactation consultant. Let me knowif you’d like me to ut you in touch with her. She is the reason I was ale to breast feed Annabelle and now all of my kiddos. She’s always very happy to do a consult on the phone or webcam.
Carrie fette
I’m not a Mother so I can’t give any advice on the baby, booby stuff but just wanted to say I think you are doing fantastically and are a true inspiration x
I just had my first child (little girl) on January 5th. I followed you the whole pregnancy and was actually 2 weeks behind you in EDD but ended up being induced due to some complications at the end. Ended in a C Section. The first week was nightmarish because I was supposed to be recovering from surgery but also having a baby who wanted to be held 24-7 and not letting me sleep. Plus the hormones. I felt like an insane person. I’d cry at the drop of a hat and felt super needy towards my husband even though Im usually a pretty confident person. She is only 2.5 weeks old but things are improving slowly. It seems like we will have 2-3 ‘good nights’ where I get 6-7 broken hours of sleep (2 hours here, 3 there) and then we will have a night that we literally cannot put her down (and can’t sleep while holding her obviously although we have both accidentally nodded off once or twice from shear exhaustion and felt terrible about it). It is such a hard time because you want to enjoy your baby 100% but it is SO challenging. So, my new motto is this: It is going to be super tough. It doesnt mean Im doing anything wrong. It will get better and for now I will do my best to enjoy the ‘easier’ days and ‘survive’ the tougher ones. Hang in there! She is beautiful!
You’re on bedrest? Did I miss that post?
this is the first i’ve written about it
Gina, Hang in there!!! I so agree with your comment about the hormones. But think about it…alot of the feeling of being a superhero comes with the intensity of the endorphins from exercise (now off limits) and coupled with the sleep deprivation and totally understandable self-doubt AND your body going loco. This is like living life in an emotional blender. It will get better. Just take each day as it comes ….best, best wishes to you.
Congratulations on your new precious peanut!
I just wanted to congratulate you on a successful and healthy pregnancy! I am in medical school, and we see women all the time, unable to do what you have done. I am not saying this to judge those women, but rather to congratulate you on staying so strong, I can’t imagine it was easy. You ate incredible and stayed active, and you gave birth to a healthy (and beautiful!) little lady! I wish I could share your blog with everyone of my patients, because it really is inspiring! Many of the new Mother’s I counsel just don’t believe they can do it. You should be so proud that you were able to give your little one the very best start you could, because many little peanuts don’t get that!
I also had the same “I have to get moving” feeling you are experiencing after having my daughter. My midwife strongly suggested I stay on the top floor of our house for 1 whole week to let my body heal and it was torture for me. After the week was up I was ready to get downstairs and start doing normal things again! For people like us who make working out a part of our daily routine, it feels really out of sync to go a day without a workout, even though we’ve just had a baby. I missed the way I felt after a workout, the endorphin rush, the stretching of my muscles, and the feeling like I accomplished something…all things I couldn’t do by just sitting around the house (even though my body and baby needed me to!).
I started working out a week after I had my daughter by walking very very slowly on the treadmill for 30-45 minutes or so just to keep my sanity and I felt so much better. I would ease back my “workouts” if I started to get more lochia (I think that is what that postpartum bleeding is called).
I struggled with the up and down of hormones too within that first week or so, where I’d be super happy one moment and then in tears another. Doing regular tasks like cooking or blogging all felt different to me now that I had a baby…not “bad different” but just “different”. I attribute some of my mood changes it to my perfectionist tendencies because I wanted so badly to be a good mom and to feel like I knew what I was doing…but in reality I had no clue! Luckily these eased up with time as I felt more confident in my “new mommy skills”.
Sorry for rambling, just thought you’d like to know, you’re not alone and I hope the next week gets better for you. ( :
Ashley
Thank you for such honesty, Gina! You are doing great! I experienced the struggles of breastfeeding, the hormones, the crying, the lack of sleep, etc. I’m pregnant with #2 and already anxious about those first few weeks with a newborn. It will get better, but just know, you are not alone!!
I laughed out loud, hard, when I read your last line, “I’m just the boob”.
If your emotions won’t get with it, at least you have the support of your readers!! You can dooo it!
I laughed out loud, and hard, when I read your last line, “I’m just the boob.”
If your emotions won’t get with it, at least you have your readers for support!! You can doo it!!
I found out with my first that “sleep when the baby sleeps” is a lot of BS! Before you know it, you’ll be celebrating her first birthday and all this will seem like a distant memory. I’ve had to accept that I will have good days and bad days (and my “baby” is already 14 months and still good/bad days). I think breastfeeding is extra challenging, so definitely give yourself some slack! Seems to me your doing great!
Also, you know what these days are tough? Because your giving it your all and doing the best you can!