since he was gone
Hi friends! How are you? Hope you’re enjoying the week so far. We jumped back in the weekly routine, and made signs on Monday to pick up the Pilot at the airport. He was gone for 3 1/2 weeks (don’t forget that extra 1/2): 4 weekends. We missed him so much, but I also looked forward to spending some solo time with the girls and trying to make an adventure out of it while he was away. We did things like have breakfast for dinner, enjoyed more frequent movie nights, I let them sleep in our bed, and we planned extra events to stay busy and entertained.
While the Pilot was gone:
-The girls and I slept horribly the first week, until I let them fall asleep in our bed. I also slept more soundly knowing my baby chicks were close by.
-We actually had a lot of real dinners! I could easily see myself hopping on the takeout train since it was just the three of us, but there aren’t a ton of takeout places here that we love. So I cooked quite a bit, and while the meals were way more casual than usual, everyone was fed haha.
– We took two road trips. I’d been wanting to take the girls back to Disney, and figured that we might as well make the most out of our passes. The 3 1/2 hour drive is pretty fast and the only really tricky part about this trip was navigating rides. Liv likes to go on more intense rides now (like the Barnstormer roller coaster), while miss P is not a fan. I told Liv this would be more of a trip focused on gentle rides, character experiences, and parades. Of course, she was totally cool with that.
(Snack bag is key! I always have a giant bag of snacks in my suitcase and use it to refill each of the girls snack bags I carry in my backpack during the day. We eat full meals either at the hotel, Disney Springs, or the parks, but these are clutch when the girls get snacky and we’re on the bus or waiting in line.)
We also had an amazing weekend getaway to Jacksonville to stay at our favorite spot.
-I launched a project I’ve been working on for the past year! The Fit Guides are rocking and rolling, and it’s a blast connecting with all of the Fit Guide participants in the Facebook group + designing new workouts. We’re going to be including RD-created meal plans (at the same price) in the next couple of months and I’m so thrilled to add it to the plans. Sign up here now if you haven’t already!
-Livi lost a tooth! She pulled it out herself.. thank goodness because I was a little creeped about having to do it.
On a not-so-fun note:
-I also had one heck of a health scare. I want to start this off by saying I’m ok for now, but continue to hope and pray that this is true in the future, too.
A week before the Pilot left, I found a lump in my left breast. It felt like a hard bean and was enough to alarm me. I immediately made an appointment with my PCP to get it checked out, especially since we’ve had one incidence of breast cancer in our family. He took at look at everything, told me he thought it was probably an inflamed old milk duct from nursing P (especially since my left side did 90% of the work), and that I’d get an ultrasound to be sure. (I asked if I could do an ultrasound instead of mammogram since the thought of getting them smashed after my surgery gave me the creeps.)
Of course I consulted Dr. Google, spiraled into mental doom and gloom, and the day of my ultrasound (the day before the Pilot left), I was literally shaking in the lobby. Thankfully my BFF Betsy was giving me a text message pep talk and called me as soon as it was over.
The ultrasound tech was kind and lovely, and while she was performing the ultrasound, I kept checking the screen to see if anything stood out. I said, “You’re probably not allowed to tell me if you see anything, right?” and she responded,
“I ain’t no doctor, but I don’t see anything.”
She’s been a breast ultrasound tech for 30+ years (!) so that gave me some peace of mind.
A couple of days later, I got a letter from the hospital indicating that they didn’t see any definitive markings for cancer, but that they recommended additional screening through mammogram. They said to continue to monitor myself and notify my doctor if anything changed. I thought this meant I was off the hook, and celebrated. (In this case, I had a glass of wine and bought myself an outfit online after the girls were asleep.)
A couple of days later – by this point the Pilot had been gone for a week – I got a phone call from my doctor’s office while P was sleeping on the couch next to me. It was a nurse asking to go over the results of my ultrasound.
“Hi, we got the results of the ultrasound here. Since you have a worrisome mass, we’ll need to get that checked out with an MRI.”
“Wait… a worrisome mass? What do you mean? How big is it? Where is it?”
“Well, the ultrasound doesn’t give a lot of details so that’s why we’re going to request an MRI. Originally they stated mammogram but we have in your chart that you’d prefer not to get one, so an MRI will be a good option. We’ll call you after the referral has been processed to set up your appointment.”
I’m not sure what I said or how the phone call ended, but I literally crumbled after I hung up. Our living room was a juxtaposition of emotions: P slumbering peacefully on the couch, and myself, panicking with fear and sadness.
I sank onto the floor and sobbed harder than I have in years.
These two words kept swirling in my head: worrisome mass.
I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach, and as I watched P sleep, I went through every worst-case scenario in my mind.
I also felt more alone than I’ve felt in a long time.
After I’d calmed myself down a little, I called the Pilot, my mom, and Betsy to let them know what was going on (they said they’d hop on a plane immediately if I needed them to) but in that moment, all I needed was someone, in real life, to tell me it would be ok. And that was something very difficult to go through by myself. I assured my mom, the Pilot, and Betsy that I’d be ok until I got the MRI and that if anything changed, I’d probably call for backup. I didn’t want to tell any of the wives or any of my local friends about it because it felt really personal.. and really scary. I kind of didn’t want to talk about it.
I ended up calling the doctor’s office a couple of times trying to get answers (why did I get that letter from the hospital if everything wasn’t ok? What did the ultrasound show? How big did it look? What were treatment options if it ended up being something?), and while the nurses were kind and took their time speaking to me, I didn’t get a lot of substantial information. The promised me it was likely nothing, but it’s better to get things checked out to be sure. [In the end, I found out that my PCP was the one who called it a worrisome mass because I, the patient, was worried about it, but the ultrasound didn’t show anything abnormal, which is why I got the “good news” letter from the hospital. In a nutshell, the first nurse who called me didn’t exactly read the chart correctly.]
So, I continued to go through the motions of life, trying to enjoy time with the girls and savoring every second with them (even when they bickered and refused to sleep), meeting up with friends here in town, and teaching classes… and then crying pretty much every night. It was a hard couple of weeks. By the third week, I felt pretty numb to the whole thing, but there was an underlying cloud of worry in my day. I had just gotten used to it at this point.
I went in for my MRI appointment last week (which was just a bundle of fun), and got the results back yesterday. It looks like “excess glandular tissue,” so now I have to get a biopsy to make sure it’s benign. I’m pretty freaked out by the whole thing, but my doctor seems confident that it will be fine. He just wants everyone to have peace of mind and know for sure what it is, which I genuinely appreciate.
This is going to be hard for me to write about articulately because I still feel like I’m in a shaky blur, but this whole thing was kind of like a reality check I didn’t know I needed. I stopped, listened, watched, absorbed, and was more present. I usually wake up so thankful for every single day, but I found myself mentally making gratitude checks for everything, all day. It was only thing that kept me from turning into a crying mess. I was able to mom, chore, work, socialize, and do all the things I needed to do, even though on the inside I was paralyzed with fear. When I would start to worry, the girls would say or do something funny, or surprise me with a hug or reach up to hold my hand. Gratitude, and our sweet babies, kept me from falling apart.
At the end of each long day, I’d pour a mug of tea and call the Pilot, my mom, or Betsy, who were always there to talk me off the edge and help me maintain perspective. I’m still afraid and worried, but am trying to maintain a positive mindset over the next couple of weeks.
Please know I’m thankful for all of YOU. Thank you so much for reading and being here now, and also while I was wrangling the girls on my own + dealing with this craziness.
So, there ya go. I’m going to say here’s hoping the next few months are uneventful. <3
xo
Gina
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Oh my gosh. My husband was just gone for 2 weeks and it was the longest. I can’t imagine having to deal with something that huge while he was gone. I am so glad you are getting extra tests just to be sure but man that nurse needed a lesson in some sympathy!! I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. It’s sad sometimes how it takes something this huge to be a reality check. I’ve had a few of those in my life and it’s what I needed and when I needed it, but I wish I didn’t need it, if that makes sense.
i totally agree. while i appreciate the reality check, i wish it didn’t have to happen under these types of circumstances.
I rarely comment but I want to tell you from Quebec, Canada, that I am hoping everything will be fine with your health. I know how worried you must be, but I am sure in the end it will be a false alert. Sending lots of love,
Laurence
thank you so much, laurence <3 i really appreciate the kind words
Throwing HUGE well wishes towards you Gina! That is scary, and I’m sure you will be fine!! Keep on living life
thank you, friend <3
I rarely comment but just had to come on to say I hope it all turns out ok. I started crying reading this – with two littles myself just the thought is terrifying. Big hugs and prayers for reassuring news soon. 🙂
Every second counts when hubby is gone. I can’t believe you took the girls on trips by yourself, you must be super mom!
Thinking of you and your family and praying for peace and a quick, healthy resolution to all of this!!! So brave of you to share – wishing you and yours all the best!
Sending love and prayers your way! Just hang in there – I’m sure everything will be just fine and it will turn out to be nothing. Your doctor is following the protocol for situations like this but he seemed confident it’s nothing to worry about which is reassuring.
i hope that’s the case. he seems like a pretty no-nonsese guy, so he’s been really reassuring during this whole process. thank you for the love and prayers- i sincerely appreciate it
I’ve been reading your blog for years (I think it’s great!) but I think I’ve only commented once before. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you through all of this.
thank you so much, charlotte, and thank you for reading for so long!
Wow, what a scary thing to go through all by yourself without your support system nearby and while working and taking care of your family! Good for you for advocating for yourself and calling the doctors office to get your questions answered, and also taking the approach of being present and grateful for what you have in your life. Sending lots of love and prayers and good vibes to you that this truly is nothing to worry about! <3
thank you, caroline <3
Many women I know have had similar scares, including myself, and it is so nerve-wracking but the vast majority are benign-hoping for the same for you as well as peace and calm as hard as it is. I was having a little pity party and reading this made me stop and think about what is truly important. All the best.
thank you, JC <3
Thank for sharing. That sounds so scary to have to go through by yourself. I will pray it is nothing, which it does sound like anyway. Hang in there!
Praying for you, Gina!!!
<3 thank you
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. I just want you to know i’m sending love and prayers your way for you and your family.
thank you, wendy, and thank you for reading for so long
So sorry you had to go through that alone! I can only imagine going through that scenario myself one day and it terrifies me since I lost my mom to breast cancer and she was only 43. I’m so glad that everything is looking ok right now and I hope it all stays that way!
i’m so very sorry to hear about your mom. <3
thank you for the sweet wishes.
awww I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I had a scare a few years ago about skin cancer – had to go back in to have more removed and tests were ultimately inconclusive. It’s awful and so terrifying. If you haven’t yet, it can be really helpful to go see a psychologist or therapist – just to have someone to lay it all out to and not worry that you’re going to burden them too much.
that’s a really great idea. i don’t have a therapist here, but i’ve heard good things about online options. i’ll check into it for sure <3
It truly sounds like you made the best of the pilot being away, especially with all you had going on with the breast scare. I also has one last summer and it is a truly terrifying thing. I applaud you for sharing because I think that breast health is something that we should all take extremely seriously and be open in talking about it. Sending you all the prayers that everything comes back benign.
thank you, friend <3 i really appreciate it
I also think it is a brave and important thing you’re doing, by sharing your story with the world. I’m glad it looks like just excess tissue, and I’m sure the biopsy will be negative. Also, congrats on surviving with two kids for so long by yourself! I have a hard time when my husband is gone for the day, let alone weeks. You’re awesome!
thank you, lorna <3
WOW I think it’s hard when hubs is away for the weekend! Big positive hugs going your way 🙂
<3 thank you
Oh my gosh – I can’t believe you had to deal with something so scary while the Pilot was away! You’ve been so strong holding it together for your girls. I’m sure everything will turn out just fine, and I’m sending you lots of love and positive vibes in the meantime <3
yeah it was a rough few weeks. thank you for much for all of the positive vibes- i really appreciate it <3
Sending much love to you! That is terrifying, but I’m sure everything will be fine so hang in there! Know that you are receiving so much love and many good thoughts from your interweb friends. 🙂
thank you, erin <3
sending lots of prayers and thoughts your way. you’re a rockstar, and you will make it through this!
thank you, tanya <3
You are so strong!! I totally understand how isolating and scary it is to go through something like this by yourself, all while trying to be a caregiver to little ones. Thank goodness things are looking good for now. We’re all thinking of you! Hang in there and make sure to be extra kind to yourself during this time <3
thank you so much, liz. having to take care of the girls by myself was a bit harder because i felt down/distracted, but at the same time, it was such a blessing to have them here with me because there were so many times they made me feel better and not so alone. i really appreciate the sweet comment and thank you for thinking of me <3
You are so brave to share this health episode on the blog, and I’m sending you <3. It's always hard to go through scary health issues when you're away from your close family. I know exactly what you're saying about not wanting to call backup or tell your "local friends about it because it felt really personal." It's like you're surrounded by people, but feel all alone, and your thoughts spiral out of control. [been there, done that, will likely do it again] Just remember you have a great support system near and far. Again, sending <3 to you.
yes, that’s exactly it. i had people around me all the time, but felt really alone.
thank you for the sweet comment and for thinking of me
Sending you lots of well wishes and positive vibes for a benign mass! That stuff is so scary. What an amazing reminder about gratitude and staying present!
thank you, friend. i appreciate it so much <3
I had an irregular mammogram and biopsy a few months ago. In my situation I knew the odds that I had cancer were small but the mental part and the reality check are very real and it’s a heavy burden. The biopsy was easy physically – it didn’t hurt at all though I was really fatigued for the rest of the day and took a few days off workouts. Good luck and prayers for a negative result!
thank you for putting my mind at ease about the biopsy. i’ve been nervous about the pain and hurting afterwards.
<3
Oh my goodness, this brought me to tears. Praying for your health, and so inspired by your outlook and approach to this situation. Lots of love your way! <3
thank you, molly. i really appreciate it <3
Thank you for sharing. How terrifying. I loved what you said about it all being a reality check that you didn’t know that you needed. Praying for your health.
<3 thank you
I just want to say thanks to you for sharing that Gina………….wow….it’s so personal and real and scary:( We are all going through things at any moment that are tough and still we need to get through the day and night…………it’s not always easy to do it.
I can’t help but wonder if we are better after we get through the tough times?
Who knows……………..I had a very hard year and a half after I was laid off from a job. I had just gone on a vac. and leased a new car then found out I was unemployed. It was so hard and I had to take a few jobs I never thought I would ever do. It took a toll on my marriage and we didn’t have much to say to each other at times. Not the life I wanted at all.
Anyway—–I never gave up on trying to find a better job………..and it finally happened! I found a company and a position there that works so well for me. The benefits are amazing and my relationship with my husband is so much better……..even if it is hard to forgive+ forget sometimes. I just felt the need to share that……..
Your blog really does help, I hope you know this!
i keep trying to remind myself that we can’t have the peaks without the valleys.. so this is just a little valley before a peak.
i’m so happy to hear everything turned around for you <3
I am glad you are okay, but very sorry you had to go through that friend, how scary! Wishing you a fun, not at all scary upcoming summer.
thank you! i really appreciate it <3
Oh Gina! What an awful scare. I am sure everything will turn out ok and will pray it does! You were so good to stay busy and as positive as you could during the last 2 weeks. Keep up the positive thinking and try not to worry!
thank you! i’m definitely trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of it <3
Oh wow, life sure has incredible timing with things but it’s a good reminder of HOW STRONG you can be in those scary moments. Thinking of you! Try not to worry, it won’t help!
<3 thank you. i'm trying to stay chill.. as best as i can :)
Thinking of you. I am sure everything will be ok. Take it one appointment at a time.
thank you, friend <3
Oh Gina, sending hugs & prayers! Gosh I know that feeling all too well when my chiropractor sent me to have my thyroid scanned. I thought nothing of it and then received a call that I had a growth on my thyroid and needed further testing to test if it was benign or malignant. I hung up the phone and my world seemed to get eerily quiet as my 3 sons played & napped. I called my husband and mom as well while a million imaginations ran thru my mind. That was 5 years ago and it was benign but I do go yearly to monitor it. Thankfully the last scan the nurse says ” what did they send u for- I don’t see a growth anywhere”. Praise the Lord. The power of prayer! Believing all is well for you. Pursue Peace. Relax, you really will be okay strong lady.
oh my gosh, i’m so sorry to hear you went through all of that. i’m glad that it’s gotten smaller and disappeared. i’ll keep trying to relax even though i’m pretty freaked out. thank you for the sweet hugs and prayers; i really appreciate them 🙂
Thank you for sharing about your health scare, Gina – I’m sure that’s not easy to do, but I’m glad you were able to since I know a lot of people have to deal with things like this and other health scares. That is so much to deal with, especially while you were taking care of the girls on your own for so long. Sending you lots of good thoughts and positive vibes for the follow-up tests!! What a great outlook to have about practicing gratitude and enjoying life – that’s a great reminder for me, too. And I’m also super impressed that you took the girls on two trips by yourself – that’s so great and must have been a ton of fun for them (and you!)!
thank you so much for the positive vibes; i definitely need them 🙂
and yes, the trips were such a blast! <3
xoxo
I am sorry to hear that you had to go through that. I found a lump in my left breast in August 2004. I had a biopsy done on it – they took a needle and drained it – good times! THEN….Hurricane Ivan hit our island and my doctor took off for 3 months like a scared little b.tch! I was unable to get my test results until he came back. Luckily, I was fine but it made me think about the people who might have really needed that 3 months to get treatment or something started. It is sooooo important to live each day with gratitude and savor each day.
ommmgggg that is horrible! i can’t even imagine
I’m so sorry you went through such an ordeal! Something like that is tough, with or without loved ones physically by your side. Sending lots of love and hope it’s all nothing to worry about. Thanks for the reminder to be more present and thankful for everyone and everything we have in life:)
thank you, friend <3
Hi Gina – I’m a super long time reader and rare commenter but wanted to let you know I’ll be thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. I went through almost the same thing when I was six months postpartum with my second (felt a lump in the lower left armpit/breast area) and while everything turned out ok (I still worry though) it was awful. The fear and worry was something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I did the mammogram, ultrasound, punch needle biopsy (2x) and was ultimately told it wasn’t breast cancer but they could never definitively tell me what it was. The lump sort of disappeared after the second biopsy; though the surgeon told me I’d likely always feel something because of my build. Long story short – please feel free to email me if you have any questions. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
oh my gosh, i’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. the fear and anxiety has been so horrible. i might be taking you up on the email. so happy to hear that it was benign
thank you for the positive thoughts; i really appreciate it <3
So proud of how you handled all of this, and for having courage to share it with all of us. Thank you. Gratitude is such an amazing by-product when we are living in the moment and aware of all the blessings we receive each day. Sending you love and wrapping you in peace as you head in for your biopsy.
thank you, friend <3 i hope you know how much i appreciate it. thankful for you 🙂
Oh no! That sounds so scary 🙁 Crossing my fingers everything comes back normal for you! xo
That would be so tough going through, especially at a time where your main support system wasn’t home/is out of town.
thank you <3 also, thanks for distracting me from all of this with your amazing fit guide check-ins 🙂
xo
Xoxo Gina!
xoxo
Sending you SO many hugs and prayers!
thank you <3
Thinking of you & sending positive thoughts your way!
thank you, michelle!
Thinking of you & praying!! Try to stay positive. Hopefully this is just a little bump in the road and will pass right by. xoxo
thank you, sweet friend <3
Thinking of you, Gina! Thanks for sharing with us — I know that wasn’t easy, but we are here for you, too. <3
<3 thank you, tiffany
I teared up a little reading this because I related so much. Found a lump in my breast about a year ago and went into immediate panic mode because my mom had breast cancer. To make things worse, I was waiting on some health insurance paperwork to be approved, so I couldn’t go in to see a doctor for *weeks*… it was terrifying and I also felt so alone. I didn’t tell anyone because I simply didn’t want to talk about it.
Things turned out fine; my lump turned out to be a benign cyst. But nothing can ever undo the weeks of anxiety and tears. So, though I don’t know you beyond reading your blog, please know I am thinking of you and sending you so many well wishes, Gina.
oh my gosh, i’m so sorry you went through something similar. the anxiety and fear is horrible, and it breaks my heart to know that you had to experience that. i’m so happy to hear it was benign <3 thank you for the sweet wishes- i really appreciate it
Thank you for sharing real life here. I love how you keep things real and are willing to share the good and the not so good. I also love how you resorted to gratitude and how it held you together during such a difficult time. You are an inspiration and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
<3 thank you, valerie. all of these wonderful blog comments have lifted my spirits so much, and i'm really thankful to all of you
Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate story, I truly appreciate your candor. Thinking of you and your family and sending lots of positivity your way. I am sure it it is nothing, but an an anxious person myself I know the waiting for answers is a killer. It is great reminder to be present and live in the moment. Sending you lots of love!
yes, the waiting has been the worst part. i’m really ready for this to be over
thank you for the sweet wishes <3
Wishing you the best
<3 thank you
So sorry you had to deal with that! Its extra hard when your other half isn’t there in person. My had a scare like that and it turned out that the mammogram that showed the mass wasn’t hers 🙁 She was literally on the table about to get the biopsy when the doctor wanted to double check the mammogram. I hope it all turns out well. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
that is CRAZY. so glad he double-checked!
thank you for the virtual hug <3 <3
I kind of feel like maybe I needed to see this now too! Lately I feel like I’ve been taking my health for granted. I turned 40 earlier this year. While I work out on a regular basis, I eat a pretty half-ass diet and am overweight. For several years now, I’ve been saying “tomorrow” or “next Monday” or whatever about starting to take better care of myself by eating better. I need to stop putting that off! I need to start now! I want to live a long, good life. I know you will, Gina. <3
thank you so much, friend <3