Things I Didn’t Know About Marriage
Since we’re heading into wedding season, I thought it would be fun to talk about marriage since I know some of you have nuptials on the horizon. Such an exciting time. <3
I’ve had a few requests for posts on this subject, and it’s one of those subjects which I’m not at all qualified to write about. It’s like when I would get requests to blog about parenting while P was screaming and spitting up all over me, and Liv was simultaneously having a melt-down. (Thankfully, both the aforementioned events have tapered off lately.) With parenting, we’re all in unique situations and circumstances, but still have a lot in common: we’re flying by the seat of our pants, educating ourselves, and doing the best we can with what we have. You lead with love and learn along the way.
The same goes for marriage.
Tom and I got married at a younger age. I met him while I was still in college and spent my senior year engaged to him while he was overseas. I still love our love story, and after all of the years that we’ve been together, thinking about the night we met at Starbucks still gives me goosebumps. We’ve been though a lot together: time apart, moves across the country (a few of times!), adventures, grieving, happiness, puppies, and babies.
While we’ve had an amazing love, it certainly hasn’t been perfect. I have a classic Latina temper (which has mellowed out a lot over the years), and he is methodical and wants to fix everything. This is amazing, because he genuinely wants to help everyone and everything, but is sometimes missing the emotional component of an event in the determination to solve it.
Some Things I’ve Learned About Marriage
-It’s not always 50-50. This is something I learned from my great aunt and uncle, and it’s so true. Marriage isn’t always 50-50. Sometimes it’s 40-60, 30-70, 80-20… There are some times when one partner has to give more to help the other. Right now, Tom has certainly been giving more in our relationship to help me recover, and pick up extra parenting duties as I’ve been healing from the surgery. When he’s out of town for work, I’m the one who picks up the extra tasks. It all balances out, and even if it doesn’t, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not a balancing act, and it’s not about being “even” all the time. More importantly, this applies to the intangibles. There are times when one partner finds themselves a little out of it, and sometimes that phase lasts for a while. That can affect several aspects of the relationship, but with patience, understanding, and determination from both people, it too will pass.
-Where does it rank on the stress meter? I used to get stressed out about the smallest things. It’s part of my Type A personality, and little bumps along any of my plans would drive me absolutely bonkers. The Pilot has experienced a different kind of stress in his life. You know, like the life-threatening kind. That’s given him a bit of a unique perspective on what really matters. He always used to tell me that if it’s not a 7 out of 10 on the stress scale, it’s not worth freaking out about. This has helped me a lot in our relationship, and a lot with life in general. I’ve been able to really dial down my stress and how I allow external factors to affect me. As my therapist says, “If you react to everything, you’ll drive yourself crazy.”
Things I Already Knew About Marriage
-You work as a team. We’ve known each other for so long that this has become second nature. We swoop in and help each other out where we need it. We’re usually on man defense at our house: one person is giving P a bath while the other is in bed with Liv, reading stories. If one of us needs to do something (or even just needs a break to go work out or do something alone for a while), the other person swoops in and takes over. It’s funny because we rarely have to ask each other; I think we’re pretty good at seeing what needs to be done to help out and stepping in.
-Don’t be an a**. This is just good advice for life in general. It can be difficult to show kindness and love, all the time, especially when someone else is being a grouch. We feed off each other’s energy, so if one of us is feeling *off* or grouchy that day, we each try really hard to show love and not let it affect us. This can be challenging (especially if he’s feeling stress from work, or if I’m burned out from all of the plates I try to juggle), but it’s worth it.
-If you love someone, you make it work. Sometimes marriage is easy, while other times it can be really, really hard. One of the most challenging times we experienced was in the first year after Liv was born. We were both mentally and physically exhausted, I was suffering from anxiety and what was later assessed as undiagnosed PPD, and we found ourselves in roommate mode. Even though we felt like partners sometimes instead of husband/wife, we pushed through this challenging time and made it work because we wanted to. At the end of the day, that’s really it. You both just have to want to make it work. You have faith that the love you share will is worth the work. So, we planned dates and quality time with each other, and we learned how to still show each other love while taking care of our house and family.
This is something I’ll be continuing to learn about, especially as our kiddos grow, we have new experiences as a couple and family, and how our jobs and dynamics will shift over time. I’m just happy and lucky to have this guy by my side. <3
I’d love to hear your best marriage/life/partnership tip in the comments, if you’d like to share, especially we’re heading into wedding season! Or maybe it’s something you saw your mom and dad or grandparents do or did that you’d like to replicate?
Have a wonderful day and I’ll see ya soon with a new musical strength workout!
xoxo
Gina
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I am not married but always appreciate good advice. Thank you for sharing. xo Lauren
One thing my husband has taught me is that marriage is not 50-50. It’s 100-100. If each party strives to give their all, things have a better chance of working out. Start out each day asking yourself what you can do that day to make your spouse’s day easier or better. When considering doing something, ask yourself how you’d feel if your spouse was doing it. (Like going to a certain party or venue, etc). We celebrated our 40th anniversary a couple of days ago, so these ideas have worked for us–so far, anyway! 😉
this is GREAT advice!! thanks so, so much for sharing!! Really love the 7/10 stress tip. definitely need to keep that one in mind 🙂
Great advice!! I always love reading about your marriage, it seems like you have a really strong relationship.
I’m a military wife as well. We’re going through another period of long distance right now and it’s not easy. I think I always somehow get to a point in marriage of complacency and “we got this” – then something changes and it’s figuring each other out all over again. The beauty of it is, through all the crazy stuff in life, we keep coming back to our awesome partnership. He’s truly my best friend.
Great advice! My favorite is “it’s not you vs him but us vs the problem”. This helps me chill out and check in with myself during an argument to see if I’m actually trying to work toward a solution or if I’m just trying to be “right”.
Such a great post! My hubby and I have been together 7 years and married 2, sometimes I feel like we had to grow up together which can be hard as we both find our place adulting!
The 50-50 thing really hits home with me. My husband is in grad school and sometimes it feels 80-20 on my part and it’s hard not to feel resentful. I’ll have to remember to tell myself that one day the tides will turn and it’ll be more “even” but for now I shouldn’t dwell on it. Thank you!
As the one who is in graduate school (med school) in the relationship, I can assure you that your extra effort doesn’t go unnoticed! I’m not married but I’ve lived with my boyfriend for two years so we are on a similar level. I’m constantly studying while he cooks and cleans up and vacuums and I had a complex about it for so long. But he gets it, and he gets that in a few years things will equilibrate again. Even if he doesn’t say it, I’m sure your husband is SO thankful for your help! <3
I am the partner to a grad student and it has been tough (we also decided to start living together at the start of grad school). I was a bit resentful during the first round of finals, but then I realized it’s not give and take on a daily basis but an overall basis. I do. Lot when he is very busy, and then when life calms down he is there to do his part. It also helps to know other partners who are going through the same thing.
Right after we got my married my husband started grad school and I worked to support us and made sure he didn’t eat pizza for dinner every night. When he graduated and went to work, I started graduate school and he supported me! It was not a planned thing either- it just worked out that way. We both have very busy jobs now and try to do as much as we can, but it is hard sometimes.
Lindsay, my husband graduated from grad school in 2014. It was trying and I had our third baby in the midst of that. We never even saw each other between his work and school. We made it through, and it’s much more even now. Hang in there!
Great post! I just think communication is so important, really putting everything out there, no secrets, no bottled up feelings!
The best advise I ever got was from my Grandma. No one is perfect but Don’t spend your life trying to change someone or with someone who wants to change you. Figure out before you are married if you can deal with the things you think are not ideal. So far that advise has helped me through the last 19 years and sometimes I have to remind myself more often than other days! marriage is an adventure but so fun with the right person.
Thank you for this post! I am a new mother and a newlywed and I have recently been feeling like my husband and I are in “roommate mode,” which is sad and frustrating for both of us. Your advice is much appreciated. It is so hard to show love all the time while being stressed and exhausted. I remember hearing once- “forget about ‘dont go to bed angry’, sometimes you just need to go to bed.” This is so true for my husband and I- we are always in a better mood and can see the situation more clearly when we wake up in the morning.
New mom here too … can totally second the “roommate mode” thing! I think we will find our new normal in time. And I’ve figured out over the years that going to bed angry actually works really well for us as a couple … when we “shelve” the argument, go to bed, and wake up refreshed; we can then speak about whatever problem we had with much more clarity and calmness than we could have when we were both exhausted.
It’s sometimes hard for me to do, but I think it’s important to carve out little family time. It disappoints grandparents which is hard. Me and hubs will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this year but just had our first baby. This year has been so hard… I quit my job, he found a job but we decided to move just a hair away from my parents, all with a little one. I’m learning to live in the moment because life is all over the place right now!
As usual – beautifully written!!! OX Gina (from Mass)
Aww I love this post 🙂 Hopefully I’ll be getting married soon, and I’m definitely going to reread this list as the big day approaches (and probably several times after that lol)!
I love this! I’m not married and I don’t have kids but my boyfriend of 4 years and I have been living together for about 9ish months. I used to be (and still sometimes am) guilty of having everything 50/50. I think growing up my mom made sure everything was 100% equal between my sister and I and we were so used to everything be “fair.” I think that’s why my mentality towards my relationship is like this.. but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be. Like you said, one person pick up more tasks while the other person needs it. Thanks for sharing this!
I’m a nurse and not married- but engaged. My favorite thing to ask my older patients, especially when their spouse is in the room, “what’s the secret to a happy marriage?” While the answers typically vary a ton, most of the time they usually amount to- it’s not always peaches and cream. It’s takes true dedication to work through the bad parts and stay married. It’s truly hard work. I love asking the question because hopefully I can remember it as my future Hubby and I work through the tough stuff.
My mom and I tend to have a rocky relationship, for various reasons. My dad and I get along better and unfortunately, he sometimes finds himself in the middle of my mom and I. He always tells me that mom came first. He’s on her side, no matter what. He loves me, he may agree with me–but she wins…she always wins because their love was here first. I can’t get mad at my dad for this—I can only hope to have a love like this someday. I think that’s such a great message. Children can cause a lot of stress in a relationship, no matter their age! As long as the parents are partners in life, in parenting, in everything…they’ll make it work. My parents will be married for 38 years this August…together over 40 years. 🙂
My boyfriend always tells me to “prioritize my worrying” instead of worrying about everything all at once. So helpful. Currently we are navigating the situation of having the hard conversations. It’s surprisingly going well.
The best advice my mother gave me was to pick your battles…it’s not worth fighting over how the laundry is folded. Fight when you need to fight, not just because you can.
Lovely post. I agree with it all, especially the don’t be an a** part lol.
My favorite piece of marriage advice came from my mother-in-law who said, “If you can talk about everything, you can work your way through anything.” Ryan has always very strongly emphasized communication which, as someone who tends to avoid confrontation was really challenging for me in the beginning of our relationship, but after seeing how beneficial discussing everything – especially the tough stuff – can be, I am all about talkin’ everything out!
I hate confrontation as well! I have been able to be more open with my husband, but really struggle in other areas of my life. I keep telling myself the first step is knowing how passive I am, next step is learning how to speak up for myself. Or something like that?
Thank you for writing this! Your relationship is really inspiring to me. I got married at the same age you did and have been married for almost 3 years, and I find that everyone seems to have such negative opinions about young marriage and is convinced that those marriages never work out (which they never hesitate to share with me…even though it always strikes me as very rude when a stranger comments on my marriage..). The fact that you two got married young and have made it work so well is wonderful to see. Did you experience any negativity like that when you first got married?
i didn’t experience any family negativity about it, which is because (i jokingly) say my family likes tom more than me. i did have a lot of friends who were also in college, and while they supported me, it was hard for them to understand that i was going straight from graduation to marriage and moving across the country while they were still partying and enjoying the college life. i really believe that when you know, you know. age doesn’t matter. plus, it’s fun to prove naysayers wrong sometimes 😉
“You both just have to want to make it work” I think that is really the key to it all. If you really want it, it will help you get through the tough times and there will be tough times, especially if you have little kids. My husband and I have been married for 19 years and the easy times are wonderful and the tough times are ok because we are sure that we love each other and we’ll get through whatever if we just work at it.
I love this post! It’s always interesting to hear some of the things that happy couples have learned along the way. I’ve been with my husband almost a decade and we have 3 kids. Life can be crazy and hard and stressful and still be really wonderful!
My best words of wisdom… 1.) Be kind and appreciative. You’ve never been together too long to say “Thank you for a great meal” or “You work so hard for our family.” 2.) Err on the side of forgiveness. Life is too short to be angry about everything. 3.) If you’re going to fight, then attack the issue, not each other. 4.) Go to bed at the same time. An oldie but a goodie 🙂
Any tips for getting out there and meeting quality guys? I was in a long term (5 year relationship) relationship about a year and a half ago with the guy I thought I was going to marry when things abruptly ended. Now at 26, I live and work in a college town in California and I’m having a hard time meeting guys who are open to something becoming serious.
My grandparents were married for over 60 years. My grandmothers advice was, when you’re mad at each other, have dinner together. She said you’ll have to ask each other to pass the salt, etc., which opens the door for a conversation and hopefully ends the silent treatment game. At the time I thought it was funny, but it’s worked more than once!
Love this! I’m not married, but I think there’s so much to learn here even for singletons looking for the right man. I think sometimes I’m expect everything to be perfect and right before I can allow someone in my life. One of my friends pointed this out to me recently and it made a huge impact on my perspective on relationships. Not everything in life is perfect.
I love reading this…….and it is good advise and observation Gina:) I’ve been married only for 10 mths now and I’m 48 yrs old. I really liked my single life even though I wanted to meet a great guy earlier in life. One thing I didn’t really realize is that being on my own and making all of the decisions that affect my life was good! I am learning to compromise, think of someone else and sometimes learning to get through some tough times. The flip side is that I have a partner I can rely on, laugh and love with unconditionally and it’s making me a better person–at least that’s what I believe:)
Ah, I love this post, and it is fitting since I am fairly recently engaged! I think my best advice is to assume positive intent. It is easy to get caught up in what you think the person is saying instead of what they’re actually trying to say, especially as you learn each other’s communication style.
I was just talking to a friend last week about how hard marriage and “adulting” in general can be. The most important thing I’ve discovered is finding the right way to fight. It really depends on each person’s communication style. My husband and I give each other space when we’re super angry. I need time to think it through and he needs to walk away to avoid blowing up. Going to bed angry is usually the best thing for us because we come back together the next day and talk it through calmly.
Today is actually my anniversary so it’s a great time for me to hear some advice and reflect on my marriage- I’m definitely guilty of getting overly stressed about things that don’t matter so I really love your stress scale tip!
hope you had a very happy anniversary <3
I love this so much. I especially love the emphasis everyone has on the hard times- sometimes it seems like everyone projects the good stuff only, and then I start to get a complex that my boyfriend and I aren’t perfect.
My two favourite pieces of advice are:
1) From my mom- always remember that your relationship is special, and treat it that way. I try to remember this when I start to just want to watch Netflix and order take-away all the time 😛
2) From my friend- she commented once that when she’s really frustrated with her husband, she reminds herself that everyone has problems. I used to have a fight with my partner and think “Well clearly this isn’t going to work- I’m going to find someone who understands me all the time!”. But now I think of that, and it reminds me that it’s ok to fight/struggle sometimes, as long as we come together in the end.
I really love this post, Gina! <3 Thank you for sharing!
Great advice!! I totally agree with you that “if you love someone, you make it work.” My husband and I have been through a lot in our years together, but our relationship has always been the constant thing, which is so nice. We all go through our hard times, but marriage is so precious and special. I have become a lot more laid back in the last few years, which has had a significant positive impact on my relationship.
I really enjoyed this post! In a time where everyone can make their lives look picture perfect its important not to get in comparison rut, imo. Everyone has days thats are a bit harder than others and like you said if the love is there you make it work.
Hi Gina! Your post couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary! 🙂 Thanks for sharing what you’ve learned. I definitely share your views that marriage isn’t always 50-50, and that’s okay.
Thank you for this post! My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and together for 10. One thing that has been really helpful in our relationship is agreeing not to tell the other person how to do a chore, and not complaining about how they do the chore. For example, my husband does not fold the laundry the same way I do or the way I would prefer, but I don’t b*tch at him because he’s the one doing it. It saves a lot of nagging and I think makes us focus more on being appreciative of how we are both contributing to household responsibilities.
The first year of marriage for me was really, really hard! So many adjustments. The following 4 years have been awesome. We’ve been through hard things together (building our own house), but we’ve attacked things as a team. I’m currently pregnant with our first child and I thought it was so interesting that you said that the first year after Liv was born was hard. I hadn’t even thought about that! I guess that’s coming up for us, but I feel lucky to be able to expect it to be hard and to try to be proactive about it rather than let it totally catch me off guard like that first year of marriage. Thanks!
I love this post! We have been married for 5 years and together for an additional 5. Some great marriage advice I have received:
1) Love is more than a feeling, it’s a choice. You have to make the choice everyday to get up and show love to that person.
2) Communication is key.
3) You can’t change someone.
This is a great post! I’m actually getting married in less than 2 months and have been talking to people about how it will change our relationship and what proactive steps we should take in order to preserve the love we have for one another. I was surprised to hear how important taking the time to go on a date once a month (just the two of you) really helps you stay connected with the person. It seems like such a small thing, but I’ve been told it really makes a difference. It’s also great to hear that while marriage will never be perfect, but if you both are willing to make it work then you will find a way through the tough times. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing Gina! Last summer was a really tough one in our marriage and we almost separated. It took a LOT of work and determination to not run when the going gets hard. Thankfully we made it through and things are going much better in 2016!
This is SO beautiful and real G. Thank you for sharing all of this. I could not agree with you more. Especially on the point of just ‘deciding’ to make it work. I think that is HUGE. So many people just give up when things get tough, and I know that there are certainly some situations where giving up is the most legitimate course of action. But I think there is something major to be said for pushing through when things are rough. You learn so much about yourself and the other person through those times, and I think those are the times that really *make* a relationship deep, nuanced and seasoned. It is through those times that your relationship becomes something untouchable in the realm of relationships. Love love love to you and The Pilot 😉
This is a great post! It sounds silly, but I’ve found the majority of our married “fights” occur when someone is hungry. Having snacks on hand is quite literally a must have in our house 😉
Even though I knew my husband for 10 years before we got married, I will say combining finances was also trickier than I expected because we spend money in such different ways. What’s worked really well for us is spending our money according to our shared values (high quality food, experiences, our dog) vs. things.
As someone who is getting married this summer, I soaked up every word of your post and every comment!
In addition to all the tips that was shared, I would have to add that I need to work on not holding grudges. My fiancé never brings up anything from the past, and I am working really hard on doing the same, which isn’t easy since I tend to bottle up emotions. Thanks so much for sharing a topic so close to home. 🙂
I love this post! Some of the best posts are the ones you are least qualified to write because you are just being real and honest!
Ooh, I liked this post. Since I’m new to this military life (my long-time BF has been in since last November), what’s it like to be engaged when your significant other is not around?
How long were you engaged for? The thought of being engaged and separated doesn’t necessarily appeal to me, so I’m wondering how you coped with it.
Thanks for sharing your advice. I enjoyed it, and am not even married 😉
I’m getting married at the end of the month and this really hits home! We have been dealing with a lot of time apart (he travels for work) and I’ve been trying to not take our premarital time for granted. All the advice here is so good! thanks for sharing Gina!
It’s so important to realize that we all go through phases. Getting through deployment and the fact that we spend so much time apart because of BOTH of our jobs has us being so many different people. When he is gone I am in another state working and am in an independence get s*it done and be successful mode. When I am working from home I feel like “just” a housewife. He goes through phases too and when we meet up again there are a lot of times where we are in glorified roommate modes. When this happened in the past, I felt so scared that it was over because that is not how marriage is SUPPOSED to be. But now, we understand we are adjusting and support each other and take steps to change those things. It’s important to know because we are ever-evolving and ever changing!
PS I absolutely agree with the percentages. it’s rarely equal and it shouldn’t always be. the point is to balance each teammate out so that you both bring out the best in each other <3
This was a beautiful post. I have no tips because I’m still trying to find someone to be my partner in life. Hoping for that magical Starbucks story 😉
My MIL gave me and my husband a card on our wedding day that simply read: When things get tough, remember how you felt on this day.
I think back to that a lot when we’re going through a rough patch. It’s a great reminder and it helps us put things back into perspective.
Anther thing we do is every year around our anniversary, we have a “let it all out” conversation (in a good way, no pointing fingers or anything like that). We tell each other things that we feel have been good in our relationship the past year and things we feel we could each work on. It’s nice to reflect a little bit and set small goals for ourselves.
Oh my gosh I’ve never been able to articulate so perfectly what you said about your hubby.. “This is amazing, because he genuinely wants to help everyone and everything, but is sometimes missing the emotional component of an event in the determination to solve it.” My boyfriend is in the military too and this EXACTLY sums him up!
Love is always stronger and the highs even sweeter because of the lows!
God bless xo